ALTERNATIVE AND FUN WAYS TO LIVE AND CREATE

By Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com

Hey.

I’m thinking that Stephany’s got some serious blackmail ammo on Tonto Balboa. Maybe some footage of him dressing in drag and getting his leather pumps shoved heel side up his gravy maker while foxy boxing in Tijuana.

How else could she be able to take a whole fucking 17 day absence from writing only to come back and shit out one of the worst pieces of writing I’ve ever seen?

And, just because she thinks she’s goddamn coy, she starts her steaming pile of donkey dong for a post with the following statement:

"Here are a few subjects that are not taught at Artist School but that you will NEED as an artist in this country (and just for clarification for some of you Mimes out there… I’m talking about Theatre, Instrumental Music, Vocal Music, Fine Arts, Dance, etc)."

Look – theatre, music, drawing, dancing – they’re arts. I’m not blind. They’re just inferior to mime, that’s all. Strip away all the externals of each of these disciplines, and you’ll find the components of mime work through and through.

I guess the gist of what this whack job’s trying to say is this: boo hoo hoo my crappy children’s stories aren’t selling and I’m addicted to pills and the last time I had an orgasm, George Bush threw up on some Japanese people. Being an artist is sooooo hard and mommy and daddy should have told me this so I would have married someone who’s rich instead and just drink and drink and drink until my face turns grey!

Art schools don’t owe anyone shit.

They’re like a Home Depot, filled to the brim with tools and people who can recommend which paint color works best for any type of design you want. Expect offering advice you can accept or ignore.

In the end, it’s up to you whether you decide to use them correctly, or in Stephany’s case, use a chainsaw to mix a bucket of paint and bitch and moan because she chopped her arm off by mistake.

But the real learning, the time where you rise above mediocrity (i.e, the world of Stephany Ericson), comes from taking the tools you learn in art school or from other artists or by just fucking up at it so many times that you can’t help but learn a few things and combining it with your own point of view on this world, based on paying attention to what’s going on out there. News, politics, religion, what people feel and do and want.

Now, let me give you some real advice on how to make art and survive in this world, using the mnemonic device of S-T-E-P-H-A-N-Y:

Shut Up and Listen – Mimes are the smartest people around for a reason. They pay attention. Folks like Stephany cannot stop talking about how brilliant and tormented and alone they are, and it’s pretty fucking dull.

Listen to the weather around you, the people in your environment, the sound of loose change rattling in an unattended wallet, perfect for stealing. You’ll learn more than you think.

Take your art with a grain of salt - I’m pretty damn proud of my mime work. It’s won a few awards, and found its way into the hearts and minds of people. But, in the end, I’ll wind up dead in some alley, and the world will go on.

I’m not gonna change the world with pantomime. I’m just gonna make the crummy parts hurt less, for a little bit of time.

Entrepreneurship is possible - Think Stephany’s ideas of telemarketing or being a cubicle whore sound degrading? Of course they are! Start up your own business. Whether it’s web design or walking dogs or selling human organs on the black market, there’s nothing like being your own boss, with flexible hours to do art stuff.

Piss on the bitter fakers - As an artist, it is your duty to hereby ignore the jaded, bitter slags like Stephany who tell you that doing art is foolish and stupid. News flash: this world is foolish and stupid, chaotic, and short. Do it anyway.

Have no backup plan - “If I can’t be a mime, I’ll take accountant courses and…”

No.

You want to do art, you do it.

You want safety and three meals a day and a mortgage and children on your knee and a car in the garage and to be president of your local goddamn home owner’s association? Do that, then.

Don’t be surprised if you wake up to find your Blu-Ray player stolen by some artist who didn’t give up on their art.

Always help out artists who deserve help - It doesn’t have to be cash.

Show them the best places to pick up prostitutes, or which people can get you gigs.

Never give up - Even when you’re in some dry patches, where no work for your art is forthcoming, make some art anyway. Get out there, sharpen your skills.

Yell when you need to yell - This piece of advice is metaphorical, for me.

The point is that, when the time comes to show people that your art is worth their time and money, then and only then do you make some noise until they become aware of you.

Any other ways artists can balance survival and art? Email me!

LINUS

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

Sneak Peek: A look at Stallone's Upcoming Films

By Vans McCoy

Guilty Pleasure Time.

I’m a huge Stallone fan.

And yeah, I know he endorsed McCain and made Rhinestone… and Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot…and Oscar… and Judge Dredd.

Whatever.

As the saying goes, “What was once cool became lame… and now seems to be cool again.” All one needs for proof is to look at the hair-do’s and clothes of “kids these days.”

As a result, It’s been said by sociologists nationwide that we live in a “nostalgia culture.” Who said that and where? Beats me. I just know it was said, OK?

So, get off my ass about it.

The most recent example of this has been the recent critical and box office success of “Rocky Balboa.” For years, the thought of a new Stallone film seemed little more than an ill-timed punch line. That was the case until a 60 year old Rocky Balboa returned with a well-aged vengeance, losing another split decision.

And then, he made a bitchin Rambo!



And with nostalgia, comes another American trend: Milking it for everything it’s worth.

