The 6 Worst Departments in Your Company!!!

By Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com

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When I was a kid did I look at myself in the mirror and say, “Man, someday I’m going to run the coolest non-chain video store the world has ever seen!” Of course not!

My goal was to be a bank robbing outlaw. As I grew older, my dreams shifted towards music and a more wide-ranging view of mayhem.

But I’ll tell you, one goal that I achieved was to never, ever… EVER find myself in an office environment. It’s quite simply “a living death.”

Trust me, I know of what I speak. As part of a plea bargain back in ’86, the judge made me join a temp agency and I served six weeks of hard labor working in a nondescript office for a company selling some stupid product. To be honest, I made it my point to not know what exactly it was that the company did or sold.

There's a lot of crummy jobs and departments in any given company. In fact, I've taken the liberty of presenting the six worst departements in YOUR company:

6. Collections – You really need to be a special kind of asshole for this job. Basically, you sit on the phone all day calling strangers and try to guilt and bully them into paying their bills that they clearly have zero intention of paying.

To succeed in collections, it's imperative that you're a high school dropout and have a threatening phone voice. It's a bonus if you have personal experience dealing with collections yourself on the other end of the phone debating topics like child support, cable bills, and free-market trickle-down economic reasoning for "if you shut off my gas, I'll find out who you are and kick your muthafuckin' ass, I swear to God!!!"

5. Inside Sales - Wow, these people are the scourge of the planet. It's their job to talk you into parting with your money in exchange for something that they're telling you that you need. If they're really good at it, by the end of your experience they'll have you thinking that the whole things was YOUR idea.

Lots of substance abuse makes its way throught the cubicles of the department. Coffee may be for closers as far as the movies are concerned, but in real life: cocaine is for closers, and cheap booze is for the non-closers.

4. Customer Service – Working is customer service is for the man or woman with no real job skill set at all. It's your job to sit dow, shut up, and take it! It's like collections in that you spend most of your day on the phone, but at least the collections person can fight back.

Customer Service have to spend their days apologizing for their company. A professional bitch.

3. Accounts Payable – Fan of Dr. Phil and Oprah? Well, good news!!! There’s a seat waiting for you in Accounts Payable. Even better (or worse depending on your size) that seat has a perfect “U” shape to it right in the middle from the 300 pound pair of buttcheeks that occupied it for 17 years prior to you.

The Accounts Payable office is the place where all things living, breathing, organic, and otherwise with any shred of life go to die between the hours of 8am and 4pm. Don't fool yourself, once it's dead, it doesn't come back at 4:01 pm.

It's the office where fad diets, $11 salon hair cuts, and Kenny G rule the roost.

2. Mail Room – The place where an ambitious young buck gets his foot in the corporate world? The perfect setting for a big budget comedy starring a guy who was only kind of funny on SNL? The true artery and heart of any business?

Nope x3.

It's the place for the marginally retarded and two-weeks ("going strong") sober to completely fuck up the most basic of tasks: taking a word, like a name, for example, and mixing it up with another name... let's use another name as an example.

1. Human Resources - The true bottom of the barrel here folks. There's nothing worse than an idiot who thinks that everyone else around him or her is an idiot. That idiot, ladies and gentlemen, is your HR Director.

To them, the office is their supermarket checkout line and it's their task... their corporate jihad, if you will, to make sure that the magazine racks are lined with incessant crap about people you work with and all the details of their mundane existance (c'mon... like I care that the fat woman in Acct. Payable is a Mormon. Does this surprise anyone?!).

- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

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