TontoandFriends.com

By Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com

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Insomnia is a real pain in the ass. Besides taking a left hook on the temple from Larry Holmes, there’s nothing much worse than laying in bed all night, tired as hell, ans not being able to fall asleep.

Last night, my mind drifted back to my glimpse of stardom, my one shot at being immortalized… My shot at being a World Circuit character in the planned Larry Holmes’ Punch Out!!!

I tossed and turned all night thinking about what could’ve been. Would I be stuck in a corner studio apartment? Would my only source of companionship be an organ-stealing mime, a video store manager, a hippie, and a children’s book author with… dependency issues of the chemical and un-chemical make? Does Bald Bull have to blog to pay for his groceries?!

That’s actually a good question… what is Bald Bull up to these days? And not Bull, what about the rest of the gang? How are they faring?

Well… I found out!

Glass Joe – Still Fighting, believe it or not! At 75, he’s a proud Frenchman who’s still going strong. By strong I mean, at least he’s not dead yet. His last big fight was a WW2 revenge bout vs. Von Kaiser where…at least Glass Joe showed up.

Some good news for Joe to report. He recently earned his second professional win! Turns out, his opponent thought his friends were playing a practical joke on him by setting up the fight and the guy no-showed to the arena. He was quoted as saying, “Aw man, I thought that guy was dead!” Glass Joe took a win by DQ, upping his record to 2-153.

Von Kaiser - Now happily retired from boxing and the once Minor Circuit gate-keeper makes a successful living touring the country dominating the “John Bolton look-alike contest” circuit.



Piston Honda - Piston really loved being in front of the camera, and went on to become a game show host. His most successful program was "TKO From Tokyo" where contestants would allow themselves to be hit by the wackiest things possible (armadillos, pineapples, and yo-yo's, to name a few) to see who could remain standing. Those wacky Japanese...

Don Flamenco – Became a best-selling author with such titles as “How do Dance Your Way Into Her Pants,” “Flamenco’s Guide To Magic – Vol. 1 ‘How to Make Roses Vanish From Your Mouth,” and “Fixing Flaws in Your Game… Don’t Let Women KO You With Alternating Head Punches.”

King Hippo – At the end of his boxing career, King Hippo ran a conspiracy theory website from a local cyber café. After attracting the attention of “the wrong sort of people with badges…” Hippo fled the states.

King Hippo now runs a Southern Pacific cult of fat men with no penises, who can’t seem keep their pants on. They practice strange tribal/cannibalistic rituals against their most feared enemy, Chris Hansen from NBC’s Dateline.

Look for a Discovery Channel special soon, “The Shrouded Mysteries of the Dick-less men of the South Pacific.”

Great Tiger – The dude totally vanished off the face of the Earth. Seriously. It’s like he just got up and left.

Bald Bull – I was right… Bald Bull doesn’t have to blog for bucks. He’s now a real estate agent based in New Mexico. I found his business card floating around the Internet… Yeah, I’ll admit, I blocked out his contact info. He’s not making more money off my readers!



Soda Popinski – Perhaps the most athletically gifted boxer of his generation, unfortunately Popinski never broke into the upper echelon of heavyweight fighters. More than one critic has pointed to his caffeine addiction as the catalyst towards his untimely downfall.

“Who needs to do road work,” Popinski was fond of saying. “I’ve been hopped up on Jolt for two weeks straight!”

Like many athletes who found fame and early success, it was Popinski’s personal demons that kept ultimate glory a six pack (or twelve away). Sadly, Popinski fell into heavy debt with the Russian mob and you can find him working at a Las Vegas strip club as a bouncer who is called upon at times when, “the client doesn't agree with his bill…"

Mr. Sandman – Runs a small gym in a small town training a crop of upcoming fighters. Sounds fairly well-adjusted… that’s boring. Moving on…

Super Macho Man – As I well know, a boxer’s shelf life can be a cruel and short one. For many boxers, once you get that one shot at the title and miss (regardless of whether it’s by a brutal KO or a razor-thin decision), your time in the sun is over. Boxing can be unforgiving to those who fall short.

Some never bounce back… and some bounce back just fine, as in the case of Super Macho Man. Any man who is as proficient at pectoral flexing as S.M.M., and possesses a grey mullet perm will have a long, healthy career in front of the camera in adult films.

- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.

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