CAUGHT ON FILM: CELEBRITIES WHO’VE BEEN EXPOSED WITH THEIR PANTS DOWN, AND HOW YOU CAN LEARN FROM THEM

By The Schmooz - theschmooz@hotmail.com

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Hey there, possums and daffodils!

I have been busier than a rooster in a henhouse!

Reporters have been calling me since yesterday afternoon wanting my feedback on a startling discovery:

There’s a new celebrity sex tape for sale, children.

And most lovers think the mystery meat making lovelies with two fine brunette babies belongs to rock and roll icon (and personal friend of the Schmooz) Jimi Hendrix.



But it’s not.

I’m a wiser man now, and I think it behooves me to call out the truth.

It’s me.

It was 1968. I was rash and full of misplaced spunk. It had only been my third time loving man to woman to woman, and at that age, a boy feels scared in his loving. Like the flavor’s gonna run out before you know it. He needs something to make each time linger just a little bit longer than it should.

Which explains the tape.

I’m not proud of it. Loving is a sacred act that should be shared between you and the eager bodies that greet you on scented sheets, ya dig?

Once you get the idea to make your funky rumba a cinematic affair, you’re begging for a heap of trouble.

Feelings get hurt. Genuine, caring gestures can look cruel or arrogant. And hey, maybe you weren’t so sure that the lady with the gossamer lips tracing your being was old enough to vote.

It’s these things that can end you, dear readers.

Now that I’ve shared with you my personal pain, I’d like bring up some other individuals that found themselves in a similar sticky fondue of fornication, and show you what you can gleam from their sad tales:

1) Rob Lowe - It’s 1988, the Democratic National Convention is in full swing, and civic pride is pulsing through your loins.

What better way to celebrate than by making those sweet, raucous sounds that celebrate the soul?

Rob Lowe’s plans went awry, however, when he filmed himself making love to an underage girl.

What you need to know: If there is any doubt, lovers, any doubt whatsoever about the legality of the lover you’re bedding, be smooth.

Ask them about college. Their major, the dorm life, etc. Be safe – if they don’t give you an answer you like, you need to do the right thing, and send that wicked piece of forbidden goodness out of your sight.

2) Jayne Kennedy The first African-American actress to grace the cover of Playboy, Jayne Kennedy is as shrewd as she is lovely. She also was one of the first women to break into sports broadcasting. However, somebody still managed to break into her house and steal a sex tape featuring her and her former husband.

What you need to know: I don’t care if you make a tape of your carnal configurations and put it in a lead-lined vault, flanked by a thousand guards.

Somebody is still gonna find a way to take a look at your unclothed goodies, ya dig?

Keep your erotic entertainments locked in your brain bank – it’s better that way.

3) Dustin Diamond - In 2006, the actor who played “Screech” in Saved by the Bell had a sex tape of his released called: Saved By the Smell.

What you need to know: Remember, lovers who make sex tapes aren’t kind lovers, you dig? Their loving is selfish, bitter.

You put your sexual stock in risk every time you agree to gyrate for the homemade lens. Nobody wants loving from the ladies who had a piece of that dirty Diamond. Unless you want to spend your lusts sulking in solitude, please lovers, please put the camera down and leave it to the professionals!

What else have your learned from celebrity loving captured on celluloid?

Leave a comment!

Love,

THE SCHMOOZ

- Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.

NOTE: If you liked this post, secretly videotape your way towards Alternative & Fun Ways to Live and Create, Six Books That Make you Look Smarter Than you Really Are, and Four Fun Ways to End a Relationship!

How to Spot a Hipster

By Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com

OK, as you'll remember from my last article that my store was vandalized by a bunch of whiny hipsters who got mad when I called Vince Neil a douchebag.

As a public service announcement, I've prepared a guide to spotting a hipster. Whether or not you take revenge on them for... well, whatever, is all on you.

Spot The Enemy - Anyone who spends a hour to look like they spent no time getting ready is an idiot. You know the type, the fake vintage T-shirt from Nordstroms that cost $50... usually depicting a old sports logo, or a pretending to be a shirt from a make believe small-town restaurant from a "really funny" city in Missouri.