Through my vast network of Hollywood connections, which include cabbies, spiritual gurus, and actors trying to make it as waiters, I’ve uncovered the latest Sylvester Stallone vehicles that are set to take advantage of this whole “nostalgia” trip.

Marion Cobretti – Marion “Cobra” Cobretti has now been promoted from Lieutenant to Captain and is on the prowl of a notorious serial killer. Only problem is, Cobra is suffering from end stage Alzheimer’s, and his once-vigilante behavior is now much more erratic. Cobra is prone to blast anyone and anything in sight on his quest to catch the killer, whether or not they’re children or small animals. If you’re in Cobra’s way… odds are you’ll be dead soon, and he won't even be bothered by it.

Over the Top 2: Bull’s Revenge – Former trucker, and arm wrestling champ, Lincoln Hawk is now living a quiet retirement in a Barstow trailer park with a 12 toothed ex-stripper, who enjoys a casual meth dependency. Things are great for Hawk, until arch-rival Bull Hurley finds him and wants a rematch of their classic arm wrestling battle. It looks grim for Hawk until Hurley develops adult diabetes and loses the use of his right arm moments before the match.

Hawk turns on the "switch" and permanently mangles what's left of Hurley's arm.

Hawk proceeds to dominate.

Tango and Cash 2: Tango’s Last Dance - After painfully watching his partner, Gabe Cash, succumb to evils of prostate cancer, Ray Tango investigates the pharmaceutical companies that created the drugs that failed his former partner. He uncovers a web of deceit, government influence, and international conspiracy all involving prostate cancer treatment. The normally slick Tango takes is to the bastards, guerilla style, to avenge his fallen partner.

Gabe Walker – The ravages of arthritis have destroyed the careers of even the most chisled rock climbers, but not Gabe Walker, who now runs a swanky indoor rock climbing gym in Las Vegas. Of course, Gabe has his secrets. He once dropped his business partner’s girlfriend off one night (thinking it as her home) in the wrong part of Vegas… and she ended up falling into the world of sin as a peep show performer. His business partner never forgave Gabe.

All’s well until terrorists want to use the gym as a hideout while they plan to blow up the Strip. This doesn’t sit well with Gabe, and he does something about it… and by doing something about it, I’m talking NC-17 levels of dismembering, skull as soccer ball, violence.

- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

Teh Best new wordz to come from teh Internetz!!1!!oNe!!

By Tonto Balboa

The Internet has brought mankind many fantastic things.

Global communication on a personal level.

Immediate Access to Information.

2 Girls 1 Cup – If you don’t know what that is, good. Keep it that way.

My point is that the Internet is responsible for new, exciting, and flat out disturbing new age of human interaction. As a professional blogger, it’s my job to stay up to date on the latest online happenings and change. As a writer, I’m a big fan of language, so I’ve put together a list of my favorite new words to come from the Internet.

I don’t mean the abbreviations… those are for total n00bzorz. I’m talking actual bonafide words.

Fact: the Internet has created more new words than Shakespeare!



teh – A common misspelling of “the” that has taken on a life of its own. There’s no need to correct the spelling. Just listen to the word – teh – It has a possessive ring to it, does it not. It is at its most effective when followed by plural word.

Example: “Tonto and Friends is teh bests blogs on teh planets.” That was an advanced example, as I used it twice in one sentence.

!!!11!! – Ok, not a word, but you don’t have a sentence without teh punctuations, so this makes it onto the list. Now, when you put one exclamation point at the end of a sentence, the reader is to imply a feeling of excitement. When there’s more than 1, it starts to get redundant and feels forced.

BUT, when someone is so excited about a statement that they accidentally let go of the “shift” button, and don’t give a crap about fixing it… that’s a big dealz!!!1!!!1. It make the preceeding word that much more powerful.

A nice variation of this is when you spell out “one” or “eleven” in the middle. It makes for a nice self-referencial, ironic statement.

Example: I am teh stokedz about teh Ron Pauls!!!11!!oNe!!Eleventy!!!1



phail – F words are typically very strong words: Frank, Funny, Fail. Think about it… when you use two letters, you’re using twice teh grammatical powerz. When you’re telling someone that they suck, you’re taking the extra time to throw a second letter in there.

The implication is clear: you sir, are “phucked.”

n00b – One of the worst insult there is in the online world. Quite simply, you’re an idiot who hasn’t been around long enough to understand what’s going on. There are several variations of this word: newb, noob, N00b, no0b, etc. Play around with the “o” and “0” to find what combination w0rks best for you.

There are ways to avoid being the victim of this insult:
1. Have an high post count on any given Internet forum
2. Have a “join date” that goes back at least two years
3. Or, just don’t be a newb.

orz – A new suffux that can be added to any word in the world to make that word far more awesome… to be precise, to make it more awesom0rz.

Pwned – Perhaps the most mainstream word to arise from the Internet. A variation of the word “owned,” this word stems from besting someone in a video game. In the excitement of typing “owned,” the owner accidently hits the “p” (which is right next to the “o” key).

Another variation is pwn3d, which iscaused when the typer overshoots the “e” and hits the “3” key.

pr0n – Pretty simple one here. A new, and exciting way to write “porn.” It’s playful, funny, and carefree, just like the best porno.

