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Ahoy there, mateys!
It’s been a rough and solemn lot for yours truly. Most of ye have already heard the news of it all, but allow me to fill ye in the honest details.
I had been on holiday with me partner in Somalia, when a group of ragged men approached the two of us in a dark alley, and threatened our very lives.
While suffering death unto the wicked is not me shining purpose in me retired years, I still carry a blade, and I still keep her sharp and true.
Five men died that night. As I held the sixth man to me chest, cutlass poised and ready to damn him into everlasting sorrow, he cried out me name. Said he was a sorry and useless pirate and had been looking high and low for me guidance. His dark eyes grew wet and heavy with tears.
So, me partner and I bought the fellow a meal, and I spent the evening counseling this damaged child. Told him that he deserved a better life than to rob tourists just to live day-to-day. I urged him to set his sights higher, to make something more important of the remaining days his heart contained.
And now, he and some other pirates have taken over a Ukraine vessel, armed to the teeth with tanks and weapons. I pleaded to the authorities to allow me a chance to use me gifts to negotiate with the pirates, but the words fell on deaf ears.
Does this pirate feel shame, guilt? Certainly. Also, a nice amount of pride, too. Couldn’t have been easy to commandeer such a large vessel, and so ignorant to think he’d be able to sneak away with her, out of sight and harm.
But, enough of the ramblings of an older man! The mailbag awaits…
Dear Melvin,
I think people who believe in ghosts are fat and stupid. Do you believe in them?
Timothy from San Diego, CA.
Little Tim, read me well, and read me carefully: there are forces of darkness yer eyes cannot discern.
Are there comical apparitions who play and tease the living? Methinks not.
Are there ineffable beings who wait in shadow, awakened from the hatred and evil human creatures make? I have seen them, young reader, and I hope ye live yer life in quiet comfort, never to hear the sound of a comrade’s skin torn ragged off his living bones while he screams for quick and merciful death.
Dear Pirate Therapist,
Me crew loves to drink and carouse. As their captain, they always call on me to make the first toast o’ the evening. Problem is, the saints above have never granted me with the wits to make a proper drink toast. How can I regain me crew’s respect?
Captain Robert Bane, on the pirate ship Vengeance
Captain Bane, when knowledge fails a pirate, pure bluster will suffice.
When it comes to toasts, they can either be rife with humor, intellectual prowess, or simple solemnity.
Let’s tackle the humor drinking toasts first.
To make one of those, ye need to memorize some of the classics, like “Here’s the first woman I ever held in me arms – me mother.”
If book learning don’t come easy for ye, make yer toast full of intellectual prowess. Toasts in foreign languages look classy, and yer crew will find ye mysterious and wise.
The trick is to sound like yer speaking actual foreign words, such as Latin, when really, yer making it all up on the spot.
Example: Rivive vida manto adsulare.
See, that means nothing, but it sounds quite impressive.
The last type of toast, a solemn toast, can be made by saying one word three times or by naming the first three things ye see:
Examples: “Love, love, love;” “Blood, blood, blood;” “Gold, gold, gold”
Or “The wind, the crows, the sunset;” “The sword, the fallen pirates, the rain.”
Dear Melvin,
My husband won’t stop bragging about how better of a bowler he is than me. How can I make him shut up?
Matilda from Sarasota, FL.
Sit yer man down, and gently let him know that his boasting isn’t healthy for yer relationship, and that ye should be able to bowl with him and simply enjoy the sport together.
Or, failing that, drop his bowling ball on his bowling hand while he sleeps.
Any questions, land-lovers? Send me a comment!
- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.
NOTE: Looking for pearls of wisdom from Mr. Melvin? Yer burried treasure awaits ye in our Ask a Pirate Archives. Crime more to your liking? Yer stolen goods are hidden away in our Crime Article Archive. So ye fancy yerself and artist, do ya? Well then, scoot yer intellectual behinds over yonder in our Film Review Archive!!!
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