Bonus points if the shirt has some dumb sexual innuendo on it. Nothing says "I've got some edge" like advertising a passive agressive tea-bagging.

Here's the irony - Irony is stupid and far too passive agressive. I much prefer a blunt force "fuck your face" approach to life.

Case in point. If something sucks, it sucks. A shitty movie doesn't magically become good because some guy from a TV show that was cancelled is the lead character.

Failure is an option - I guess working in the men's department at a department and telling everyone you meet that you're a singer/songwriter/avant filmmaker/blogger extrodinaire/poet/graphic designer/actor/web design guru/spoken word artist/someday going back to finish that philosophy BA/vinyl collector/has a great idea for a novel is better than actually doing it.

But hey, you gotta make that commission, right?

Stupid Politics - I get it, you don't like Republicans (as well you shouldn't), but can you form a reason other than, "man, fucking conservatives ruin everything, huh huh huh."

Getting all the jokes on The Daily Show doesn't make you informed.

Having a friend with a blog that has 12 subscribers and steals articles from other sites doesn't make you connected to politics.

The Worst Taste Imaginable - Don't get me started. Hipster music might just be the worst kind of music ever. Ever. Ever. Ever.

I'm honestly about to punch my keyboard thinking about it. Moving on...

The Most Pussy "Vices" Possible - At one point, I dabbled in the whole straightedge thing. You know, back in the days when it was fun; before it got all militant with rules and stuff.

Besides, I also decided that was fun to sleep with chicks.

Anyway, since then I've developed a vice or two.

Hipsters, holy christ, they think that a six pack of cheap beer is partying. The cheaper and more piss like, the better.

Then, they get really crazy and suck on flavored, filtered cigarettes. After a night of this, they're the first ones to call in to work "hungover."

I can't even think of all the times I woke up still wasted and just called in "I quit" to work.

- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.


NOTE: If you liked this article, you might be hip to A Listener's Guide to Jazz (For Cool People Only), 6 Things we All Hate Talking About... But we do it Anyway, and 8 Sucky Movies That Ruled When You're a Kid!

IRON MAN SUCKS AND YOU KNOW IT: HERE’S WHY

By Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com

All right, you angry Internet nerds, get your flaming fingers limber and ready!

I’m ready for a fight. Got my sprits recharged, thanks to our resident writer, The Schmooz.

Nothing like getting a Captain Crunch from a lady to help release the tension.

Look, as you all know, I grew up with government-sponsored day care. Most of you call them orphanages.

Everything horrible you can imagine about being a kid happens in orphanages. Kids become human ashtrays, rats nibble on their toes at night, and the food is either moldy or so salty it tastes like an unwashed jock strap.

Naturally, we orphan kids did all we could to escape dealing with this never-ending crap fiesta. Glue-sniffing was epidemic.

So was comic book collecting.

Once a week, when the orphanage made us walk into the city to go to church, kids like me would swipe comic books from the newsstands we passed. The better the comic, the more respect you received.

Little kids would steal shit like Archie or Spiderman. Simple little stories and lots of pretty pictures, depending on the artist that drew Betty that month.

I’d never steal anything better than Swamp Thing. Those comics had a dark magic to them, and even though the lead guy was pretty messed up, I understood him a lot better than some moron in a cape with stupid powers.

But the kids who received the most beatings swiped Iron Man comics.



Time for a harsh truth, nerds.

Iron Man is and has always been a lame comic book superhero. Deal with it.

People who collect Iron Man comics or are rubbing themselves all over in anticipation for the movie coming out this weekend just have a sad robot fetish, that’s all.

Here’s why you should drop Iron Man and go read some good comics:

1) Rich white people do not make for exciting heroes - Orphans hate it when comic book heroes are full of “boo hoo, my mommy and daddy are dead and left me with all this money and my life is so miserable” crap. If Tony Stark was a real person, I would have broken his kneecaps with a sledgehammer and pissed on his wounds.

