TontoandFriends.com

By Stephany Ericson - stephany.ericson@hotmail.com Baseball season is imminent with the promise of many extra-inning games. Today is Leap day: an extra day for the year. My current headache has prompted me to take extra pain killing action into my body. Everywhere I look- “Extra” screams back at me as if my Spritely was trying to tell me something. But what is it? This question has been bothering me the past few weeks. Despite how different I am from you readers, we do all share the experience of having our lives befuddle us at times. In these times, I ruminate, ponder, and eventually become enlightened. You buy 12 packs and suck them down with numbing efficiency. In short we are both better off. This nagging sense that my inner most nurturer was attempting to un-shadow fundamental Stephany changes has been palpable of late. But as with all things in the world of shadow, sharp focus was not forthcoming with greater effort, or even self-loathing screams of “what’s wrong with you, you wretched bitch!??” Since that tactic has in the past been extremely effective, I was frustrated, depressed, and bordering on a mime-like unpleasantness. Something had to give and soon. My answer came to me as many do: with sudden effervescent clarity. I was in the bathroom stall at RiteAid putting on a wig, and fresh blouse: In this past year, I have gained EXTRA traits, habits, and attitudes. These new personality amendments did not truly spring forth organically, but instead were acquired from people I chose to have relationships with …for good or bad. And since these EXTRA life slices did not come from me… I need take no responsibility for them. Like any un-wanted bad habit… they will run their course and disappear when the time is right. You, dear readers (and Linus) may also be afflicted with gnarly, misbehaving, atrocious behavior… that is NOT your fault. Here are some examples: Three’s company, 7 though? We live, we love. Some of us live a lot….ahem. In my early years I was consistently a 1 Man woman, but truthfully as of late I have been seduced by the lavish cornucopia of Man Fruit to be had on every street, in every burg, ville or town. I can’t help myself. Is it my 40ish female libido? No! Am I a 2 bit tramp? No! Do I blame myself anymore? NO! Truth is….a fellow writer…someone with whom I shared a literary agent(yes… in that way too) was such a man magnet, even though she was the poster child for “Average” body type. I watched her wrap men around her finger with the subtle favors she got them to do for her….trapping them in a way, into future brief sexual liasons: “Can you help me move?” “My car is busted…can you give me a ride?” “Do you know how to change locks?” “I don’t like receiving oral sex” After watching this master at work….I unknowingly adopted her style verbatim…although…thankfully I’ve not copied her waist line. So, if you are currently an honest slut, it is possible that it is not your fault. You may have picked up the behavior from a writer or teacher. Could have been a juggler. It will work itself out. Get tested every few months though. Much Ado Getting things done is part of the American Way of life. So is spending the weekend on the couch watching Sex and the City….Most of my life I had a healthy balance of both. Writing copiously, and relaxing with Spritely. However-in the past year I have found myself several times not only multi-relaxing…but multi-multi-relaxing…perhaps even Mega-relaxing! I can watch Sopranos on A&E, UFO Hunters on History, while downloading episodes of LOST on iTunes and jamming to the sweet subtle sounds of Ted Nugent. I can do all this and more for weeks on end. Where has my work ethic gone? An athlete I “knew” was somehow an influence upon me. He would do his work outs…but in between was indistinguishable from mold. When I asked him about this he just broke down and cried. I never found out if he was a tortured soul…or if he had plantars fasciitis. My hope is that at some point after I figure out where the Polar Bears are from…I can resume writing in earnest. Lord knows the world needs my words. IHOP This is perhaps the most difficult of my new attributes to admit. Even Spritely shields me from it by making sure I am loaded on Vicodin most of the time. But I can no longer deny that I have engaged in behavior that I would deem “inappropriate” for all but a selected and house arrested few. There are YouTube reports to confirm that I …Stephany Ericson the writer...have donned black clothing, white face pancake make up and performed “pieces” on the streets of my quiet town. I will acknowledge that pantomiming swinging a sock filled with nails looks almost exactly like pantomiming a sock filled with no nails, so my pieces must have failed. I was left no money, no treats and really the only person who remained for my performance was actually waiting for the bus…which was late. We all know from whom I picked up this nasty bit of business. One would think that he left the black garb and face paint in my home to encourage me to further forms of expression, but after seeing the YouTube…I see that he was trying to embarrass me. Well Linus congratulations. I only hope you are not able to find the hidden cameras I’ve managed to place in your P.O. Box. Oh…damn…I’ve let you know where it is…oh damn…I’ve already digitized and uploaded the video to your pals in Langley, VA - you hit that clerk from behind…not very fair…but what about you is fair? Oh…that you are a mime. Excellent. - Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of childrens books ("The Best of Me," "2nd of July," and "Mild, Mild, Oh So Very Mild") Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

By Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com Hey. Any intelligent person should fear technology. And no, not because of some stupid, hippie-dippy, let’s get back to nature and go dry hump a rock reason. Not because of some paranoid, - the government is hiding video cameras in our Fruit-Loops - way, either. You should fear technology because it always devolves into the lowest common denominator. Don’t believe me? Check out this: Yeah, you read it right. It’s a Taser holder and an MP3 player all in one. I’m against Tasers on principle. They’re weapons for idiots. They lack panache. When it comes to instant submission, there’s nothing classier than a well-timed thrust on a pressure point with a plastic bag filled with nails. Tasers make weak people feel too brave, and those prongs hurt like a motherfucker when you have to pull them out in a hurry. But, Tasers aide, this is why I think this new hybrid is such a fucking waste of technology: why would you combine a weapon, something that requires full use of your senses, with a music player that makes you as deaf as a doorpost? Hell, half of the people I rob aren’t smart enough to take off their headphones when they’re by themselves. I can’t wait to see these Taser morons piss themselves when I sneak up behind them one night. They’ll probably end up shooting themselves in the fucking face. So, with this newest benchmark in technological progress as a guide, I’ve decided to use my power of prognostication and reveal to you new gadgets of the future that are guaranteed to be just as sad and pathetic. 1)Blackberry/fork - Are you a savvy business person on the go? Are you a VIP, or just want people to think you’re important? Are you deathly afraid of germs? Now you can take the corporate world by storm with this combination cellphone/fork set. Every device has a self-cleaning tube to allow you to taste exotic, new dishes without worrying about whether the busboy gave himself a prostrate exam before setting down utensils. Eat fear free!! 2) Segway/ice cream maker - Looking for a way to feel the wind rushing through your hair at a rip-roaring twelve miles an hour AND make the best homemade ice cream on earth? This Segway model combines the space-age technology of Segway with the freezer core that churns each time you move. 3) Wi-Fi Detector/Personal Massager - This is the perfect gadget for you white collar bitches who have to have your laptop with you wherever you go (which is great for me – the coin I make on the market selling them once stolen is nice) and let go of a little tension as well. Simply push a button and you can locate the greatest source of signal strength for your loser computer nerd needs. Push another button, and the device roars to life, a quiet, forceful hum guaranteed to sooth your tired, flabby arms, shoulder, and leg muscl – Who am I kidding? It’s for masturbating. Sticking it in your grubby, dark places until you forget about the joke that is your life. Any other nightmarish devices you imagine will come to fruition? Leave your comments, if you dare! LINUS - Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

[EDITOR's NOTE: I would to personally welcome a new writer to our staff... Matthew McLaughlin. He's a very funny writer, and I look forward to reading more of his work. I see him and Linus making fast friends with one another. - Tonto]

By Matthew McLaughlin

Welcome everyone.

