ASK A PIRATE: VOTING, GLOATING, AND DEMOTING

By Melvin, the Pirate - melvin.thepirate@hotmail.com

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Ahoy, mateys!

This ship ‘o state is charged and ready to make another mighty decision come the morrow. I trust all ye have registered for the historic occasion. Cast your ballots with courage, and cast with the desire to put the bad tidings behind us all.

Again, to those Californians bonny and fair, I remind ye to look deep in yer hearts and strike down Proposition 8.

As a pirate, a therapist, and man who loves a good and honest man (a man with a penchant for flannel and bringing me homemade shortbread cookies in bed), it’s time to show the world that we be more civilized than they think. Besides, more pirates than not care for the male caress; ye really don’t want a blood storm of disenchanted ne’er do wells on yer hands.

This I vow; there be no fury like a pirate denied a good gay wedding.

To the mailbag!

Dear Melvin.

Why should I vote? It’s pointless. I live in a state where my choice for president is always picked, and every time I vote on the propositions, the crappy ones still get chosen, and the good ones get buried. My voice isn’t heard, so why bother?

Disgruntled in Decatur

Well, Disgruntled, I know too well the isolation and futility that can come from the democratic process. Don’t lose the small blossom of hope, however.

What voting is meant to do is to stir ye on to read as much information on all sides of the issues and bring divested knowledge into ye world. Being angry with the political mindscape means yer paying attention. Combine that fury with political activism, and ye’ll be striking down the heads of ye enemies with the noblest of purpose.

Dear Pirate Therapist,

I’ve got a huge problem. Every time I find myself at a party, I can’t stop bragging about my life. My hot wife, my fast car, my corporate account, how many sit-ups I can do in a minute. It just drives everybody crazy. How can I change my behavior before all my friends refuse to invite me to another social gathering?

The Big Shot in San Diego

Dear Big Shot,

Here be an idea: Shut yer goddamned hole.

Just shut the wind bag that makes gloating its purpose the way a bakery makes bread.

Try this. Before ye arrive at a party, put about twenty caramels into ye gullet and chew them twice, then bite down on the candies and do not swallow. After about five minutes of pressure, the caramels will bind ye teeth together, making it nigh on difficult for a word to come forth from ye lips.

Ye’ll have no choice but to listen to other people all night, nodding and offering them a friendly pat or a kind eye.

Dear Melvin the Pirate,

As the Captain of me vessel, I find the hardest task to undertake be not the bloody purpose of battle, but with personnel affairs for me crew. For example, I’ve got a first mate who’s been nothing but useless since he began his new responsibilities, and yet the thought of demoting him back to cannon duty makes me so nervous I can barely keep me breakfast down. How can I summon the courage to send him back to the brass monkeys?

Captain Graves, the good ship Icarus

My condolences to yer plight, Captain Graves. It be much harder to be kind than it is to solve a problem with the edge of yer blade.

It’s time to take a deep breath and have a chat with yer first mate. Find out what he wants out of pirating, and offer to help him with his dreams. Odds are, ye’ll discover pretty quick that first mating’s not what fills him with purpose.

However, if ye discover that yer first mate wants to be the new captain of yer ship, slice his throat to the bone without pause, without remorse, and toss his vile body into the dark, briny deep.

Any other questions? Send me a comment!

- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.

NOTE: For more of Melvin, check out our Ask a Pirate Archives. With Election Day hours away, we have your fix in our Political Article Archive. If you're sick of politics, take a break with our Music Article Archive!!!