Look, you’re rich. In America, that means you’ve already won. Relax, go bang a prostitute, and get over yourself.

And don’t even bring up Batman. Same thing and you know it.

2) People without any superpowers are stupid comic book heroes - If your only actual super ability is the ability to graduate from MIT when you were fifteen and then make some stupid tin can that gives you your powers, you’re not a goddamn super-hero... you’re a super-mechanic.

Superheroes either magically receive their powers late in life or are born with them. Anyone else is just a poseur wanting to spice up their humdrum life by slapping on a costume that does all their work for them.

3) If you can only fight pathetic villains, you are a pathetic super hero - Spiderman gets Dr. Octopus, Kingpin, The Green Goblin. Hell, even Batman had some colorful baddies – the Scarecrow, Harley Quinn, and The Joker.

What does Iron Man get? Stilt-Man. A man who wears a robot suit with telescopic legs.

Pretty fucking sad, if you ask me.

All right morons, you’ve been patient enough.

Tell me why you think Iron Man sucks or is the best thing in the world since you’ve discovered how to masturbate!

Leave a comment.

LINUS

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

NOTE: If you liked this article, get your Stark on with How to Stay Alive in the Witness Protection Program, Quick Ways to Find and Make Your Own Alcohol, and Teh Best New Wordz to Come from Teh Internetz!!1!!!

The Fun New Political Scandals on the Horizon!

By Bustamante - therealbustamante@hotmail.com

Flag pins.

Sniper Fire.

Reverend Wright.

“Bitter.”

Senility.

Late night telephone calls.

These are the issues defining us and our times.

But is this only the tip of the iceberg? Is there more to come out about our candidates as this election season rolls along through the dog days of summer?

The answer is a resounding “HELL YEAH!!!!”

I’ve spent my afternoons for the past month doing the work of the mainstream media and digging up what the next scandals will be for Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, John McCain, and even that pesky Ron Paul.

It’s disturbing. Very disturbing.

Consider the following to be a blockbuster preview of the scandals coming soon to pundit show near you!

McCain Wipes Back-to-Front – It’s come to my attention the presumptive Republican nominee, Senator John McCain, uses an unconventional method of wiping after performing a number 2. You know, dropping the grandparents off at the old folks home. Making a Napalm run on the jungle. Dropping a Deuce.

He goes back-to-front. This smacks in the face of all things traditional. We knew he was a maverick, but who knew that he was THIS much of a maverick?

What does this say about his stance on health care? Can he be trusted to fix a broken health care system.

Hillary Plays Dirty Monopoly – Based on her wins in blue collar states like Pennsylvania, on the surface it looks like Clinton is truly the woman of the working class. She’s in debt and married to a hillbilly.

Blue collar all the way…

Then why does she ruthlessly go for Baltic and Mediterranean avenue in Monopoly, huh?

And why does she make it her first point to put hotels up on those spaces, viciously driving up the rents, and driving out the poor people to look for apartments on Oriental avenue?

It doesn’t stop there either.

Where she’ll settle for a railroad monopoly, she then uses her rent money from her first monopoly to buy up the light blue pieces of Vermont, Connecticut, and the previously mentioned Oriental Avenue.

So much for the poor finding refuse on the South Side of the City.

With Hillary, you either have to afford St. Charles Place, or you don’t exist in her world!

Obama Went to a Bad Brains Concert in ’81 – I heard on very good authority that, as a young man visiting Washington, Obama went to an all ages venue in urban DC and saw a Bad Brains show.

Vans gave me the low-down on Bad Brains. An all-black punk band of all Rastafarians. Many will tell you that Bad Brains was the best band to come from the DC and were also the most radical.

How well did Obama know Bad Brains. Did he most? If so, how’s his technique?

More importantly, does he still listen to Bad Brains?

These are all questions that need answering. Hopefully, we’ll get the answers we need.

Ron Paul Rack Up Late Fees Like No One’s Business – Go to any video store in the greater Texas area, and ask them who their favorite customer is.