My name is Matthew McLaughlin, better known to your younger sister as that 'Drunk Guy.' Now, I know what you're thinking -- 'Who is this guy and why is my sister buying a pregnancy test?'

I won't answer the second question, but I can tell you that I'm the newest (and dare I say most gorgeous) writer to this site. Just think of me as the less-talented, less-famous, less-rich, less-Angelina Jolie banging Brad Pitt. Come say hi if you're ever in 'my hood' (as the kids say), but bring a bottle of tequila because, well, I drink a lot.

Anyways, my first article ever on this site is about all the fun things in life -- that annoy the hell out of me. Trust me, I am an easygoing person, but sometimes certain things make me want to grab grandma's knitting needle and jam it through my testicles to help ease the much bigger pain that these things are to me.

With out further adieu -- or any other French word you want to use -- here is the list:

1. Hanna Montana aka Miley Cyrus aka Pedophile Magnet
This teenage loud-mouth is cutesy if you're 10. I'm almost 30. Therefore, I do not want to see your bubbly-ass bouncing around the television, movie theatre, magazine covers, or porn shoot anymore.

Seriously, I never thought that I would want to hear your dad's suck-fest of a song 'Achey Breaky Heart', but after hearing you on t.v. every five minutes, with your Barry White man's voice, I long for your daddy's mullet.



The only thing that would make you worth watching is if you started selling products on infomercials late at night. I can see you now, smiling at the camera with your plate-sized teeth, and saying: 'The only thing tough enough to cut down this Giant Redwood tree, other than my teeth, is the new John Deer Titanium Tree Slicer 3000.'

2. World of Warcraft
Seriously? Over ten million people play a game with wizards, goblins, and all of that other lame crap where the main concept is basically an electronic version of ‘Capture the Flag?’

Now I know that there are nerds everywhere, but over ten million of them? Try going outside and get introduced to that big, round, bright thing in the sky called the sun.



While you’re out, actually talk to another human being – that is, not through a headset to some 45-year old fat man in Holland. I could go on forever on this subject, but the social-retards playing this game won’t be reading this anyways. You know, not with Level 40 Tauren’s from the Horde race looking to kill your gang of Night Elves in an attempt to overthrow your Alliance (Yes, I had to look that up).

3. Lakers Fans
Quickly – name three players on the Lakers not named Kobe Bryant? I bet you had a hard time, didn’t you? I bet you also cheered for the Clippers when the Lakers were sucking more than a Tijuana hooker.

I would say all of you jumped on the bandwagon, then again, you would simply point to your number ‘8’ tattoo you got 7 years ago when the Lakers were finally good again. Too bad Kobe changed his number to ‘24’ and now the only thing your tattoo represents is the number of times you’ve been arrested.



4. Cool Ranch Doritos
Why? I don’t know.

5. Girls Sitting at the Bar Who Complain When Guys Hit on Them
Hey ladies, here’s a tip for ya – If you plan on sitting at a bar, prepare for guys to hit on you. To be honest, we probably do not find you that cute, we just want to get laid. So hold your ego in check and stop giving your friend that ‘ugh’ look when a guy talks to you.

If you do not want to be hit on, wait for a booth in the back of the restaurant where the light is low and your ‘back fat’ doesn’t show as prominently.

Plus, you are not fooling anyone.

The push-up bra and low-cut shirt to expose your barely a B-cup boobs certainly does not scream ‘respect me as a woman.’ You got all dolled up for a reason and it usually ends with your ankles behind your head. Again, you’re not that hot. It’s just that guys are like wolves – we must pounce on the first fresh meat we see in order to get fed.

If we wait for a tastier, better looking treat, the other wolves will rush in and take away our meal.

Okay, I am done ranting. Sorry. Look for me next time as I’ll be at the bar drinking, eating Cool Ranch Doritos, talking to random girls, watching the Lakers game, playing World of Warcraft on my laptop, and searching online for Hannah Montana tickets.

See you at the bar!

By Bustamante - therealbustamante@hotmail.com

Hooray for explosions!

As you all know, we recently shot down a satellite that was falling back down to Earth.



Wait a second, I thought there wasn’t any gravity in space, right? That’s why it’s called space!

Trust me, I’m thinking the exact same thing: Why did we really shoot down that satellite?!

The official report was that the satellite had toxic fuel that could be harmful if humans encountered it.

Since when do we care about a little ocean pollution?

What are we covering up?

What was truly on that satellite?

I think I know!

Or at least I’ve narrowed it down to what it most likely was hiding:

1. Research done by New England Patriots – As any football fan knows, the New England Patriots are cheaters. And like all American cheaters, they prospered.

It seems highly coincidental to me that the Patriots (hint, hint) started doing well once the Iraq War began. An obvious sub conscious move to have the “Patriots” doing well at a time of war.

Also, Tom Brady was an invited guest at the 2004 State of the Union address.



It’s plain to me that the government was using spy satellite technology to help them spy on other teams, thus giving them an unfair advantage. Unfortunately, the proof was in the satellite.

2. The “really” dirty pictures from Google Earth – There’s some pretty crazy stuff going on in the US. All you need to discover it is a few hours and some quality time with Google Earth.

It's no secret that they want to protect us from ourselves... if people are boinking up on rooftops and in concealed (except from above) alleyways, I want to see it!

3. All those damn Wii’s – Our economy is about one thing: supply and demand. No supply… the prices go up. We’re supposed to believe that after a year of them being out, that Nintendo can’t stock the damn shelves with new Wii’s?



I don’t buy it. Looks like I'm not the only one.

Nintendo is ripping us off by hiding all those Wii’s in space!

4. Ron Paul’s Votes – Here’s what I don’t get? Ron Paul raises more money than any other candidate, has this huge young person support thing going, and can’t muster more than 5% of the vote?

Doesn’t sound right to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not endorsing the guy, but I do endorse conspiracy and democracy, so I’m wondering where all his votes went?

My guess is that they were hidden up there in that satellite safe from everyone… except for hackers, who make up most of his fan base.

It was only a matter of time before someone found those votes. No wonder it was shot down. Wouldn’t surprise me if McCain was behind it.

5. ET Games – Ah yes, the old Atari 2600 ET game. The biggest flop in video game history. I remember (which surprises me) getting so high with… shoot, I don’t remember with who now… and playing the new ET game for Atari.



That game sucked worse than a Dead concert with no LSD.

In response, Atari supposedly buried the games in the desert.

Nice try. They sent those bastard wastes of plastic where they belonged… in outer “phone home” space.

When word got out that the satellite containing all those games was on its way back down, Atari had to act fast to keep any evidence of their colossal failure off this planet.

6. Jimmy Hoffa – Anytime there’s a conspiracy, I always think of Jimmy Hoffa. On that rule alone, it wouldn’t surprise me if he was piloting that satellite and decided to come home to pick up a royalty check from his movie.



The government couldn’t stand for this, and did what they’d been trying to do for decades… they shot him down.