Is at it’s most effective when preceeded by teh “teh.”

Example: I stayed home on Friday and fwapped to teh pr0nz (You should be able to deduce what fwapped means).

w00t!!1!!!oNe!1 – A general word for happiness, glee, excitement, etc. Used at either the beginning or end of a statement. Experiment with what works best for your unique writing style. Do you want to lead in with the good news… or save it for the end?

Example: w00t!1!!!11!! I pwn3d that no0bzorz. he is teh phagz.

- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.

Higher Learning - Three Lessons Every Artist Should Learn

By Stephany Ericson

Since I was extremely lucky in the genes I inherited from my unknown, but biological parents, I have not suffered much in the way other artist types suffer in our country.

The fact that I have not suffered in these ways was not due to anything that was taught to me in school, it is because I happen to be street smart and quite observant. Many other artists have these same qualities as well, but they may lack a good relationship with their Spritely.

Hence, they suffer but not for the betterment of their art.

Here are a few subjects that are not taught at Artist School but that you will NEED as an artist in this country (and just for clarification for some of you Mimes out there… I’m talking about Theatre, Instrumental Music, Vocal Music, Fine Arts, Dance, etc).

"Hi! Mr. Johnson?"

Your artistic talent level may be copious, but that is quite un-likely. Probably you have the notion that you are much more gifted than you really are. People have pandered to you your whole life telling you that you are funny, witty, do an excellent impression of Mel Torme’, Andy Rooney, Jose Ferrer. etc.

But in reality…you have been blessed by the Greek God Mediocrates.

You are so-so.

If you improve a LOT …you could work on a cruise ship.

During the slow season.

In Asia Minor.

But since being an artist is one’s own choice, a choice that requires no certificate, no diploma, no formal endorsement what-so-ever you may continue. Now you will only need a way to make ends meet as you “hone your craft” or as

Mediocrates would say:

”Στιλβωση ενος turd” you do the translation!

Art Schools should therefore teach the science of Tele-marketing to all students.

Artists of all talent levels will learn to blather endlessly to un-interested strangers(who knows… you may be an Art teacher some day) and most importantly they will learn the subtle, but very necessary skill of “hiding the pain of rejection.”

Didn’t get a standing ovation after your SINGLE botched performance of the “Rogue and Peasant slave” soliloquy?

Try getting hung up on 100 times before lunch.

$$$

Regardless of your talent level - real or perceived - you will need to contribute to meeting the bottom line. With your painting, sculpture, Arias, or more likely your skill as a Marketing Manager for aSoul, inc.

The rehearsal hours and malfeasance you put into your art will serve you well as you bifurcate all of your cumulatively earned self-esteem into MARKETING someone else’s ideas and products for cash.

You see… when you were filling your soul with the notion of gloriously expressing your inner most thoughts on canvas, in granite, on the treble clef… you didn’t realize that America doesn’t care!

Not until you are Brad Pitt anyway. So, sell, sell, sell all that un-used artsy-fartsy inner monologue crap for profit.

Art Schools need to have classes in wearing over-blown business suits, speaking with out saying anything, and the beauty of the US of Avarice.

The Ambience of MAOI’s

In your pursuit of your muse onstage, in your studio, or a street corner in Portland... you have “mixed” with many people. You have most likely “mixed” methods as you tried to marry your emotional recall with an effective physical affectation to be a more convincing Willy Loman. But we as artists should not mix our medications with out being fully informed.

Since many of you will become depressed psychopaths with or without artistic success you will be turning to drugs and alcohol to ease your insurmountable pain. My advice is “12 steps past moderation” not 13… not 20 as some of you will invariably will go(or have your publicist go for you…)

A bottle of wine and 10 or so Vicodin is plenty of “band-aid” for a lost gig, a failed showing, a tattered tu-tu, or a publishing deal gone sour.

The modern Art School of today needs to realize that we artists are going to partake of hallucinogens… our own form or Performance Enhancing Drugs. There should be 2 pharmacology classes for every potential graduate.

1st - a class on what to take for each particular mood needed.
2nd - a class on what drugs should not be taken together.

For instance don’t take valium, and speed! You will feel normal... and who wants that?

Also, as artists and tortured souls we should adhere to some form of etiquette… always, and I mean ALWAYS, have a current suicide note on your person. You never know when you will reach the bottom of your pit. It could be after losing a part, or after a marketing meeting.

Who wants to take the time to compose one when you are in a foul mood?

I truly hope that the administrators and officials who read this column will take heed of this advice and augment their curriculum immediately. We artists need the protection that only good education can provide.

Unless, like me you were blessed with good genes. And not quite a ton of passion.

- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of childrens books (“The Best of Me”, “2nd of July” and “Mild, Mild, Oh So Very Mild”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

IN DEFENSE OF: HALL AND OATES WHY THIS MUSICAL GROUP IS MORE FUN AND NOTEWORTHY THAN YOU THINK

By The Schmooz

Hey there, dreamers and homecoming queens!