I’ll bet you dollars-to-joints that you get “Ron Paul” as your answer every time.

Is it because he supports no tax on corporations? Wants to promote the growth of small business? Nope.

He couldn’t return a dvd on time to save his ass. According to him, he has the right to keep it as long as he wants and no entity has the right to express control his freedom, late fess be damned!

He kept a copy of “The Devil Wears Prada” for weeks, and held onto the newest “Pirates of the Caribbean” for well over a month even when he KNEW that other people wanted to check it out.

Selfish to a fault, or a connoisseur of decent-at-best mainstream cinema? Maybe we’ll never know.

Unfortunately, now that he’s become a non-factor in the election, we may never get the answers we crave and the issue of corporate late fees will be buried once again. Another casualty of the manufactured corporate media.

Makes me sick.

How about you? What do you think? Leav a COMMENT.

- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.

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Things We Should Cherish Before The Big Funny KA-BOOM!!!

By Stephany Ericson - stephany.ericson@hotmail.com

Orbits observed, planets contemplated, stars held in awe.

The heavens are too grand for description for even an accomplished wordsmith as I.

Let us just say that the heavens are indeed heavenly.

As mankind learns more and more about the objects in the sky, the more we can all celebrate our own existence.

Everyday our celestial scientists are discovering more and more planets orbiting other stars far, far away.

Most of the planets in our own Solar System seem to be made from gas, which is certainly a misprint in someone’s observation notes from long ago.

Even I, a writer, know that gas is lighter than air… and you can’t form it into a ball shape, with or without rings.

In any event, rocky planets like the one we are on now are rare in the cosmos it seems.

As yet, however we seem to be the only living beings on any planet. Not only do we live - we are self aware, can use both written and spoken communication, have invented the wheel, baseball, and the automatic Donkey tail trimmer.



I’m no Buddhist, but I am not sure if even God could have invented these all by him/herself(s).

As a youth in Ohio, I would sometimes love to find a quiet place outside at night. Once I was sure I was alone, I could stare awkwardly skyward and take in the immense tree in our backyard.

Then I would walk toward the highway so I could get a better look at the stars. When there was no traffic, very late at night, I would be flabbergasted by just how many stars there are in the sky. And just how much noise the horn from an 18-Wheeler will make.

Lately it has occurred to me that since we humans seem to be the only intelligent life in our version of the universe, then we must be indeed the center of our universe.

We are the only interesting thing happening really. There are no Olympics in Alpha Centauri, there is no Rachel Ray show in the Galaxy of Andromeda, and certainly there can be no hint of Playstation 3 in all the stars of NGC 1437.

With the responsibility of being the absolute center of all things comes great responsibility.

I know to some of you that might sound redundant, especially if you are reading this article out loud. But think about it. Without us thinking about, studying, and occasionally making whoopee under the stars… would the stars actually exist?

If Helen Keller were alone in the forest and a tree fell on her foot…would she say “OUCH!!!”?

No, because we would not be there to observe her cry.

The universe knows we are here. Every once in a while it will send us a “hello” card. So far the “hello” cards have been in the form of asteroids.



So far the cards have arrived when the only life on the planet was pea brained lizards, and some minor mammals, perhaps a mime or 2...

In any event, not much happened when the “hello” card touched the Earth: A few fires that were so small that they put themselves out after a few years, some insignificant and weak species got tired of the marshmallow roasting weather and gave up.

Soon after, President Kennedy was elected.

Now that there is so much exciting human life happening… the next time the universe says “hello” there might be some actual damage.

Things to cherish before the next universal “hello.”

Laserdiscs - Same size as a vinyl Long Play record… only it has more than music on it… an entire MOVIE!!! When the asteroid hits these will be difficult to find, let alone play.

Puka Shell Jewelry - Yes, they are every where now. Necklaces, bracelets, ear rings. But when the asteroid hits humans will begin using them as replacements for missing teeth, and in some cultures as currency. One word. HOARD!



Electric can openers -With little or no electricity following the universal calling card, the tasty Ravioli that you have come to love will be locked in it’s tin coffin for eons.