Isn’t it obvious!

- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.

By The Schmooz - theschmooz@hotmail.com Hey there, tiptoes and tulips! It’s time for another edition of “In Defense Of…”, a forum in which I, your old buddy Schmooz, make a case for an artist or music group that many people have written off as irrelevant or a joke. I picked Michael Mcdonald today because he’s a polarizing figure. Half of you saw the title of this post and thought to yourselves, “Who?” and the other half only know this guy from the utter hatred of his music expressed by the characters in The Forty-Year Old Virgin. A lot of folks lump Michael McDonald and Michael Bolton into the same musical ghetto, ya dig? Blond-haired, blue-eyed guys trying making a joke out of R and B, they claim. And that ain’t right. Because, if any of my loyal readers know, Michael Bolton is a stone cold phony. Many a respectable R and B group have been ruined by his actions. Michael McDonald, on the other hand, is a really fun, goofy, music-loving guy. Maybe it’s the fact that he cut his teeth as an accomplished back up singer, but the man has no ego whatsoever. He just sings well. Let me tell ya a story: It was 1982, and Michael just scored some big success with his first record apart from the Doobie Brothers. Any other cat would’ve turned on his friends, put on some airs, and tried to make themselves feel like a million dollars. Not Michael McDonald. For him, having his buddies over for Monday night poker was all that mattered. One night, I started teasing him a bit, and we entertained our friends that evening. I made up some really wacked-out songs, and he sang back-up on them. Stuff like: “I’m so sad, baby momma, because your french teacher looks better than you do” Gotta parle vous my way into her heart Or “Nobody told me about the twenty-sixth amendment” If you’re eighteen and up, you gotta right to vote your way Seriously – you imagine Michael Bolton poking fun at himself like this? I don’t think so. And with that, here’s a few other reasons why you should give Michael McDonald another shot back into your earspace: 1) Ride like the Wind (background vocals) - I’ll be the first cat to say that Christopher Cross is not everyone’s cup of tea (hell, he could even be a future “In Defense of…” post in his own right) But, if you want to see the man who earned Christopher Cross his Grammy, just listen to Michael McDonald at work. He makes this song sound much cooler than it is, just by nature of his chops. 2) What a Fool Believes - Here’s the very moment where McDonald takes the Doobie Brothers to another level. There is so much power and range in this little number. Just listen to it, and let it weave a spell over you. 3) I Keep Forgettin’ (Every Time You’re Near) - Here’s a tip, dear readers: If rap samples an R and B song, that means it’s a fantastic song. McDonald sang this with his sister on his first album after he left the Doobie Brothers, and you can feel the pain and desperation in his heart. 4) Eyes of a Child - This is a perfect song to sum up how cool and funny McDonald can truly be. Trey Parker wrote this song for the South Park movie, and McDonald agreed to sing it. It’s a perfect send-up of his sonorous, passionate tone, and reminds all of us soul singers that every once in a while we can make people laugh as well as make them wet. Any other reasons you have to defend Michael McDonald? Leave a comment! THE SCHMOOZ - Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.

By Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com Hey. My court-appointed therapist had been threatening to sue me if I didn’t return her fish tank, so I decided, as a gesture of goodwill, to scrub out the blood and bring it back to her. Still, she flipped out when she found her seahorses playing with a jawbone I accidentally left inside. If you ask me, people with a low tolerance for stress shouldn’t listen to the crazies for a living, but what do I know? So, as “punishment,” I’m supposed to come up with a list of five terrible things I wish I hadn’t done, as a way to show myself how disgusted I am with my own behavior, or something. If she thinks this fish tank thing is gonna make the list, she can fucking eat me. Look, I needed a place to stash and part out a midget some of my old mafia buddies paid to put me away. Sucker forgot one cardinal rule: People who don’t talk can hear everything. By the time he broke into my apartment and stepped inside, my plastic bag was already around his squat little neck; his frightened little body convulsing and splashing his wastes all over my plants. In short, the whole fish tank affair was survival. Sure, I made a few bucks selling his organs, but I wouldn’t have killed him unless I needed to, okay? Okay. Here’s the stuff, the really terrible stuff, I do wish I could take back. Read it at your own risk: 1)I regret making Kurt Cobain feel like he was a wimp for thinking about giving up drugs, and for threatening to throw Dave Grohl out of a window if he tried to get Kurt to quit. 2)I regret not getting to meet my parents and thanking them for the orphanage years by dragging them by their necks through four miles of broken bottles and dousing them with lemon juice. 3) I regret not having sex with Bea Arthur, when I had the chance. It was back in Paris, when I was studying and working on my craft, and she was in town doing some promotional tours for a tv show, or some crap. She had a thing for mimes, and I know she wanted it. But I didn’t want anything to get in the way of my work, so I politely declined. 4) I regret not doing my research and mixing up the ingredients to make home-made formaldehyde. I ended up blowing up the house where I was staying as well as the entire city block, including an elementary school. I really should have died that day, but I landed in a tree, and only broke my arms. 5) I regret not being kinder to Stephany. So far, I’ve framed her for transporting black market human organs through the mail, mailed her valentine’s cards dripping with neurotoxins, pretended to be a publisher for the New York Times and coerced her into having phone sex, and hired a voodoo priestess to smear chicken blood over her SUV, for starters. And you know what? I should be nicer to this cracked-out woman. I should just go over to her house, have a cup of tea with her, and just grab her by her ankles and swing her around her home until she goes limp. Really, death’s the kindest thing I could do for her. Any regrets you’ve been harboring? Leave it with a comment, ya lurkers! LINUS - Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