Most of my loyal readers know that The Schmooz ain’t afraid of keeping it real, even when being honest and open is likely to earn you scorn and derision.

In fact, one of the most popular posts on this site is all about how I opened up a piece of my heart and told you a few of the songs I secretly love.

Based on the enthusiasm and discourse this topic brought to the internet community at large (and based on the supple internet vixens who offered their succulent delights to me in exchange for expressing which tunes made their motor run), I’ve decided to make “In Defense of …” a regular Schmooz feature, as I cut through the hipster cynicism and make it plain to you, my generous and sexy readers, why certain musical talents regarded by the mainstream as gauche, tawdry, or sickly sweet are indeed worthy of your praise.

In fact, I guarantee that the musical acts I choose will shake up your lovemaking if you just let them work their magic, wherever you may love!

So, let’s kick off the feature with a group that’s been written off as a joke of the eighties, Hall and Oates.

And sure, at face value, the duo can look kinda silly.



A couple of skinny, big-haired white boys singing blue-eyed soul. Oates and his enormous moustache. And I agree that some of their lyrics are well-meaning at best, and pretty embarrassing on occasion.

Time for a little confession from yours truly. I’m partially responsible for one of their worst lyrical efforts.

See, Hall and Oates toured with me when they were just getting their feet wet, and we became fast friends. One night, after listening to one of their newest compositions, we all got liquored up on whiskey and jumped in the hot tub, two fine young ladies apiece for each of us.

I was telling them about this new show I saw on CBS with Tom Selleck, and all of a sudden, I started making up lyrics to fit the music they had just written. Hall and Oates immediately rushed out of the hot tub, naked as the day they were born, and started writing down what I was singing.

In the meantime, I was introducing myself to the six young companions, ya dig?

Well, the next day, sober as a judge, I heard them record the lyrics I had sung the night before. They were god awful, dear readers. They just didn’t make sense. I begged them to change them around. But they wouldn’t budge. At least they were kind enough to take my name off of the credits.

And that’s the story of how “Private Eyes” came to be.

But, “Private Eyes” aside, here are some reasons to give Hall and Oates the respect and admiration that they are due:

1)Maneater - This song is so solid and so sexy, that I could just use this one reason and this one reason alone to defend them.



Seriously, if you’ve written off Hall and Oates, just listen to this song. THUM-THUM-THUM-DA-THUM-THUM-DA-THUM-DA-THUM – man, that beat gets into your loins and doesn’t let go!

That, combined with some sweet saxophone love and Hall’s golden voice, makes for a killer song.

And ladies, don’t be fooled. This isn’t your typical misanthropic song. Listen carefully; Hall and Oates wrote it about the modern eighties woman, emancipated from sexual repression, now able to love and groove as much as she wants, with whomever she wants.

2)Sara Smile - Anybody who wants to write Rhythm and Blues, you sit up, you take notice! “Sara Smile” is a gentle, panty-melting number, in the style of Heatwave or Al Green.



It’s simple, not a lot of bells and whistles – great foreplay music. And, if you’ve got this one-dimensional view of Hall and Oates, it’ll melt your mother-loving brain to know that these cats could strip away the synthesizers and just put their love out there so gracefully.

3)I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do) - In the world of music, if an artist digs another group’s flavor, they borrow from it. As much as hip-hop loves to pretend it’s above groups like Hall and Oates, the fact is that this number is one of hip-hop’s favorite sampled beats.



Hell, even Michael Jackson stole the groove from this song to make “Billie Jean” It’s the Rosetta Stone of music, readers. Crack it open, and let your body flow!

4)Rich Girl - My last case for the group, “Rich Girl” comes right out of the gate with its catchy, catchy hook. Feels like a song you’d hear sung on the street by a makeshift doo-wop group. Funny thing is, the source of this song isn’t a woman at all; Hall wrote it about his ex-wife’s old boyfriend who was an heir to a fast food chain.



Another classic song from a soulful, sensual group.

Got any love/hate for Hall and Oates in your heart? Let it flow, baby, and email me!

THE SCHMOOZ

- Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.

The Top Crappiest Neighbors to Have

By Tonto Balboa

News Flash: Writing doesn’t pay my bills.

Neither does boxing anymore.

That’s why I started selling Indian shit door-to-door.

That didn’t work.

That’s why I started writing.

Perhaps the crappiest thing about not being able to make it big (and by big, I mean rich) as a writer is that I still have to live in a bachelor apartment in the back corner of a dirtbag apartment complex.

You know what the worst part about living in the back corner of a dirtbag apartment complex is?

“What are the neighbors?”

“Correct. Choose again, Tonto.”

“Ok. I’ll take the top xxx shittiest neighbors for a $1000, please.”

The “Punk” Band upstairs – Here’s how this works: take a two-bedroom apartment and move in a singer, guitarist, bassist, drummer, a few of their girlfriends, and good luck getting more than 6 hours of sleep on any given night. Your best chance is between 2am – 8am on weeknights and from 4am – 10am on the weekend.

They get the whole partying aspect of being in a band down, it’s just the music that they forget. In two years, they’ve never played a concert, but they have shirts and have plastered stickers all over the complex.