Friendliness - Sadly, when times are tough, as they assuredly will be post “hello,” people will be less likely to gather for drinks and scrabble.

Well, they will be scrabbling for sure, but not for a 7 letter double-word score, but instead for bandages and fresh water.

Yankees vs. Red Sox - This might be among the rare good things that will come out of the big “hello.” We will no longer have to listen to, watch, or read about “the greatest rivalry in Sports.”

With any luck, since the last time there was a “hello” it was to giant lizards… the universe will this time decide to say “hello” to the Green Monster.



We can only hope that the universe is that literal.

What other things should we cherish? Leave a comment!

- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children’s books (“Pasta Rat,” “Compromises are for Sissy’s,” and “Daddy Loves Mommy Even in the Middle of the Night”). Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

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HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY: A FEW TIME-TESTED TRICKS TO BRING A SMILE TO A LOVER’S LIPS

By The Schmooz - theschmooz@hotmail.com

Hey there, grasshoppers and katydids!

Your buddy, The Schmooz, just came back from the trip of a lifetime.



China.

That stranger shrouded in mystery, teeming with sensual promise.

Turns out there was a whole bunch of lovers who wanted to get together in Singapore and throw a New Science of Happiness and Well-Being Conference.

Now, normally, I think China, I think of some pretty serious individuals.

Hardworking, no-nonsense.

Lovemaking quick, isolated and cold.

But that ain’t it, no how - ya dig?

There were some out of sight, climax-making, funky junkies when I was there, let me tell you, and between their jasmine-scented thighs, I gave many, many thanks to their supple breasts, their eager eyes, and their quivering quims.

Along with my loving adventures, I was also there to perform in the city for this special occasion. I even gave a few workshops on improving self-esteem, and I also got to judge a brand-new contest Singapore came up with: “Singapore’s Happiest Person.”

Flying back home, the hearty and tangy musk of a stewardess still lingering on my lips, I thought about this country, and how we’re not too far off from China.

Sure, we’ve got a lot more choices, but most of us are pretty glum.

I’ve met Tonto, and that fellow’s got to be the saddest sack of doorknobs I’ve ever seen.

[NOTE FROM THE CHIEF: It's either that, or I'm developing Bell's Palsy. - Tonto]

So I’m gonna break off a few words of wisdom to help you spring happiness into this nation.

If enough people pass the love around, it’s only gonna be a matter of time before the loving grabs a hold of you and makes you delirious with joy.

1) This week, give out some mercy loving - Now I know all of you have a specific shopping list you expect in a lover before the clothes shiver their way to the floor.

This week, go for broke. If you normally reach the little death with Ivy-league, white-collar men, give a janitor with a crooked smile a throw.

If women with black lipstick, multiple piercings, and an intimate knowledge of anime make your parts all aglow, give the quiet, unadorned religious girl a chance to drag her nails down your back.

Be fierce with the chance to love another creature on this rare and unequaled earth; it’ll change your life.

2) Leave random notes of kindness everywhere you go - Don’t matter if you’re the Poet of Perpendicular Passion like me, or if you get sweaty stringing two words together.

See somebody who needs a little perking up? Take out a pen, write them a quick little note letting them know how special they are, and leave it somewhere where they’ll find it.

Don’t leave your name, don’t watch ‘em pick it up.

3) Help out your tribe - Some folks are just too shy or hurting to get the right kind of loving they need.

See, I don’t rightly know all the fine people who write on this site, but I’ve made sure they feel a little special before the week ends.

Tonto’s gonna get a visit from an old lover of mine who’s a journalist with creamy brown skin and a penchant for boxers.

Stephany will open her door this week to see a six-foot-eight Swedish man named Jergen who’s unrivaled in domination.

Linus should get a phone call from a Russian filly who looks ravishing in white.

And there are others, all making their way by plane, by car to help out those poor and quieted individuals who face life one dreary day at a time.

Now, go out there and make this nation happy again!

Any other ideas on how to spread the joy, or your legs?