FROM THE EDITOR: For those of our readers who follow the news, you know that the top story today is Fidel Castro stepping down as leader of Cuba. For those with no idea, please read all about it here. I thought it appropriate to run our second most popular article of all-time; a very funny... and very true investigative report by Bustamante about the many funny ways the US tried to "whack" 'ol Fidel. Don't worry, Linus... you'll be up tomorrow. No need to remove my kidneys. - Tonto Balboa By Bustamante - therealbustamante@hotmail.com Here’s a little known fact: Fidel Castro was a decent athlete and even had a tryout to pitch in the major leagues. However, his curve ball didn’t break hard enough and he went back to Cuba a defeated man with plans of global domination. Of course, this didn’t sit well with the U.S., so they tried to off the would be hurler. They tried… And tried… And tried… And tried… And tried… Beginning in 1960, the US tried to catch Castro slipping, so to speak…and it’s been the Keystone Cops ever since. 10. Hair Removing Shoes – If you’re not gonna kill someone, you may as well kill their pride. That’s what the CIA figured when they tossed around the notion of lacing Castro’s shoes with a powder that would make all of his hair fall out. The prized manly beard. The famed Latino chest hair. Even the pubes. All gone. Surely the Cuban people would lose all faith in him and rise up, right? Why it failed: Lex Luthor had no body hair and even Superman had problems with him. Plus…hair grows back. 9. Wet Suit – The waters off Cuba are perfect for scuba all year round. As supreme ruler, Castro took full advantage of the vast ocean, reefs, and whatever else that surrounds Cuba. The CIA had developed a wetsuit that was an ideal gift for Castro: the respirator was treated with (not for) tuberculosis and the rest of the suit was outfitted with madura foot spores. Am American lawyer negotiating for the Bay of Pigs prisoners to be released was to give the suit, which just happened to be the right size, to Casto as a goodwill gesture. Why it failed: A diplomat gave Castro an uncontaminated suit. Party-pooper. I guess he figured “murder” wasn’t the best negotiating strategy. 8. Shellfish – The CIA is not known to give up easy, and if Castro wouldn’t wear a contaminated suit, then dammit, go back to the drawing board. Since Castro likes to dive (maybe not so much anymore), why not put an exploding conch shell at the bottom of the sea? That was one of the plans kicked around by the CIA. Why it failed: Because it’s fucking stupid. 7. Trick Cigars – Remember what would happen whenever Larry, Moe, Curly, and even Shemp would smoke a stogie? Three points for you if you guessed, “blow the hell up!” Castro is always seen smoking fine cigars (Cubans probably), so why not use that fact to an advantage, right? On a scheduled trip to New York, the plan was to get the tainted wrapped tobacco into Castro’s mouth. Obviously, it didn’t work. Why it failed: Special CIA agent Bugs Bunny, who was MIA for year after not taking a left turn in "Albukoikee," was unavailable to work the job. Too bad, as he had a much better track record with exploding cigars. Just ask Elmer Fudd. 6. Ask an Author – According to rumor, JFK had informally talked with 007 author, Ian Fleming, on possible suggestions to oust Castro. Why it failed: They couldn’t even pull off trick cigars, it’s not like they were going to pull off going all “Moonraker” on Cuba’s ass. 5. Coffee – In yet another attempt to play with poison, the CIA developed pills that would not only dissolve in coffee, but also contained botulinum, one of the most powerful toxins on the planet. After offing some primates with it, the plan looked ready to rock and roll. Why it failed: One guy from Castro’s inner circle who was to deliver the poison got his pink slip…while another attempt was halted because Castro stopped frequenting a favorite restaurant of his. They must have changed the menu… 4. LSD – Take a moment to imagine the footage – There he is, Fidel Castro, standing high on the stump addressing his countrymen, exposing the wonders of communism when he suddenly…sees Puff The Magic Dragon emerge from the sky ridden by a tough talking giraffe with an Italian accent? That was the plan. Maybe not the magic dragon part, but the CIA wanted to lace Castro’s Havana studio with some uber powerful LSD in hopes that Castro would go dinosaur-shit crazy live and prove that he was the ultimate not ready for primetime player. Why it failed: If people bought communism, who’s to say they won’t buy a man going nuts in the midst of having a conversation with the cosmos? 3. The Mafia – The CIA finally figured they’d stop dicking around and call on the pros when it came to hired killing, the good ‘ol mob. The mob was plenty pissed for Castro for ousting them from their money making Cuban casinos when he took power, and if there’s one thing you don’t do to the mafia, it’s take their cash. Why it failed: It seems like a match made in heaven with the hopes to send someone to hell: organized crime and the CIA…tell you what, go mix oil and water and see what happens. 2. Jesus Christ – When all else fails, call in the big guns, right? Well, who’s bigger than the King of Kings? And we know that the dude will bring the noise when he shows up again. The plan was to ignite the fire of revolution under the butts of the staunch Catholic Cubans. How? By convincing them that the Second Coming’s first stop on his 1960 world tour was the Cuban shores to take on the numero uno anti-Christ himself, Castro. Why it failed: Christians want the Second Coming! Bring it on! Alas, the hopes of them rising up to overthrow Castro on their own were thwarted by common sense. 1. Ball Point Pen - Not as sexy or compelling as drugs, bombs, or Jesus, a trick pen will work nonetheless. Or at least it should. That was the plan when a CIA went undercover as a “Senator” to meet with a disgruntled Cuban military leader and promised to provide him with a poison pen that would surely, and finally, do the job after a quick stab in the neck. The operative assured the military leader that the US would back the coup that would surely follow. Why it failed: JFK began to make subtle attempts to contact Castro to smooth things out under the lame-ass, pussified label of diplomacy. Kennedy got shot two months later. Just saying… Most Recent: Trip wire. This was the closest the US has ever come to defeating the evil Castro. Sometimes the oldest tricks in the book are the best… If only Castro had a better windup and delivery, this all could have been avoided. Click here to leave a comment. - Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.

By Bustamante - therealbustamante@hotmail.com

Happy President’s Day!

I bet you know all there is know about our US Presidents, right?

Here’s some intriguing facts that I’m willing to bet that you don’t know about the men who ruled our country!

Teddy Roosevelt – First masked Luchador. It’s been said that Teddy was a glutton for attention and loved being a larger than life persona performing in front of a crowd. He was a known world traveler, and in fact, on a particular passage through Mexico en route to Panama, he stumbled upon a small arena and was caught up in the spectacle of professional wrestling.

Teddy, as we know and love him:


Soon thereafter, Roosevelt developed the masked persona, “El Americano de Moustachio” and would wow crowds and overwhelm opponents with feats of athletic superiority.

The real Roosevelt:


Local crowds roared the loudest, when he would take on multiple opponents at once and still vanquishing them with help from his “grande sticko” 2x4.

William McKinley – Chronic masturbator. He own the record for most handshakes in one hour: approximately 2,500. He is also known for being fairly frail, and had he been in better health, he is thought to have been able to recover from the wounds that killed him.

So let’s see… and otherwise weak person, yet has the forearm endurance to go for an hour straight with multiple partners?



Oh yeah, he definitely exercised his chief executive.

Warren Harding – Aspired to be in the mafia. It’s amazing how, in the recent past, a last name could really be crippling to one’s true desires. In Harding’s case, the lure of the mafia was strong, but alas, without a vowel at the end of his name, there was nothing he could do about it.

Harding always had a taste for the underbelly of society. As President, he relished in playing poker several times a week, and was also known to follow boxing and baseball.



In true Mafioso behavior, he also snuck off to burlesque shows at night, while serving as President.

James K. Polk – Invented holistic medicine. In the age before anesthesia and antiseptics, President Polk survived a gallstone operation at the age of 17!

How?

Breathing techniques and exotic herbs.



In my experience with holistic medicine, I found that copius amounts of alcohol and narcotics provide a healthy catalyst for said effectiveness of any holistic treatment.

William Howard Taft – Skilled Stage Magician. In the early 20th century there were only two professions available for a fat guy: Vaudeville and politics. Initally, Taft chose the former.



He was a talented magician known for feats of great escape (this carried over to his famed “stuck in a tub” bit he performed he later performed at the White House).

Unfortunately for Taft, there was another fat performer on the Vaudeville circuit who became the most successful fat man of his day: Fatty Arbuckle.



Arbuckle became the premier obese performer of his day… Taft, with career prospects at an all-time low, turned to politics.

The rest is history.

Click here to leave a comment!

- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.

By Stephany Ericson - stephany.ericson@hotmail.com

For many of you today, the soreness is unbearable.

Shall we be frank? Last night was Valentine’s Day.

You either got too much of what you thought you wanted… or you realized that your current relationship is not one that you adore.

And so… either way you are in pain; some of you with a contented smile on your face, others with the beginnings of a smoldering rage that will one day render you a screaming, spitting hater.

