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[NOTE FROM THE CHIEF: It's time for a greatest hits piece once again! This time, I've selected one of my favorite articles from our (pardon the pun) resident professional bum, Slocomb Jones]
Just because you’re a bum doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy the finer things in life.
Alcohol.
The outdoors.
Cinema.
One of my favorite things to do at the peak of my bumming career was to sneak into the drive in. One time, I live behind screen 4 at Sam’s Family Drive-In from Godfather to Godfather 2. I left after Michael had Fredo killed.
Throughout my travels, I’ve seen lots of movies…mostly on department stores TV’s, which can be a pain because security usually throws you out ten minutes into the movie. So, as an expert on cinema and as a tenth degree black belt in the art of bum-fu, I feel more than qualified to present, what I consider, the top ten bum films of all-time.
10. City Lights – For the longest time, I though the movie player this was busted, because I could see the little guy talking to the blind girl, and all I heard was piano. One time, I got so drunk, I couldn’t hear people talk for two weeks…then I realized I had a pencil broke off in my ear. Anyway, this is every bum’s dream come too: you fall in love with a girl who loves you for who you are. Here’s the problem: bums don’t have dreams. That why we’re bums! It’s the profession for the non-dreamer.
It gets a low ranking because he made me cry at the end. Bums don’t cry. We don’t.
9. (tie) Rocky – Rocky Balboa was one bounced rent check away from being a mentally-challenged bum, but Apollo Creed changed by giving him a million to one shot. Here’s where it’s like real life: when bums get a chance to do something great…we fail. Just like Rocky. He lost. Like a true bum. In Rocky II, he stopped being a bum and I stopped caring. Call me when he’s back on the streets broke and fighting AIDS patients in the gutter. That’s a real bum.
9. (tie) On The Waterfront – I’ve never seen it, but I guess it’s about a guy who always says he’s a bum. Thing is, I guess he’s always crying about. Oh yeah, well boo-hoo. Stop whining. Another boxer who can’t win a fight. I can’t stand these kind of bums. Face it, you’re a bum. Embrace it. Don’t run from it. Change is for other people. Spare change is for us.
7. E! True Hollywood Story-Corey Haim – Wow, talk about a documentary! A guy who has it all to pawning your engagement ring for pizza cash. That proves that no matter what, some people just have the gift of bumness in them. It’s in their DNA. I like to think that I’m one of those people. I know Corey Haim is.
Handle your shit, Corey. Handle. Your. Shit.
6. Young Guns II – A true story about a gang of homeless guys who run amok. I would be afraid to be homeless back in the 19th century without the luxuries that bums enjoy today. This movie reinforces two very key rules of bum life. 1.) You can’t trust anybody. Even your closest friends will shoot you in the back and 2.) When you’re a rambling old man…no one takes you seriously. Even if you’re Billy The Kid.
Plus, the film has the best bum quote ever: “You asked me if I have scars? Yessir, I have my scars.”
5. Down and Out in Beverly Hills – This is every bum’s dream come true. Get taken in. Don’t have to work. Get to fool around with the housekeeper and wife. Free food Living the high life without forgetting who you are as a true bum. In fact, I moved to LA after this movie came out, but I couldn’t find Beverly Hills. I ended up in Sliverlake and was taken in by porn producers. I didn’t stay long. The best part of this movie is that they got a real life bum to play the bum in the movie!
4. Curly Sue – This movie proved that homeless people are cute, clever, and just looking to get by. This film did a lot to improve relations between the homed and homeless population for several weeks after the films release, but eventually things went back to pre-Curly Sue levels, which hurts the overall ranking. This film could have made a global impact, but, like anything bum related…it fell short.
3. Life Stinks – Perhaps no other film in history showed how hard it is to be bum. Even Mel Brooks couldn’t make it funny, despite his best effort. Had he put singing Nazis and the Ferris Bueller guy in it, he might have had something.
2. Hard Target – If there’s one person you don’t want to cross, it’s an out of work sailor. Next time you think about messing with the crazy looking bums…I want you to picture Chance Boudreaux. That’s right, the toughest bum this side of the Orient. With ass-kicking skills to boot. When you come across a bum with chiseled abs and a well-coiffed mullet, you give that dude your last quarter. Otherwise, he might just kill you and steal your woman.
1. The Big Lebowski – For some people, it’s Citizen Kane. For other, it’s some stupid French movie. For me, this is the best movie ever, bum or no bum. Why? The Dude. Jeff Lebowski. The greatest bum of all-time. No job. Hangs out with Vietnam Vets. Doesn’t pay rent. Bowls. Enjoys drugs and alcohol. Loves Credence. Hates The Eagles. Gets women. Pure bum.
Jeffrey Lebowski, the millionaire Jeffrey Lebowski was wrong. Our revolution is not over. The bums may always lose, but when we lose…we win!
- Slocomb Jones has been a professional bum for over 50 years. In April 2007, he officially announced his retirement as a bum, and has segued into a successful second career as a retired bum and part-time bum coach/advisor. Ironically, he’s busier now that he’s retired than he’s ever been in his entire life.
NOTE: If you liked this article, there's more cinematic rants in our Film Article Archive. We got some sonic rants in our Music Article Archives. Finally, the best rants of all are always political (well, depending on who does the ranting), and we give it our best shot in our Political Article Archives!!!
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