Leave a comment!

Love,

THE SCHMOOZ

- Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.

NOTE: If you enjoyed this piece, travel on down to Why "The Man" Really Wants You to Hold Off on Screwing Until Marriage, Childhood Games That Teach You to Lie, Cheat, and Steal, and How to Avoid Sleeping With Your Twin!

You Know... Motley Crue Has Always Sucked If You Think About It

By Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com

Man, I’m pissed off right now.

Some dipshit hipsters threw a rock through the front window of my video store last night.

Of course, I have no definitive proof, but when has that stopped anyone from being judge, jury, and executioner?

Here’s what I know. Last night, some fake ass hipsters… oh wait, how do I know that’s what they were? I’ll tell you.

[NOTE FROM THE CHIEF: The following has been edited out of this post. I told Vans that he should do a whole new article on “How to Spot a Hipster.” Look for it to come later this week! – Tonto]

So, anyway, these used douches ask me, “Hey, what’s up dude? Like where can we find ‘Adventures of Ford Fairlane?’ Do you have it on blu-ray?”

“No, just a fucked up VHS tape with a preview for ‘Cool as Ice’ on it.”

They thought that was cool, and asked where to find it.

“It’s in the douche bag section.”

I have a section in the store specifically for the work of major league tools. The Vin Diesels and the like.

I explained that Ford Fairlane has a special place in that section due to the large number of douches in that film. “Dice” Clay. Wayne Newton. Robert Englund. Even a Cameo by Vince Neil.

That’s when the hipsters had enough.

They went off about how Motley Crue rules, and how Vince Neil is awesome, blah, blah, blah.

I realized that I didn’t need 99 cents that bad, and told them to get the fuck out of my store and to go to the other video store down the street where they film porno in the back room.

I show up to work this morning, and there’s a brick with a Motley Crue sticker on it surrounded by shattered glass next to the New Releases section.

So now, I hate Motley Crue even more than before.

Here’s why:

The Stupid Ass Name - In particular the two dots over the "u." They say it was inspired by Lowenbrau beer.

Idiots. They don't even put the dots over the "u" on the beer, yet the crue does.

Drinking bum piss makes for a better alcoholic drink than Lowenbrau. This is a fact.

Vince Neil Killed a Guy – Vince got drunk and drove to the liquor store with a buddy. To no one’s surprise, they crashed. The buddy was killed. Vince was sentenced to 30 days, and served 18.

I did more time in ’84 for punching a German at a gas station. How was supposed to know he was an Olympian?

Vince Neil Had Plastic Surgery – Umm, maybe I’m just not into it, but I don’t see how you can call yourself a hard rocker when you had a VH-1 sponsored “makeover” for everyone to see as he was pushing 40.

Is that Rock and Roll? Or is that Soccer Mom?

Shout at The Devil, or Shout at the Stylist?

Young Crue Fans Are Idiots – Just because some tattoo chick on TV likes wearing torn clothes, making the dumbass “rock on” sign, and likes the Crue, doesn’t make them cool. In fact, it might make them lamer.

Now, I get the single, fat guy with a strange balding pattern on top of his head that still longs for the day when his acne didn’t get in the way of scoring with some slag at The Whiskey. He still likes Motley Crue. He should.

The LA Glam Scene Was NEVER Cool – Never. Ever. Ever. Not in ’82. Not in ’86. Not even in the famed summer of ’89.

Unless your gig is chlamydia and dried coke residue. If you long for the days of skinny hillbillies from Kansas coming to LA to be nasty strippers and rockers then by mean... It's just more proof that nothing good ever came from the Midwest besides Husker Du.

Therefore, it’s 100% logical that there’s no reason to have nostalgia for anything from that period. None.

Every Side Project Sucked Bad – Let me get this straight, I guess four negatives makes two positives, because individually they’re all negatives.

Tommy Lee thinks he’s a rapper. Fail. Vince Neil thought he could be a solo artist. Fail. Nikki Sixx has been in a million side projects? Can you name one?