Vans just sent me an email: “you should so firebomb those fuckers… uh, metaphorically of course. just do it as realistically metaphorically as you can.”

The Corporate Drug Addict – This is the neighbor where you can count on one hand the number of times you’ve seen her sober. And this is after two years of living there. She has a good job, but can be found stumbling around the complex with a bud light in her hand from the moment she gets home till she wanders back to her apartment.

No one is bothered by her because she dresses nice and drives a 1999 BMW.

The Low Level Pot Dealer – This guy is a real asshole. He’s the guy that drives a SUV with the bullet hole decals on the side and blasts the dumbest of the dumbass music around.

This guy smokes so much weed that he sleeps through his alarm most mornings, which ends up waking me at 6:30am. It doesn’t shit off until I hit the wall hard enough to wake him, then he shuts it off… until the snooze goes off ten minutes later.

I can’t complain to anyone about him, or punch him because he hooks people up with shitty weed for good prices. I'd be lynched.

The “Pro” Poker Player – Watch your stuff around him, and DO NOT let him in your place. He will steal something. Guaranteed.

Why?

Because he sucks at poker! He’s at the casino all day, and always brags about how much money he wins… which begs the question: WHY DO LIVE NEXT TO ME?!

He always tries to organize home games, and never wins those. He then wants to argue with whoever wins and tries to go double or nothing on something as stupid as “how long the next commercial on TV will be.”

I actually won a home game on a lucky hand and he wanted to fight me. I won by KO… but it was unsanctioned, so it doesn’t count on my record. I haven’t been invited back.

The Cro Magnon Electrician – He’s the fix it guy
of the complex who can’t string three syllables together, even if they’re broken up over the course of two or three words. Then he has the nerve to get mad when you can’t understand what “yuuu knoooo whhaaaaa I saaaa abbboooo yooooow shoooow heeeeeeaaa.”

I just wanted him to fix my shower head. Call me an elitist, but showering in brown water isn’t for me.

The 45 year old Reformed Stripper with Cats – Very nice lady, but she has way too many crosses up in her apartment. I count at 15 that you can see from the front window. I’m guess she used to be attractive, or at least had a hot body, because she got some sailor tattoo smeared across her chest and something that looks like it used to be a dragon going down her leg.

She always using the damn washing machines and never takes her clothes out when they’re done. And it’s always bras and panties, so I don’t want to move them.

I need to move.

I may have to start boxing again. Fuck.

- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.

FUN WAYS TO SPEND YOUR UPCOMING TAX REBATE

By Linus the Angry Mime

Hey.

It’s official. You know that the economy is on a crash course to utter ruin when the President panics and holds a press conference to play Daddy and tell us that everything’s gonna be all right.

Me? I knew the nation would be in a pickle when clowns started disappearing from the street corners. Granted, I was glad to see the little parasites go. But when clowns can’t make enough money from the cash of stupid and ignorant tourists who wouldn’t appreciate good pantomime if it offered them daily horoscopes and menthol cigarettes, you know that the country is in for some tough times.

So, the answer to all of our financial woes is this: more tax rebates.

The idea is that if we get more money back from our taxes, we’re sure to dump the cash back into the economy, which will then stir back to life and make America the best place to live again.

Kinda like giving a cancer patient a shopping spree and a makeover, you know?

But hey, money is money. Seeing as that these magical rebates probably won’t come to us for about a year or so, let’s brainstorm now as to what material comforts we could purchase with our new found riches.

Remember, don’t you dare use the cash to pay off your mountains of debt. Don’t put it in savings. If you do that, the terrorists win!

1)Books - Books are a great way to blow your fiscal wad. They give you the illusion of feeling smart without doing any extra work, and they take your mind off the fact that you’ll be living in a cardboard box fighting off the roaches for breakfast by the time you’re old enough to retire.

And, if you’re one of those people who can’t hold a plot in your head longer than the length of an average sitcom, why not give short stories a try? Here’s a good one: The Exciting Life and Death of the Amazing Henry and Other Stories. You can buy it here.

2)Sponsor a mime - Hey, remember all those people your teachers in school used to make you pretend to care about? You know, those people back in the old days who painted crap or wrote plays or songs. Did you know many of them had patrons?

No, not the tequila you swill that makes you think you’re more cultured than those of us sipping vanilla extract.

People who gave artists money and helped them live so they could make stuff. This made the rich people feel better about themselves, and got stuff named after them. And the artists could spend less time selling plasma and more time making things.

It’s like this: you have money, but no way to create stuff. I’m a mime, who creates art just as easily as most of you take a shit. Give your self-esteem a boost by being my patron.

I’ll name some work after you, and you can point to me on the street and say, “See that dear fellow? I’m his patron!”

3)The flashiest, biggest video game systems you can afford - You know you want to plunk your rebate cash on this! Nothing like coming home after a hard day at work and coming up with clever new ways to blow shit up or stab people in a game that will keep your homicidal urges at bay!

Also, since these systems have a great resale value, be sure and leave a window open where you live, for me.

4)Lottery Tickets - Lost the will to live? No longer have desires to do anything else with your life other than produce carbon dioxide and dream about being super-wealthy? Looking for a way to donate money to education without having to look compassionate?