Or a mime (Linus sent me an “anonymous” Valentine: A picture of male genitalia. With white face makeup on it).

Since very few of you have the capacity to maintain a long lasting loving, or at least sexually satisfying coupling I will list for you here some strategies that will allow you to be happily celibate for years.

You don’t need anyone.



Celebrate YOU!

Extrapolate!

This awesome concept,for example, taking a vision of a seedling… and imagining it becoming a wonderful, mighty TREE in full bloom years from now... is extrapolation.

You can use this concept to clearly see that the person you are with now… or are thinking about being with... is just not worth the effort.

If you have met and are ready to go on a date with someone you have encountered through an online dating service, even though they have stated in their profile some warning signs that I have previously written on… use extrapolation to see where the relationship will most probably go (i.e. if you arrive for the date at a pre-determined meeting place, and your date is on his cell phone. Crying in public.

This most likely will, in years to come, be an issue of insurmountable proportion. He will soon expand his crying to other situations: “I don’t know if I should have broccoli or asparagus! Waaahhhh”

Even though you know he will have a double helping of both… while taking calls from his “artist friends.”

When you were in school, did you like being 4th place? If so, continue going out with this loser.

If not… be celibate and celebrate YOU!

Say Cheese!

Most new couples have an air of unbridled confidence about how their love will last and last. Even so, they take lots of pictures to capture memories.

Often they will very publicly display these pictures in an effort to show the world “I AM IN LOVE!!!”

This is all very heartwarming and gives the casual observer a feeling of happiness.

On the other hand, if you are with a new romantic interest and he refuses to be captured in a photo with you, or turns his face when you attempt to give him a friendly kiss… but still wants you to come to his home late on a work night, this might be strong evidence that he wants only one thing from you.

Best to be thinking about celebrating YOU in this scenario. But before you do, you can always use the key to his home that you secretly made… to gain entrance to his home while he is at work.

While clandestinely inside you can rig a timer, which you can successfully attach to a hidden camera in the bedroom. With some cunning you can capture several pictures of him falling asleep during what was a passionate love making session for your self.



Need you any more reason to celebrate?

Anything you can do…

Lastly, one needs only look at the vast and varied skills and experiences one has acquired over one’s life when meeting and sizing up a new love interest. A lasting love will only occur with someone with whom you can admire and respect.

Has he written any books?

Has he read any books?

Can he even spell at 4th grade level with some semblance of consistency?

Does he have even one pair of exercise shoes?

Are they still in the box?

Look in the mirror at your svelte figure. Look on the walls at the certificates and diplomas you have. Look at your own self image held deep in your psyche. Does he deserve to be with this person?

Of course not.

Love is over-rated and can easily be replaced by Guitar Hero and LOST re-runs.

Time to Celebrate!



- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children's books (“The Low Down,” “Eat this for a Quarter,” and “Daddy has Stubble in Funny Places”). Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

By The Schmooz - theschmooz@hotmail.com Hey there, character assassins and good-time gals! Today’s a pretty big day. All across the world, love is percolating like dark, sensual coffee. You can see the hope and anticipation welling in the eyes of all who dream. It’s the perfect day to lay it on the line, to tell someone how much they make your bones ache, and make it clear to them your fervent wish to scoop them into your arms and scratch the itch on their wondrous cervix. With all that pressure, people are bound to make mistakes. They may hurt the very people they love. Turn lifelong friends into enemies. Act with cruelty and malice unseen in their basic character. Why, you ask? Because love is a scary, scary feeling, dear readers. It takes a lot of bravery and strength to keep a cool head and freshly scented loins, you dig? Let’s hop in the way-back machine and take a look at several cruel moments throughout the Valentine’s Days of yesteryear, and examine the root cause of these horrendous acts, so that we may learn how to temper these overwhelming feelings that love brings. 1) The Valentine’s Day Massacre - Most of you know what happened that fateful day in Chicago: Al Capone ordered a hit on the Moran gang, and wanted to hit them so hard they wouldn’t try to double-cross him again. Capone’s men dressed up like cops and tricked the Moran gang into thinking it was a routine arrest. Once the Tommy guns started rattling, however, there was no mistake: this was carnage, pure and simple. Seven people were killed. Cause of event: Later in life, Capone was diagnosed with full-blown syphilis. He used to run a brothel when he was making his way up the mafia chain, and no doubt he got his share of dirty loving. My guess is that he took a simple altercation with the Moran gang the wrong way due to the dementia that only syphilis can bring. What you can learn from this: Dear readers, you want loving, you need gloving! Don’t play no games of chance with your favorite organs. Who’s to say that an unprotected quickie in the bathroom of a disco won’t fry your mind twenty years down the road? Stay safe, and wrap your goodies nice and tight! 2) The Pogrom of 1349 – Strasbourg - For my readers not hip to ethnic cleansing, a pogrom is when a riot breaks out against a specific set of peoples. In this case, on February 14th 1349, the German city of Strasbourg went on a killing spree and burnt to death or drove out of the city over two thousand Jews. Cause of event: Plain old fashioned ignorance. The bubonic plague was in full swing, and took a bite of the loving scene in Strasbourg in 1348. As the plague spread, strange theories began to grow, such the persistent and false belief that Jews were poisoning the wells to create the plague. What you can learn from this: Lovers, keep a healthy sense of reason! If you find yourself momentarily upset or bewildered, take a deep breath, light some incense, and whatever you do, leave the Jews alone! 3) President Franklin D. Roosevelt meets with King Ibn Saud of Saudi Arabia - On this day in 1945, FDR sat down with the Saudi Arabian king and first set about US-Saudi relations. Cause of event: In 1938, oil was discovered in Saudi Arabia. FDR wasn’t there to talk about the weather, ya dig? What you can learn from this: Don’t go after lovers just for their wealth, or the flash they can get you. You gotta love your lovers as they are. If you try and trick yourself into thinking you can ignore the horrible things somebody does just because they can score you drugs or cash, you’re a straight-up fool. Got any other Valentine’s day blunders that we can learn from? Leave me a comment! The Schmooz - Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.

By Vans McCoy

I have an announcement.

Drum roll please.

East Coast style circle pit please.

I’m proud to announce that I’ve opened a new section in my video store!

COLD WAR!!! – Yes, the three !’s are part of it. That’s called marketing.

Believe it or not, I’m actually a huge fan of war. That’s why I was so pissed in the 80’s because there was no way I was going to ever get behind Reagan (NEVER), but I’m actually a fan of destruction.

It’s the same part of me that’s a huge FEAR fan (I wonder why Lee Ving’s acting career never took off…).

Anyway, I’ve amassed the best collection of VHS tapes for this new section of my video store. Obviously, you can’t have DVD’s in a section that’s all Cold War. These rentals are all tapes, and just for authenticy, you’ll have to adjust the tracking on your VCR for two minutes, missing the preview for Snake Eater 2. Consider it my gift to you as a loyal customer.

While going through my collection, I pulled out the gems, the best ofs, the atom bombs of the section, and have compiled the best Cold War films ever.