A Clothing Line? – Nikki Sixx, you know, the hard partying bassist who actually died for a while on heroin, has started a clothing line that available at Nordstroms, Neimman Marcus, etc. You know, places where you go to try on clothes with the sole intent of stretching them out in the dressing rooms and wiping your ass with them.

Worthless clothes for yuppies? Way to go, Rocker-Man. Keep that street cred respectable.

Whatever… I have a window to fix.

After that, I have some ass to kick.

Click HERE to leave a comment! - LINK FIXED (bash away!)

- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

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Gary Busey - Honorary Mime of the Month

[NOTE FROM THE CHIEF: Linus petitioned me with a new feature on Tonto and Friends (are any of these people really my friend...) where he appoints an honorary mime. He said if I didn't, I'd wake up one morning "in a tub of ice and my diseased liver would be somewhere in Pakistan." - Tonto]

By Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com

Hey.

Hope you half-baked Internet hippies enjoyed yourselves yesterday.

I know I did.

Nothing like breaking into a house and robbing the place when the owner’s stretched out on the floor, potato chip crumbs stuck in his beard and grinning like he just won the fucking lottery.

Look, it’s no secret that the number of mimes in this world is shrinking.

The pay’s lousy, the craft’s been distorted and slandered by the media, and most people who call themselves mimes suck harder than Stephany in her publisher’s office, looking to turn her crazy little words she wrote on a cocktail napkin into a book.

That’s why I’ve decided to give the mime profession a little PR boost, seeing as I’m the most prolific mime around.

Each month, I’m going to nominate a person (living only – otherwise, Steve McQueen would win every time) who best personifies the hard-living, mad dedication to life and art that a true mime should possess.

The criteria for being an honorary mime are as follows:

Personality

Criminal Element

Artistic Passion

Cruelty

and Fighting Style


With that in mind, let’s introduce the first recipient of the Honorary Mime of the Month award:

Gary Busey

Personality: Busey has enough personality to power a large city. Anybody who can say the following quotes below with a straight face has got to be a true character:

- Fear is the dark room where the devil develops his negatives.

- Drinking your own blood is the paradigm of recycling.

- You know what 'FAILING' stands for? It stands for 'Finding An Important Lesson, Inviting Needed Growth.

Criminal Element: The fun never stops in this category.

Drug abuse? Check.

Snorting cocaine off of a dog? Check.

Motorcycle accident without a helmet? Check.

Joining Promise Keepers and becoming a born-again Christian, only to keep beating your ex-wife? Check, check, check.

Artistic Passion: Are you kidding? He’s never done a role without the patented Busey passion.

Here’s a beloved clip showing off the charm:



Cruelty: On his reality show, “I’m with Busey,” he had his co-star drink a gallon of milk on a hot day until he vomited.



Pretty classy stuff.

Fighting Style: Crazy, crazy, and crazy.

If you came at him with a knife, he’d bite your arm off with those spear-sized teeth of his.



If you pulled out a gun, he’d bust out one of his black-belt martial arts moves, and end up wearing your spinal column as a belt.

Any other reasons why Busey should be an honorary mime?

Any other nominations?

Leave a comment!

LINUS

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

NOTE: If you enjoyed this article, 5150 yourself towards 8 Films That Sucked... But Ruled When You Were a Kid, Quick Ways to Find and Make your Own Alcohol, and Fun New Words for The Collapse of The English Language!

Other Great Reasons to Celebrate 4/20

By Bustamante - therealbustamante@hotmail.com

A lot of people are gearing up for what many consider a major holiday this Sunday.

It’s April 20. Known in some circles, in addition to calendar makers across the world, as 4/20.

It’s like Independence Day for pot smokers. It’s a day where pot smokers across the world sit around and get high, so it’s basically like every other day.

The story goes that in 1971 a bunch of high schoolers from San Rafael High School would meet at 4:20 near a Loius Pasteur (who also happened to complete the first pasteurization test on 4/20/1862) statute and blaze it up. It spread, proving that at the very least, a saying is addictive, and there you go. 4/20.