Lottery tickets are your path to success!

Spend every last penny from your tax rebate on tickets!

Your odds of winning are pathetic, and the government will suck up the money they just gave to you and use it wisely.

5)Ipods - And not just the cheapest one on the market. Get as many of the expensive kind as your rebate will allow. Then, throw your cash into it. Buy music, movies, television shows, games for the systems.

Wear it twenty-four hours a day, even in the shower. The goal is to be so disconnected from society that you’ll be lulled into a safe, cocoon-like bubble.

Perfect for when I knock you unconscious with a potted plant and steal your stuff.

Any other fun ideas for giving into your consumer urges? Email me!

LINUS

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

The Top 9 Presidential Addictions of All-Time - Tonto and Friends Greatest Hits

[NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Here's something from our greatest hits collection. This originally ran last July. Please enjoy this funny Blast from the Past. - Tonto]

By Bustamante

We’ve all been addicted to something over the years. Lord knows I have. Lots of things.

Steely Dan.

Unemployment.

Protest rallies.

Anything else? Oh yeah, drugs. Lots of drugs. I would dare say I’m a specialist when it comes to being addicted. I guess it’s in my personality.

Way back in ’81, I spent some time in a Portland Library, and did some research on American history. Lo and behold, yours truly isn’t the only who’s had a problem in this area.

In fact, many of our greatest Presidents (and some not so great ones…I’m looking at you Harrison and Ford), have had problems controlling their demons, if you will.

I hold some empathy for them, but dammit, I spent 6 months in jail once because of my “dependencies,” and these guys go into the history book. Not fair.

Not fair, at all, man.

So, in this little bit of expose journalism, I’m outing the top 9 US Presidential addictions of all-time. For the record, George Washington was a big time booze hound (and poon hound, if my records are correct)...we’re talking Betty Ford level, but he gets a pass. Also, Lincoln was known to cross dress, but he too, gets a pass. Seriously, they earned it.

9.) Gerald Ford – Steroids
Pretty obvious here. Ex-football player. Dumber than a convention hall of Tyra Banks top 1,000 fans with down syndrome. I mean look at him…the cro magnon skull, extended jaw, sagging eyes – all telltale signs. His wife drank; you wonder why? Steroids are known to shrink your nuts, as evidenced by Ford choosing party over country when he pardoned Nixon, cementing the culture of dirty politics that everyone bitches about today.

The root reason of it all, Why US Politcs are the way they are: Steroids.

8.) Thomas Jefferson – Weed
TJ should probably should get a pass too, but someone has to represent the founding fathers on the list. This guy had life figured out. He knew that we were all one humanity, despite our political differences. He was cool as far as inter-racial dating went, was more spiritual than religious…knew there was a greater power, but couldn’t define it. Definite pothead. For sure. Plus, he hung with Ben Franklin…where do you think the phrase “high as a kite came from?”

7.) Andrew Jackson – Painkillers
Look, Old Hickory was the toughest son of a bitch that’s ever been President (yes, that includes Carter), and the only way to survive what he survived is good Old Fashioned Painkillers. At 13 he was taken as a POW by the Brits and was beaten because he told a British soldier to “shove it” when asked to scrub the soldier’s boots.

Over his life, Jackson was in 103 duels and didn’t die. He got shot lots of times (he kept a musket ball in his lung because he could). He’d cough blood, and preferred coins to paper money…because it hurts more when you punch someone with a roll of quarters in your hand than a wad of twenties.

6.) Teddy Roosevelt – Opium
The earliest description of Opium says that its primary use is to aid manliness, strengthen sperm, and reclaim vigor. It also boosted your ability to score chicks and could make you a better alchemist. Sounds like Teddy Roosevelt, huh?

Want proof: Here’s a picture of Teddy after he knocked out an elephant in Africa with his bare hands…still holding his opium bong!



Nature. Manliness. Suspenders. Opium.

5.) Chester A. Arthur – Fashion
Granted, this is no drug, but being addicted to fashion is a bonafide addiction and President Arthur (much like his Dudley Moore namesake) was hooked on living the high life. He was known to change his pants several times a day so that he would look good – in stark contrast to Reagan, who shit his pants several times a day, or Clinton, who stained his pants on a daily basis.

Known as the “Gentlemen Boss” for his style, Arthur was a modern day E! fashion show. He refused to move into the White House until after 24 wagons of old junk was removed so he could redecorate. Chester A. Arthur. Fashionista. President.

4.) GWB – Cocaine
It’s true. It’s totally true. Watch the news…this is what happens when a coke head runs the planet. It’s not Scarface…it’s real life.

3.) Eisenhower – LSD
Historians would lead you to believe that “Ike” suffered from tinnitus, a constant sound in your ear (where else would it be) that resembles anything from buzzes, ringing, or whistling sounds to songs, locusts, or even voices. Tinnitus my ass. Those are flashbacks, baby. Trust me. I’ve been there. Many times.

Eisenhower was known to score primo LSD from the Congo, but when the 1st democratically elected Prime Minister of the Congo, Patrice Lumumba wanted to stop the export of LSD, Ike went batshit nuts, and had Lumumba killed by the CIA.

