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[EDITOR'S NOTE: Once again, Linus is a psychopath. If you follow his advice, you deserve the decades in jail that you will earn for yourself. - Tonto]

By Linus The Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com
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Hey.

So, Halloween’s here.

Little boys and girls are roaming the neighborhoods to loot and plunder whatever they can carry. Teenagers are destroying mailboxes, throwing eggs and toilet paper, and lighting bags of crap on fire. Grown-ups are getting drunk and trying to impress each other to see who looks more ridiculous in a cheap costume.

It’s a great holiday for anarchy.

But why stop there? These acts of malfeasance are nothing compared to the grand levels of mischief and disorder you can cause this Halloween.

Take it from me; I’ve been working at destroying society for decades. I consider it one extended performance project. Conceptual theatre, if you will.

Follow these tips below to get the most out of your Halloween season. And, if for some reason, you’re too stupid to cover your tracks or wipe off your fingerprints, and you get arrested, I’m not responsible. Okay? Okay.

1) Population Explosion - I’m already assuming you know how to break into apartments or houses. If you don’t, go play Candy Land with the other babies. For the rest of you, you’ll need your standard lock picking tools, lots and lots of thin blue mints, and a few safety pins.

Once you break into a house, find where the birth control is located. It’s either in the medicine cabinet or nearby the bed.

Then, proceed as follows: swap the birth control pills with the thin blue mints, and poke very small holes in the condoms with the safety pins. Do it carefully; you don’t want the condoms to look altered in any way.

I’ve been doing this prank for years now, and the birth rate in my town’s gone up twenty-five percent. More babies means more poor people. More poor people means more anger. More anger means more violence. More violence means the sweet explosion of rage.

2) Weeding out the weak - Read your local newspaper thoroughly. When you see a graveside service posted, get to the cemetery in the middle of the night, once they’ve dug the plot. Bring a step stool.

Then, lay down in the plot, and camp out there overnight. Set your watch an hour before the service. When you hear people coming towards you, whip out the step stool, and stand up quickly. Then, run like hell!

3) Baby Swap - Order a preserved pig from an online medical store. When it arrives, dress it up in baby clothes and go for a walk. When you see a parent with a stroller, make the switch.

Do it quickly - the parental bond is strong, and you really can’t chloroform babies without killing them ( don’t ask!) And, once you’ve pulled this off, you can find other uses for your prize.

4) Harvesting - Chloroform an adult. Once unconscious, strip them naked, and move them to a tub filled with ice. Color the ice with food coloring so that it looks bloody.

Then, leave a kidney (again, you can buy it at a online medical store, if you’re a wimp!) on the floor next to the tub.

Be sure it looks bloody as well. Leave a note on the person’s stomach (something like “You have thirty minutes to make it to a hospital") and when they wake up, wait for them to scream. Once they do so, send a hungry dog into the tub. The sight of them chasing after a dog with a kidney in its mouth will fill you with joy for years to come!

Got any other good Halloween pranks! Email me.

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

NOTE: If you liked this article, there's plenty more sage wisdom in our Ask a Pirate Archives. Perhaps not wisest advice... but we have plenty of tips and tricks located in our Crime Article Archive. Halloween is always the right time for a good movie, so get schooled in the ways of cinema with our Movie Article Archive!!!