8.) The Experts – Never heard of this one? Good. I’ll be honest, this movie is bad, but watchable in an ironic way. Basically, two dorks, who are supposedly hip, are taken by the KGB to teach people in Nebraska, but really somewhere in Russia, how to be American cool. Of course, the Russians taste freedom and the KGB can’t handle it.

Yeah, it's as lame as it sounds.

Oh yeah, John Travolta is the star of this.

7.) Red Heat – Good Lord, Arnold Schwartzenegger has an amazing place in film history. Never before has an actor so bad continually made movies that are so good. Not like Godfather good… more like, well… Red Heat good.

When Jim Belushi is the American in the Russia/US buddy cop film, you have gold.

6.) Police Academy: Mission to Moscow – Normally this film is listed in the “Only Get Wasted and Watch” section. Before that it was highlighted in the “No really, this movie seriously sucks bad” section. Of course, history has lessened the suckage of this one… not by much. After the Cold War ended, the Russian mob took over a lot of the country. This problem was satirized in this film where the fuck ups of from the Police Academy come over to fight the mob.



You know what… this is going to back to the “No Guttenberg” section, a collection of films that would have been better if Steve Guttenberg was in them – Forrest Gump, The Matrix, Young Guns, etc., part of the store.

5.) Spies Like Us – It’s Russia, but funny. This film was pulled from the “Remember When Chevy Chase Was Funny?” section of the store.



Don’t worry, I still have an extra copy somewhere in the “Dan Ackroyd isn’t Funny By Himself” section.

This was Cold War slapstick comedy at its finest. Perhaps the best of the genre… maybe the only film in the genre, but hey, who’s counting?

4.) Rocky 4 – This is the film that officially ended the Cold War. It’s amazing was a borderline retarded boxer can accomplish… no offense, Tonto.

[EDITOR’s NOTE: Hey, I resemble that remark… wait, what?! – Tonto]

After their legendary battle, Drago was never allowed another US work Visa, for fear of his steroid fueled, Apollo Creed murdering fists, while Rocky was left with brain damage. All in all, consider it a draw. America wins, but really, there’s no winners… just like the real Cold War. Brilliant!

Bonus points are awarded for having the best film soundtrack ever!



3.) UFC VI – OK, dated at 1995, technically this should be in “post Cold War.” Oh well.

Fact is, this is the first time ever where it was USA vs. Russia with no holds barred. The stars of this rental are “The Russian Bear” Oleg Taktarov and David “Tank” Abbott, who both represent their countries with honor and pride in this tape. If you don’t know what UFC is, you’re an idiot…

In Oleg’s first round fight, he submits some Canadian in under a minute. No surprise there – Canada wouldn’t last a minute against Mother Russia.

In Tank’s 1st fight, he sends a 400lb Hawaiian bone breaker into convulsions in 20 seconds.

In the semi-finals, Oleg chokes out another bum in 9 seconds, while Tank destroys another man in under two minutes.

The stage was set for the finals: The hard hitting, hard drinking, beer bellied American versus the cold hearted, crafty, sneaky Russian…

It was a fight for the ages. Almost 20 minutes of nonstop fighting. In the end, Oleg won the fight with a choke… giving Russia a too little, too late win in the last battle of the Cold War.

However, Tank walked out of the cage on his own, while Oleg needed oxygen.

USA gets the last laugh.



2.) Red Dawn – 99% of the time, high schoolers really suck. They hang out, try to steal stuff, and come up with the most uninspired graffiti you’ll ever read – “Eat Shit”? Is that all you got, junior? However, in this movie, the high schoolers are psychos, who staged a resistance in the Colorado wilderness when the Commies invade the US.



Written and directed by war/action/gun nut John Milius, this film shows just how awesome Patrick Swayze could’ve been if he wasn’t such a sissy in real life.

1.) Dr. Strangelove – Here you go, the number one Cold War film ever. I could go on and on like some stupid film hippie explaining in passionate pussy detail about how history repeats itself, or how poignant this is decades later, because I get it.



It’s funny.

- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

By Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com Hey. Let me get this right off my chest and say that I fucking hate the month of February. Hate it, hate it, hate it. It’s still too cold and wet for people to appreciate good mime, much less pay me. People stay indoors more often, which makes it harder to find people to mug. Hookers know chumps get sentimental because of V-day, so rates for goods and services go through the roof. You can’t get a decent Captain Crunch in this town without breaking three digits or more. And, to top it off, we’ve got two stupid holidays that nobody even celebrates any more, unless you’re a discount mattress warehouse: Washington’s birthday and Lincoln’s birthday. In short, it’s a cock slap of a month. T.S Elliot had it wrong – February is the cruelest time of year. Which makes it all the more vicious that somebody decided to take this diseased placenta of days and call it Black History Month. Why not use January to do this? It’s a longer month at least, and you’ve got MLK right in the middle of it. No primaries or guilt-ridden sex to get in the way. Odds are, most people are gonna wake up around mid-March and not even give Black History month a single thought, which is a crime. There’s been a lot of dedicated African-Americans who’ve struggled to make a place in this world, and I’d like to celebrate these heroes today. Below are just a few of the mimes and stone-cold criminals that inspired me: 1) Scottie Davis, founder and Artistic Director of Salt and Pepper Mime Theatre Company - I hate cookie-cutter mime. You know, the kind of performance that looks like a million other stereotypical mime stuff you’ve seen in shitty tee vee shows. Scottie blew me away the first time I saw her work. She came to Paris in the eighties to do a few shows, and pissed off the old guard of mimes in a way that made me proud. Plus, she’s not doing mime work just for the fat cats – a lot of her recent work is for disadvantaged kids. Take it from me – the best mimes are poor, hungry, and able to break into a car in under eight seconds. 2) Frank Lucas - What’s not to love about Frank? He knew the best way to make a profit was to cut out the middleman. It’s the same way I made my money with selling organs. Plus, extra points for style go to him for using the coffins of dead American soldiers to smuggle heroin. 3) Charles Lane - Go see Sidewalk Stories today. Lane out-Chaplins Charlie Chaplin in this film. It’s a black and white, almost completely silent film, and Lane is kicking ass and taking names with his mime work. 4)Nicky Barnes - Your typical American folk hero. Rumor has it “Bad, Bad Leroy Brown” is written about him. He was smooth, he was slick. And, once his associates stole his money in prison and starting sleeping with his wife, he went Witness Protection like I did. I’d like to think he used his free time back in the open air to remove a few important body parts from those who betrayed him. Any other influential African-American mimes/criminals you know about? Email me! LINUS - Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

By Bustamante

Strike!

No, not the 1925 classic of silent cinema by Sergei Eisenstein. I’m talking the writers, and how it’s affecting our television. Rights schmights, I want my TV back yet. Since these writers have been picketing, and all that’s left are stupid reruns, I had to resort to reading a book. I did a back-to-back three-month read of the Sound and the Fury and Ulysses.

Granted, I'm far better off for having read the two, but there's no one at the country club who's read those. All they talk about is strike this, TV that, blah, blah, blah...

I got to thinking, “how would our favorite shows look with no writers?” Well, it’s pretty scary actually. Through some thorough research, I figured out what was planned for some TV’s biggest shows without the writers.

LOST – They actually explain what is going on with this show.