Fact: Don’t get in between a man and his LSD, especially when that man is Dwight D. Eisenhower.

2.) FDR – Gambling
Little known fact about FDR is that he loved to watch the ponies run. Yup. He’d spend hours while Governor of New York at the track because “he just like to watch things run.” Yeah, right. The truth is that was in serious debt to the New York mob, and after failing to pay up one night…they made sure that FDR never “ran” again, beating him senselessly with a Polo mallet. On the scene, Polo was mistook for Polio, and history was made.

In spite of the mob and their actions, FDR would run again. Four terms as President proved that you can break a man’s legs…but dammit, he’s gonna gamble for the rest of his life.

1.) Harrison – Caffeine (specifically coffee)
They say that a warm cup of coffe is great way to start a day. However, in Harrison’s case, it was the worst way to start a Presidency in history. The former war hero wanted to prove that he was still the leader he was at Tippecanoe, so he guzzled a barrel of hot java and delivered the longest innagural Presidential address in history. It would be the only “longest” thing he did as President. His caffeine-fueled rant lasted two hours…he caught pneumonia, as a result and died a month later. Self-owned.

- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.

Syphilis Too? More Reasons to Hate Christopher Columbus

By Vans McCoy

When I was young, I met this super hot chick at a TSOL show.

Green hair.

No acne. A lot of punk chicks were, and still are, covered in acne.

Nice cans. Plump, but not saggy.

Cool style. Nothing forced.

Plus, she put out!

As soon as TSOL finished playing “Code Blue,” we went back to her studio apartment and it was on!

A week later, I had a sore on my dick. Syphilis. It could’ve been worse. She could’ve missed her period, but then again, that’s why I always pull out!

Of course, I got it from her. I didn’t blame her necessarily. I mean, it was totally her fault, but I lay the full blame on whoever gave it to her.

And now, I finally figured out who that was:

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS!!

So, of course, I had to look into what else this bastard brought with him to the New World (a world that had been found before him by several other people… fucking egomaniac). We know about the whole rape, murder, genocide, robbery, slave trading, revisionist history, mutilation in the name family values, and so on. But he brought much worse with him.

Oh yes... syphilis was only just the beginning!

Soccer – For centuries, basketball was premier game of the New World. In fact, the Arawaks were among the most physically gifted ballers the world had ever seen. Their crossovers were lighting quick, and many ankles of lesser players were snapped trying defend the crossover.

But then, Columbus chopped all their hands off because they couldn’t find gold. As a result, basketball died for hundreds of years, and now we’re stuck with Soccer. 500 years later, and still, nobody likes watching that crap. Thanks, dick.

Gang Signs – Anyone who truly knows their history will tell you that Columbus was a thug of the highest order. This guy was street, and would shank any mofo that got in his way. You gave him your gold or your life. That’s it.

And, he was a cocky son of a bitch too. He was claiming sets way before it was cool.

Here’s the proof:



Look closer:



He's claiming West Side. An obvious reference to West Indies.

Look at his smirk. He thinks he's hard.

Late Fees – CC had promised the people of Spain a truck-load of gold. In reality, there was only a tricycle-load of gold to be stolen and pillaged, so what does Columbus do: he brings back slaves as make up payment.

This went over so well that business owners started instituting on enforcing such a stipulation in all business deals. We see this today as late fees at video stores. As a video store manager, I’m fully aware of the implications of Columbus’ treachery… but hey, the deadbeats help pay my rent.

From now on, whenever someone bitches to me about paying extra, I say, “Don’t blame me… blame Christopher Columbus. I just work here.”

Over the course of my research, I decided to look up the girl with the green hair who gave me the syphilis. I found her in some suburb married to some fireman and with three kids. She said she didn’t remember me. A likely story.

When I reminded her about giving me syphilis after a TSOL show, she threatened to call the cops.

- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

HOW TO AVOID SLEEPING WITH YOUR TWIN: FUN ON THE DATING SCENE WITH LINUS, THE ANGRY MIME

By Linus The Angry Mime

Hey.

Some of you may remember that I grew up in an orphanage.

Orphanage, failed abortion parade - call it what you will.

Say what you will about orphans – the ones I knew had the good sense not to fool around with each other. There’s no sexual urge in the world that a good beating with a mop handle won’t repress.

Something must happen to those bastards who get adopted. They get spoiled. They get soft. They think nothing’s gonna hurt them anymore. Like the world’s filled with nothing but lollipops and hand jobs.

And then – WHAM! Unbeknownst to them, they end up sleeping with their twin.

They make excuses.

“I didn’t know I had a twin”, or “we felt an inevitable attraction, so it wasn’t our fault.” Waa waa waa waa boo freaking hoo!

Orphans know, okay? We just know when somebody bunked up at the county home, or when a person’s been adopted. Anybody who claims otherwise is hiding some deep, dirty secret - like the fact that their family tree may have some square roots.

