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Ahoy there, mateys!
Belvedere, me beloved mastiff, had had a case of the canine croup this past week. I’ve been sitting up at nights with the beast, singing him quaint and rousing lullabies to sooth him into a deep sleep.
Needless to say, me readers, I’m a wee bit exhausted, so forgive yours truly if me temper be harsh and me patience thin as April ice. Let’s peer into the mail bag, and speak the dangerous truth!
Dear Melvin,
I like to punish me crew for misconduct by covering their naked bodies with leeches and listening to them scream for about an hour. Some of them think the practice be a bit harsh and unethical – what say ye?
Solomon Grundy, Captain of the good ship Infernos
Captain Grundy, it’s a dangerous decision to choose leeches as behavior modification. Ye don’t know which of ye crew could be allergic to the slippery suckers. Having the leeches suck out blood is a strange and unwelcome sensation – that be true, but the worse part is when ye try to force them off too abruptly or reuse leeches on other victims.
Forcing off leeches in any other fashion other than the fingernail method will cause them to vomit their fill right back into ye flesh, which is a sure way to bring infection into ye body. Reusing leeches will do the same.
When in doubt, a psychological punishment is always better than a physical one, and has less health effects. Try making yer ne’er-do-wells strip naked and perform their duties like normal for a day.
Dear Pirate Therapist,
I find myself unable to make the decision to eat a peach. They seem so ripe and sensual, but I’m afraid to spoil their beauty just to satisfy my curiosity. Whatever shall I do?
J. Alfred Prufrock
Think of it this way, Alfred: beauty that is not savored is never truly understood. Otherwise, it be nothing more than an idealized beauty.
Reminds me of the time I first met me love, Hiram. I was in between voyages, and relaxing in Barbados, when I spy this young, gallant chef cooking plantains out in the open air. His red mane was covered with smoke.
Sure, I could have kept his visage in me mind, Alfred, and never spoken to him, choosing instead not to muddy me perception of a perfect and unsullied beauty. But one doesn’t grow and celebrate beauty until they get their hands dirty, and look beyond the surface to discover the multitude of characteristics that make peaches and people so beautiful.
Dear Jungian Pirate Therapist,
Carl Jung can suck it, for all I care. Why don’t you practice the tenets of a real philosopher like Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche?
Zarathrustra
Well, ye misguided jackanape, only adolescent children take Nietzsche to heart. If I’d only had the ability to counsel him, I’d have warned him not to have sex parties with Wagner and especially not to douse his rod into the pleasant gasp of love without wrapping it tighter than a noose in sheepskin.
Wouldn’t have died of syphilis then, and wouldn’t have earned such a horrid reputation when his Nazi-loving sister rewrote his words to strengthen her side. Any other questions?
Send me a comment!
- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.
NOTE: If Melvin gives just the right advice ye be looking for... you'd be best wise to read more of him in our Ask a Pirate Archives. Got questions on funny ways to commit funny crimes? Check out our (for entertainment purposes only!) Crime Article Archives. Want to enjoy a flick with yer first mate or a classy lass? Learn all about the finer points of the cinema with our Film Article Archives!!!
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