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Hey.
Tonto’s been trying to get me to join one of his fantasy football leagues. For those of you who have actually seen genitals (other than your own or on the computer) in the past week, allow me to explain: See, there are these people who pretend to have an obsessive interest in a lot of strangers who play on different teams, charting individual statistics on every minute aspect of their lives that almost goes as far as to calculating how many pliant and moss-like turds they make in a day. Really, really sad stuff. But, what the hell.
We’re all a bunch of dreamers. The economy starts acting like a kamikaze pilot, and we have nothing else to do but dream. When life hands people like Tonto an extra-large shit sandwich, what else can he do but take a huge bite and convince himself that he’s eating Tri-Tip? Dreaming’s not all that bad. It takes the edge off when you’re coming down from an aftershave buzz. And, it helps keep one’s priorities in order. Like crime.
In real life, I dole out pain and chaos on my own. Hiring a crew costs too much, and they end up dying on you or giving up your identity, more often than not. But, I watch an awful lot of horror flicks. And sure, there are days I close my eyes and think about how awesome it would be to take over the city with some of the most fearsome villains ever to grace the screen. If I had a gang of horror film villains, here’s who you’d face in a dark alley one fateful night:
1) Asami Yamazaki - Oh, look, you’d think, I may be lost, but at least this friendly-looking Japanese woman can help – OH MY GOD WHAT’S IN THAT BURLAP SACK, AND WHY DOES SHE HAVE PIANO WIRE IN HER HAND!
If you haven’t seen AUDITION yet, finish this article, and cancel all other priorities until you do. Trust me. 2) Marie from Haute Tension - I’d just tell her that you were standing in the way of the love she feels for Alex. Good luck trying to out run a woman who can use a concrete saw with deadly accuracy.
3)Baby Firefly - One, I bet she’s a got a crazy freak flag flying for mimes. Two, she’d distract anyone enough for me or the rest of the gang to deal the pain.
Any dream gang of horror film villains on your list? Leave me a comment! -
Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.
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