I Told You Baseball Sucks! Why Don't You Listen?!?

By Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com

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Don’t you people get it… baseball sucks. Come on. I thought I made it clear in this article.

Look, I get plenty of email from tontoandfriends.com. Usually, it’s from overseas lottery boards, desperate African princes, and disgruntled Motley Crue fans.

Once in a while, I get a raging correspondence from a baseball fan, obviously upset over the cold, hard fact that the sport they love pretty much sucks. What follows is a “fan” letter from a baseball lover – name withheld.

9 REASONS WHY YOU ARE A RETARD (and have no idea what you are talking about)

1 announcers have nothing to do with the game of baseball

No, of course announcers have nothing whatsoever to do with the game… It’s not like they communicate the game and are the de facto spokespeople for the game to millions of people across the world. Part of their job is to explain the action to viewers and make the broadcasts exciting (because someone has to make it worth watching).

2 you have a sick mind (golf is probably the second hardest sport)

We agree on one point; I have a sick mind. The agreement ends there.

Golf isn’t a sport. Mosh pitting is more of a sport than golf. FACT: the average mosh-pitter is a better athlete than the average golfer. At the elite level, there's no comparison.

3 baseball is the biggest team sport ever, it takes a whole team to win a game (pitcher, defense, and offense)

Nope. Baseball boils down to one-on-one. Pitcher, batter. Actually, as a team, not the biggest either. Football, which also sucks, has baseball beat. A home run or a strikeout can win a game, which takes exactly ONE person on a team to do.

4 hitting a baseball is the hardest thing to do in sports

Not even close to being accurate. Playing a whole season and not knocking up multiple women in different cities is far more difficult (that’s why I always pull out!). Organizing an illegal dogfight is far more difficult. Getting your old memorabilia back from a shady dealer in a Vegas casino is even tougher than hitting a baseball.

And besides, many of the best hitters, including Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle, were raging drunks. Anything that can be done well piss drunk is… well, pretty easy.

5 baseball is the only sport with no full of themselves assholes

Not “full of themselves?” I’ll I know is that several heroes refused to testify in front of Congress for that whole steroid thing. That’s pretty arrogant if you ask me. If you’re going to court and have no plans on testifying, at least get drunk and earn your contempt charge.

How about that John Rocker guy? He was pretty cool, yeah? Well, unless you’re like a minority or something.

Should I even bring up Ty Cobb?

How about the fact that baseball owners and scouts have created an atmosphere in third-world countries to where kids have to lie about their age because a scout isn’t interested in a prospect who is the ripe old age of 19… or god forbid 20?

6 what else would they wear, pants, shirt and tie, come on baseball is a dirty game not for dress up

Dirty? Are you kidding me? They have a fucking roof on the dugout! They call it off if it rains and cover the field. Give me a break!

7 you dont get tired after 7 innings, if you do you shouldn't be out there, relief pitchers are meant to relief the starting pithcer, hints their name.

Relief [ri-leef] Noun.
1. alleviation, ease, or deliverance through the removal of pain, distress, oppression, etc.

2. a means or thing that relieves pain, distress, anxiety, etc.

If the starting pitchers aren’t tired, why do they need a replacement?

8 you're a pussy

You can say whatever you want about me. I haven’t gone into work for plenty of reasons: jail, because the Circle Jerks played the night before, my friend was on the Richard Bey show… plenty of legitimate reasons to miss work, but I’ve never missed a shift at the video store because I sneezed, strained putting on boots, had a bad dream, ate a donut, or was hurt tanning. Now baseball players, they can’t say that.

9 you probably suck at it. try hitting a 90mph fastball or pitching to david ortiz or catching a line drive coming at you 120 mph while only 90 feet away or feilding a ball CLEANLY and making a GOOD throw before a guy gets there in 3 seconds

Look, I saw the Major League trilogy. If that group of misfits can win it all... if John Goodman can play The Babe and if the Bad News Bears get to play in Japan, it's not like we're talking about a high level game here.

- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

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