Crazy numbers? Done. Four-toed statues? Easy. Pirate ships hanging up in the damn jungle? As if you didn’t know. Flashbacks, and now Flash Forwards? All your burning answers are given in easy to understand, dumb-dumb doses of exposition. Only problem is, now the show is boring as hell.

Sopranos – HBO has always been ahead of the curve on the television front. Their shows are cutting edge and have set the tone for dozens of pale imitations. Turns our, they’re also on the forefront of current events. It’s clear that HBO writers went on strike waaaaaay before the rest of the writers. Proof: uh, duh, the final episode with no ending. Clearly, a non-striking writer would give America closure by letting us know if the guy who went in the bathroom kills Tony or not.

CSI: America’s Safest Cities - No writers. No crime. Cops just sort of hanging out, giving tickets to skateboarders, harassing the homeless, and taking long lunches at Mexican restaurants.

Prison Break – Well, when you have show set in prison and no stories… I guess it’s Amnesty for everyone. Prison over crowding become an all-too real issue for inmates, so the governor just lets them all go. Sean Hannity has a field day with this one.



24 – In his most treacherous day yet, Jack Bauer suffers from a meal he ate last night from the 24 hour Thai joint across the street. He spends he day (and season) going back and forth from the bathroom and trying to play career mode on Madden ’08.

House – A patient comes in with a runny nose, it’s diagnosed as the flu. They prescribe an antibiotic… there you go. A lady comes in with a broken arm. They set the arm. Put on a cast. All better. In the meantime, House tries to play mind games with his staff by hiding paper clips in random places. The staff finds them with ease and learns nothing.

The Office – No more witty repartee. It truly becomes like a real office.



You hate everyone. You realize how underpaid you are. There’s no attractive people around. You bum around on the Internet. The boss is never there. Jim, Pam, Dwight, and the gang waste their lives by figuring out new ways to burrow into their cubicles and disconnect for 8 hours a day. Their souls die with a whimper.

American Gladiators – Hello, America. Welcome to your future. Hulk Hogan is hosting a “competition,” so we know that this show has a gaggle of writers attached to it. Pretty soon, they will have to resort to actual athletic competition… which will spell doom for that show.

That, and a worldwide shortage of HGH.

- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.

By The Schmooz - theschmooz@hotmail.com Hey there, delegates and dead heats! Love is like a snake in the grass; you never know when it will strike, and how many people it will snare with its uncompromising fangs. Take me, for instance, dear readers. A man who has tasted beauty on every continent. A disciple of the tasty tarantella of coitus. Never a dry spell for me. But there was this new woman that made your pal Schmooz sing praises to the parents who made their lover’s dance and brought her to creation. A dark-haired Russian jewel, with eyes as wide and dangerous as an untamed river. A pianist by trade, she offered succor with each nimble stroke of her long, pale fingers pressing gently atop the keys. But she was betrothed to wed in less than five months, ya dig? And to a fellow whom she loved deeply and who loved her back with just as much devotion and passion. If this was some garden-variety crush, I’d just shake it off and be sipping martinis with a menagerie of nubile young women in a moment’s notice. But this was passion that had no end, eros that could only be quelled by tasting the fire housed within her loins. And desperate feelings call for desperate measures. It is times like these that force you to put all your creative energies to work in order to win the affection of a taken lover. Read my sage and time-tested advice on how to make your desires a reality, and take care! Warnig: Don’t do it - You want to stick your fingers in the cookie jar without getting in trouble, son? Think again. The goal here is to make the person you want to love open to the idea of sharing her love with you. Stealing her love just for yourself is out of the question. If you’re even thinking about less than honorable means to remove the object of your love’s affection out of their lives just to claim her love as yours and yours alone, then stop reading. You want your lover and her beloved to accept you into their lives, with no secrets. That type of trust won’t be earned overnight. If you’ve read my warning above and still want to earn a place at love’s door, then this is what you need to do: 1) Make friends with your lover’s significant other - This involves a bit of trickery at first, as you have to “accidentally” meet up with them at their favorite bar, or out in public. Get real close, and give them a shoulder to cry on when they’re feeling blue. 2) Find someone amazing who would be perfect for your lover’s paramour - I knew my Russian minx’s fiancé loved ballet, so I introduced him to a ballet dancer friend of mine who was flexible in all the right places. 3) Allow your new friend to accept an open relationship into his life - After a month or so of my ballet friend’s continuous advances, the fiancé was at the end of his rope. He poured his heart out to me, and then I assured him that he had to talk with his love about expanding the dynamic of their relationship to allow each other the chance to love one another as well as other people. I also gave him a copy of The Ethical Slut, which is akin to giving a high school kid a copy of The Catcher in the Rye – the right book at the right time that will blow them away. 4) Deepen your friendship with the person you love - As my Russian princess adjusted to life within an open relationship, I was there to answer any questions she had about the process, as she knew it was the life the Schmooz also led. At this point, I was clear not to come on strong, just to be her companion, and listen when she had something to say. 5) Enjoy the ride - Eventually, my ravishing Russian beauty pounced on me in the middle of a museum and the rest was glorious, sticky delight! Those two crazy kids are better than ever, and they each know about the people who make their spirits sing! Any other ideas on how to love while your lover loves another? Email me! THE SCHMOOZ - Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.

[EDITOR's NOTE: With Valentine's Day right around the corner, I thought this would be a good time to make sure our readers are fully prepared to head into this most desperate dating time. Who better to instruct than Linus? I know, I can think of a dozen other people too... but hey, they're not on my payroll. - Tonto] By Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com Hey. It’s been the start of a pretty good week for me. Seems like a couple of odd jobs paid off, and I’ve got some cash burning a hole in my pocket. Time for wine, women, and song. But, since I’ve taken a vow of silence (being a mime and all), that leaves the women and wine. I’ll cover my thoughts on alcohol later this week, but for now, let’s talk about women. Anyone who frequents enough women as I do eventually runs into the age-old question: how can you tell if your date is a man? It took me decades of trial and error to develop these helpful tips that I’m about to disclose to you, so please, take them to heart, or prepare to make love to one determined “lady.” 1)Check their hands. Men, by nature have a slightly longer ring finger than their index finger. With women, these digits are almost identical. If you’re at dinner with your date, or at a motel, just be firm and press their hand down on a flat surface to measure. If they ask why, mumble some garbage about reverse palm reading. Or, hell, don’t explain yourself – women like mysterious men. 2)The Adam’s apple. If you’re in the back alley of some Pad Thai restaurant with your date, and she’s sporting enough girth in that region to resemble Clint Eastwood, she’s most likely a man. At that point, double check the region with your hands, but do not choke her. It looks too messy in court if you do. Here's an example: 3)Tickle her. If you make your lady laugh over the course of your date, or scare the holy shit out of her, you’re gonna hear her voice in its natural state. That should give you enough clues as to whether she’s a cinch to sing soprano or baritone/bass. If you’re more into the scare tactics, I recommend crouching in the dark while your date waits for you at the Greyhound bus station, then jumping out with a pair of lit sparklers ( what – it’s classy!!) 4)See how accurate she pees. This will require you to get your date very, very drunk first, obviously. Unless you’ve hit the jackpot and found some lucky girl who will drop trou to urinate at the drop of a hat. Once intoxicated, head over to somewhere nice, like the rending plant, and play a game to see who can pee on the most rats. If she’s hitting those targets like ducks in a barrel, she’s all man. 5)Look at her handwriting. In the middle of your date, whip out some colored pencils and have a ball making ransom notes with her. Then, look at how she writes. Are her “t’s” rounded at the end? Are her vowels full and rounded? Does she never lift her pencil off the page, except for making “t’s”? If not, then she’s most likely a dude. 6)Look at her clothes. This one is trickier, and not as accurate as the rest, but it’s a good guide if you’re in a hurry, and your date charges by the half-hour. Women love to wear clothing with unnecessary pockets. If you see a small, square pocket on her shirt, and rummage through it to find bus fare, the odds are that she is no lady. Do any of you have other ideas? Let me know, and I’ll pretend that I care. LINUS Click here to leave a comment for Linus. - Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

By Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com

Hey.

