TontoandFriends.com

By Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com

Click HERE to leave a comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com.

Hey.

You know that last scene in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?

The one where Jack Nicholson is laying on the hospital bed, turning on the drool factory?

Here’s a kick ass guy, throwing piss and vinegar at the people who try to hold him down, and in the end, he ends up a zombie.

Pretty sad stuff. Now, I’m not saying Tonto Balboa was even remotely cool enough to shake hands with the guy who sold another guy the tongs that were used to carry Jack Nicholson’s jock strap, but still – it’s pretty amazing how being whipped can take somebody to a whole new level of pathetic behavior.

And, when I say whipped, I don’t mean “pussy whipped.” Nobody’s ever been taken into intensive care from an ill-timed duck from a set of aggressive labia.

Being whipped applies to any gender beating another down until whatever spot of personality they once possessed is just plain gone. Tonto moved in with Stephany, a worthless piece of spunk who (aside from turning in posts with the quality and frequency of a constipated, plague-infected monkey) seems to almost delight into hollowing out what small quiet corner of self-dignity the disgraced pugilist once had.

How do I know?

I’m a mime, folks. When you don’t talk, you pay a hell of a lot more attention to what people do, how they expose their true intentions. I offer this list of warning signs of whippitude to you, my Internet morons, so that you may save your loved ones, co-workers, hell – even strangers on the street from a fate worse than being alone: being stone cold whipped.

1) Increased irritability - When someone you know no longer thinks that setting small pets on fire is funny, take a second look at them. Odds are, they’re riding the Whipping train. Or maybe it’s their pet. Sometimes it’s hard to read ID tags when you’re reeling after twelve Lemon Pledge cocktails.

2) Ridiculous Attempts at Self-Improvement - I’m not talking about losing weight, or upgrading your meals from week-old Chinese food you found in a dumpster to things you buy at a store (though those are lame in their own way), I mean stranger things, like when I broke into Tonto’s apartment and found a highlighted copy of “Fifty Ways to Spice Up Your Love Life” in a locked drawer. (P.S. Tonto, it doesn’t matter how expensive your lock is when the wood it’s attached to is cheap ass Formica)

3) Lack of Dreams - Ever since I’ve met Tonto, he’s been talking to anyone who would listen to him, pitching his plan to launch a series of themed restaurants called “Tacos with Tonto.” Some kind of Tex-Mex-Indian-Chuck-E-Cheese abomination.

Now, all he can yammer on and on about making avant-garde films with Stephany. Sad, sad, sad.

4) Extreme Pressure on Others to Love the Whipping Party - “Isn’t Stephany great, Linus?”
“Don’t you love how she styled her hair with a fork and some bacon grease?”
“Look at this post – can’t you see how the humor pours out of her like wine?”

The whipped individual is like one of those Scientology cult members who gets so far up on the ladder that all the major secrets of the religion are revealed to be complete and utter crap.

Angered by being lied to, their only consolation comes from persuading others to piss away their time and energy with bullshit.

Don’t play their game. When you get bombarded with their questions, say, “He/She/It is a truly something…”

If you get constantly attacked with more attempts to curry your favor, take drastic measures. Cut off one of their fingers, or something.

Got any other clues on how to see the whipping scars? Leave a comment!

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

NOTE: If you liked this post, there's more "advice" in our Crime Article Archive. If you didn't like this article, perhaps we can comfort you with our Music Article Archive. Or, if you just need a few more minutes to kill before your boss MAKES you do that dumb project, there's always our Sports Article Archive!!!