And, as a personal favor to the rest of you who lack the good sense to avoid sticking your toes into your own gene pool, here’s a quick way to make sure you’re only humping those people who didn’t share some vaginal real estate with you:

1)Don’t have sex with people who can finish your sentences - Look, I know the urge to screw is a powerful one. That’s why it’s better to stick with professionals, as far as I’m concerned.

But let’s say you’re at a restaurant, someplace nice, where the salt and pepper shakers aren’t bolted to the table. You’re talking with your date, it’s getting hot and heavy, and all of a sudden, you start finishing each other’s conversations.

Pay the check and split! It’s not cute; it’s a classic case of twins reading each other’s minds. Evil at work, let me tell you!

Need further proof? Watch this:



2)Date outside your race - Just do it! Stop looking for people who resemble your mother or father. They’re like comfort food – you grow too dependent on that crap and you’re gonna regret the way it makes you feel for years to come.

Besides, your mother and father weren’t so hot to begin with. Date people greener or pinker or greyer than you!

Or, why not take a trip over to the local senior citizen’s home and win the geriatrics over with your charm? No risk meeting your twin there!

3)Have sex with me - As a last resort, if you are at your wit’s end, and you are only a hair’s breath away from committing unspeakable genetic horrors, you can have sex with me. All I ask if that I get paid up front in cash, and there’s no talking.

Any other tips on how to avoid tangoing with your twin? Email me!

LINUS

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

WANT SOME LOVING BY VALENTINE’S DAY? A FEW FUN TIPS TO NIP CELIBACY IN THE BUD

By The Schmooz

Hey there, freckles and laugh lines!

When it comes to loving, some people seem to think that mere patience and serendipity alone will bring forth lovers as succulent and inspiring as Venus sprung forth from the lusty foam of the sea.



That’s not gonna happen. You’re not gonna meet that special sexy someone in the same old place and with the same old habits you’ve been using, if loving hasn’t already happened.

True and devoted readers of the Tao of Schmooz know that loving is a full-time job, ya dig?

And for those of you who are determined to wipe the potato chip crumbs off of your faces, straighten your clothes, and get to work on loving will find their efforts paid back in kind.

Loveless creatures, it’s time to present YOU to the world! You have just about one month to use these pearls of wisdom. Be brave, be determined, and you will avoid the grim and shuddering thought of spending the 14th of February all alone:

1) Join a pottery class - Who takes pottery classes? Bored divorced or single mothers, lovers! People who need the pure and devoted love only you can bring.

Picture this: your first day of class, your hands straddle a spinning cylinder of clay.



All eyes are drawn to your eager and nimble fingers as they bring beauty and resonance to what was once a blank and unassuming piece of earth. Plus, you’re the only man in the room. By the end of the class, you’ll have your choice of lovers!

2) Buy a dog, and take it to the dog park - Having a dog makes you stand out as someone who has a sweet spot for animals. Plus, some of the freakiest lovers you’ll ever meet have a penchant for the pooch!

Dog parks are great places to meet new lovers. You already have a good way to start the conversation, introducing the animals to one another while your eyes fixate on one another.

3) Go back to school - Take a course at your local college or university. If you’re feeling the pressure to seek out a lover before the middle of February, you have to realize that college kids are feeling this urge, too!

Avoid classes in gender studies or science classes. You don’t want your chances of making a connection ruined by shouting matches or exploding chemicals.

Stick with literature and history classes. Use the assignments in each class as an excuse to approach potential lovers and see if they want to form a study group with you.

4) Wear a monocle - Why? Because nobody wears them anymore. It’s to get you noticed, ya dig?

That, and a pencil-thin moustache will serve you well to create a persona so indelible that lovers won’t be able to take their eyes off of you. Rumors will fly about your ineffable reasons for your eyewear.

Finally, curiosity-inflamed lovers will approach you, demanding to know why you wear such odd apparel. It is then that you demure and insist they have dinner with you in order to have their questions answered.

The rest, dear readers, is in your hands.

Any other tips to kick-start love in one’s life? Email me!

THE SCHMOOZ

- Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.

WHICH PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO BE FUN AND DIABOLICAL CRIMINALS

By Linus the Angry Mime

Hey.

So, unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past few weeks, you’ve no doubt been spoon-fed enough presidential primary coverage to give you the runs.

You probably just want to turn a blind eye to this parade of greed and desperation. After all, you’re internet morons – who needs politics when there’s pornography of every conceivable stripe just waiting for your deserving lust?

Stay tuned in to the coverage, no matter how much it upsets or bewilders you. Right now is the perfect time to see which of these politicos would excel at our nation’s greatest pastime – crime.

Crime is what makes our beloved democracy work.

When I steal some dumb tourist’s wallet, he in turn has to work extra hard at the paper clip factory where he works just to make up the loss. Paper clip production increases, which leads to greater profits for the company, which allows the CEO of the paper clip corporation to reach his fingers into the employee pension fund to give his daughter a forty-five million dollar wedding.

For a wedding of that magnitude, scores of people are hired, all of whom make up for the middling wages they’re paid by stealing anything from the wedding that isn’t bolted down.

We want a President who isn’t gonna apologize for stabbing their grandmother if it helped them make a few bucks.

We need them to be the apex of criminality, if only so we can look at them and say, “Well, I beat my