TontoandFriends.com

by Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com

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Tattoos in boxing are about as common as blind judges (the one who must've had something in his eye for rounds 2-10) and low blows.

Typically, boxers have a highly particular set of tattoos to choose from. On a walk through any boxing gym you'll normally see the following tattoos: a few crosses, some boxing gloves, plenty of female names/regrets, and portraits of family members (which make excellent targets, by the way).

As my blossoming MMA writing career is taking off, I've noticed that tattoos are a prominent aspect of MMA culture as well - barbed wire, skulls, and intimidating words are common MMA tattoos. However, I've discovered one image that seems to be unique to MMA'ers: the penis tattoo! As such, here's a compilation of the top 10 penis tattoos in MMA:  

1. Katusushimi Kagnurasuki - A regular in the RINGS promotions, Kagnurasuki made the unfortunate error of drunkenly sleeping with the wife of a Yakuza member. The payback was simple, lose it or get it tattooed on you face. Kagnurasuki chose the latter.  

2. Jack Partridge - A longtime veteran of the "Midwest Beat 'Um Till They're Comatose Hardcore Cage Fighting Championships!", intimidation was the name of Partridge's game. Whereas many tough guys will tattoo words on their knuckles like, "born evil," "thug life," "love pain," and so on, Partridge took this to the extreme by getting "cock" and "dong" on his right and left hand knuckles respectively. He was fond of saying in pre-fight interviews, "Man, tonight, I'm 'onna slang my cock and dong upside my opponent's face. All it takes is one shot from my [looks down at hand] left dong, and it's nighty-night, sugar lips!" Unfortunately, Partridge's opponents got very good at dodging his strikes.
 
3. Ricky "Fair Call" Vasquez - A once up-and-coming referee making his name across the European MMA scene, Vasquez was known for calling fights right down the middle. One night in October 1998, while in an Irish pub, he boasted, "If I blow a call, I'll let any motherf***er in here do whatever they want to me!" Later that night, he missed a groin shot in a prelim fight at "O'Mickey's Brawl in The Town Square XV." The boys from the pub decided it would be best to tattoo a groin shot of their own on his palm. He never missed another shot, nor reffed ever again.
 
4. Brock Lesnar - Unfortunately, this is the only entry where photographic evidence exists. Take a look as Lesnar brilliantly combines erotic and violent imagery in a haunting, threatening, yet strangely comforting work of art. A stunning piece of modern art that is at one moment a social, post-feminist commentary on the flesh-plunger as a weapon, and the other moment, a sterling threat to unsuspecting opponents as to the world of hurt they've entered into.

 
5. Gabe Silva - In Brazil, manhood and religion is everything, and "Lutre Gusto Vale Tudo Grande Fighting Championships" lightweight Gabe Silva took that charge to the extreme. Many fighters acknowledge that much of their internal as well as external strength comes from the Lord, but Silva made sure everyone know just how serious he was by mixing religious iconography and some phat genetalia. I'd describe it, but you're better off using your sick imagination. Let's just say that, if Silva's art is to be taken at face value, it must've been difficult to keep the King of Kings on the cross with those bowling balls weighing him down.  

6. Marcus Dreanster - Oh, the teasing Dreanster must've endured as a youth. He was born with a birth mark on his throat that looked liked a "seven-inch thrilla." To compensate for his birth mark, he got the lettering (in very cool Olde English), "No! It's Not a Penis on My Throat! It's no wonder that having such a birth mark would push someone towards fighting as a pro. After starting his career off with a 3-11 record, Dreanster called it career.  

7. Darryl Jameson - Not a fighter per se, but an early manager based out of southern California who briefly operated an agency. As a promotional tool, Jameson got a "big black negotiator" inked on his foot so that he could "kick these promoters in the ass and make sure they feel it but good!" He was out of business in six months, but the legacy remains.

8. Billy Schmidts - A local fighter based in the north-west, Schmidts served time in federal prison for an undocumented assortment of crimes. Upon parole, people commented on what looked like a rare form of ringworm on his arm. Despite several appeals, Schmidts had a hard time being sanctioned by several state athletic commissions, and as a result, now fights under an assumed name in amatuer fights in Texas. Turns out, he was simply branded with a schlong-a-dingy by a prison gang.

9. Erica Sanderson - Another fighter from "back in the day," Erica fought on a few late 90s in the "Punch, Kick, Bleed, Die" shows on a California Indian reservation. Sanderson sported a throbbing wang on her lower back with the caption, "If this intimidates you... you don't want to know what else I've toyed with down their!" Yes, that typo is how it's inked.  

10. Rick Jodoin - Best know for his brawl with "hula" stylist Maloiki Tam on the undercard of UFC 2, Rick boasts a shriveled dinky on his shoulder disguised in some barbed wire. Footage of this fight doesn't exist, so stop looking... perv.  

- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.

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