So, in another moment of important media coverage, some overgrown rat saw his shadow and now we’re stuck with six more weeks of winter.

Seriously.

We’re taking weather tips from a groundhog?

And not just any groundhog – apparently this groundhog is over 121 years old and legend has it he stays young by drinking a magical elixir every summer that grants him seven more years of life.



I’ve heard drunken ramblings from Stephany that make more sense than that.

Look, it’s called the vernal equinox, people.

On that date, and that date alone, Winter ends, and Spring begins. I’m not a big fan of Winter myself, what with having to do mime work in the miserable elements. The cold doesn’t bring out the generosity in tourists, either.

Plus, people tend to clutch their valuables more tightly in cold weather, and I have to exert more energy just to steal an iPhone from somebody.

But just because I hate the season, I’m not about to drop about sixty IQ points and start praying for a walking toupee to predict warm weather.

And, now that we have weather satellites and the internet, it’s pretty fucking sad to make this rodent put on a show for all the dim-witted Pennsylvanians every second of February.

With that in mind, allow me to present some updated external predictors based on some of the writing staff at Tonto and Friends.

These predictors promise to be at least as accurate as good old Punxsutawney Phil, and a lot more fun, too!

1)Tonto Balboa: Every New Year’s Eve, Tonto gets sloppy on apple martinis and drunk dials boxing promoter Don King to beg him to be booked for a fight.

If Tonto receives Don King’s voice mail, the price of oil will increase the upcoming year. If Don King picks up the phone and either curses at or hangs up on Tonto, expect oil prices to fluctuate without warning. If Don King decides to book Tonto for a fight, expect gas to be federally funded by the state and given out for free on every street corner.

[EDITOR's NOTE: Look for gas prices to increase then. I got the voicemail three times, does that make it worse? - Tonto]

2)Bustamante: On Earth Day, Bustamonte rolls a joint made with three parts of Californian weed, and one part of his late father’s cremated ashes.

When he smokes it, if he is overcome by the urge to run naked through the tennis courts of the country club where he works, expect horoscopes to contain the same bland, inoffensive crap they always possess. If he decides to build a life-size replica of the Pyramid of Cheops out of tennis balls, future horoscopes will develop an eighty percent accuracy rate.

If he decides to cut his hair and obtain his MBA at Harvard, horoscopes will now contain detailed information on the exact day and means by which you will die.

3)Slocomb Jones: On Labor Day, Slocumb urinates against the side of a Greyhound bus station.

If the puddle of piss is in the shape of a kidney, Christmas holiday sales will start promptly the day after Thanksgiving. If the piss puddle is in the shape of South America, expect to hear about shopping discounts on the first of November.

And, if the color of the piss is bright green, stores will throw out Halloween sales and start calling them “Christmas–Part One” sales.

4)Stephany: Every St. Patrick’s Day, Stephany decides to try to play with the grown-ups and submit a post on the website.

If the post is barely legible and appears to be written in crayon, expect hurricanes to occur in the Gulf Coast. If the post can be read, and contains no less than seven typos or grammatical errors, expect only Florida and Mississippi to be hit by hurricanes.

If the post actually has some literary value to it, only one hurricane will occur that year, a large, monstrous wall of water known as “Hurricane Peligroso”

Any other ways to predict events that you know about? Email me!

LINUS

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

By Tonto Balboa

Anyone remember when you needed an imagination to play video games?

Back when they gave you some characters, situations, a goal, and that’s it.

The details were up to you and your imagination.

One such game is Pro Wrestling for the NES.



It’s simple. Colorful. Awesome.

Here’s why:

Hypercolor technology – When a crowd goes ape shit for a fight, they normally make lots of noise and scream insults. Take it from me, I’ve fought in front of a lot of crowds and have been hit hard enough to… well, one time I thought I was on Broadway staring in a production of Oklahoma with Burt Reynolds. In reality, the ref was at 7 and I was face up with a minute left in the 8th round.

Point is, I’ve seen a lot of crazy things in a fight venue. But I’ve never seen the crowd change colors. Yet, in Pro Wrestling, they’re wearing steroid fueled hypercolor t-shirts!

Mongolian Chop – As we all know, Kin Corn Karn, has one of the deadliest moves this side of the back brain kick: the Mongolian Chop. Like all deadly martial arts techniques, it’s really hard to pull off. In a match, Karn would leap up in the air and if his opponent was still standing there…. KA-BAM!!!

Selecting Karn is like picking Zangief in Street Fighter…



You’re going to get your ass thumped for the first $20 of your fight career, but once you master those moves, you’re unbeatable.

Example: Once you also mastered his “Karate Kick” you could literally re-arrange the face of your opponent.



You fight actual Monsters – Professional Wrestling is filled with gimmicks and masked men, but in Pro Wrestling, you actually have to fight real monsters!

The first monster you face is The Amazon.



Now, I know what you’re going to say: “Duh, he was a masked wrestler, ala Star Man.”

Nope. Look at the proof.
- His mouth is way too huge.
- The mask is too realistic for 8 bit graphics
- He has Red Claws
- The Ref never disqualifies him for fear of an uncontrollable revenge mauling.



The second monster you face is the V.W.A. Champ, The Great Puma. How do I know he’s a monster… um, do you know anyone else who can take a dozen pile drivers to the concrete floor and get up wanting more?

Ric Flair couldn’t do that. And he’s the best ever!



Pretend Japanese People – Back in the 80’s, you earned mucho, mucho street cred if you were a Japanese Wrestler. This phenomenon is no more apparent than is the case of Vinne Samboni, aka “Fighter Hayabusa.” This guy was straight out of the Bronx, complete with Jay Leno butt-chin, and he still had the guts to say he was from Japan.



He also took full advantage of the martial arts, like K.C.K., to develop a realistic finishing move called the Back Brain Kick, where he would magically appear floating in mid air to kick someone in the back of the head. They don’t teach that move in Brooklyn.

There you have it: They sure don’t make video games like they used to. Pro Wrestling is reminder of a simpler time in video game world. Take some monsters, some badass karate moves, disguise up an out of work New York wrestler, invest in the hot fashion technology of the time, toss in some imagination… and you get a fantastic gaming experience that can easily last a good 45 minutes.

Of ocurse, who doesn’t prefer video games where they couldn’t even be bothered to hire an editor:



I know I could've used the work!

- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.