I first heard about it at a post Vietnam War “End the Next War” rally in 1976.

What about the non pot smokers? Or what about the people who want to add a little something special to their party?

Thanks to realms of history, there’s plenty of other things to celebrate, like the first pasteurization test mentioned above) on 4/20 instead of the magic plant.

Or, you can use these to enhance your celebrations.

4/20/1884 - The Pope Gets it Wrong! – Freedom lovers and potheads alike have plenty of reason to celebrate the publication of Humanum Genus by Pope Leo XIII. This was Pope known for saying things like, “"is quite unlawful to demand, defend, or to grant unconditional freedom of thought, or speech, of writing or worship, as if these were so many rights given by nature to man."

In his Humanum Genus, Pope Leo argued that people weren’t created equal, revolution (cultural or otherwise) was bad, and that there should be no wall between church and state

What a toolbox.

So light up and laugh because he got it oh so wrong… or just continue living your life, also proving that he got it terribly wrong.

4/20/1918 – Red Baron’s Last Stand – Famed World War I fighter pilot, The Red Baron, shoots down his 79th and 80th air combat victories, making him the most successful fighter pilot ever. He would be shot down the following day.

Far be it from me to celebrate a German war hero, but I do know that everyone’s favorite beagle, Snoopy, was a big fan.



Therefore, I’m a big fan.

What better way to celebrate 4/20 than by watching a Peanuts cartoon?

4/20/1926 – Let There Be Sound – A pot smokers best friend can be his or her collection of movies, and in 1926, Warner Brothers announced the Vitaphone, a way to bring sound to film. Yes!

Just imagine what we would be without had there not been sound invented.

No Three Stooges. No Reefer Madness. No Cheech. No Chong. No Dude. No The Wall.

Plenty of good reasons to celebrate!

4/20/1972 – Whooooooo-hooooooo! – It’s Carmen Electra’s birthday! Time to celebrate! There’s nothing funny or clever to write. Just look at the picture!



How are you celebrating 4/20? Click HERE to leave a comment.

- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.

NOTE: If you liked this article, light up over to Three Reasons Why Guitar is the Best Reason To Spend All Day in Bed, 9 Reasons Why Baseball Sucks, and Why No One Should Respect "Respect for the Aged" Day!

First Hysterical Attempt at Political Censorship Ever!

By Bustamante - therealbustamante@hotmail.com

I just returned from a backpacking trip across Europe with one of my students from the country club. Her husband went to Cabo "on business" and she wanted to get even by rediscovering her outdoor roots with a man who never lost his (me!).

You business guys may snicker at the guy with long hair and funny theories, but I get your women when you're not looking.

Anyway... that's not the point of this article.

I want to share the contents of a document I found in an English pub. I got into a conversation about art, censorship, and conspiracy with an old patron of the British theater and after several pints she said she wanted to share something with me that she'd never given to anyone before.

I thought I was headed into Schmooz territory for a moment, but was quickly brought back to the world of conspiracy and cover up. That's where I belong.

She showed me a letter sent to the Queen Elizabeth trying get Shakespeare censored!



So, check this out: this is most definitely the first attempt to censor theater in the world. The modern world at least anyway. I guess there's been Tipper Gores in every generation.

Your Highness,

My name is not important other than that I'm a loyal British subject and have been my whole life. This past weekend, I took my family to the Globe to see the new show by this Shakespeare fella. I was not impressed to say the least. I have never seen such filth in my life.
To think that my ancestors died in the Great Crusades for this makes my stomach turn.

Is this what we fought for? To see people using the most vile language?

Oh, the words they utter from their mouths. I would have covered my children's ears but I was too busy covering my own.

As a result, my children heard every slang, curse, and jest uninterrupted.

They heard such pornography like, "That man that hath a tongue, I say is no man, If with his tongue he cannot win a woman." I'm sure you're just as shocked as I am.

What exactly is this telling our young children? I hasten to even think what an impressionable young man, or woman, would think about Shakespeare saying that the only way to win the love of a woman is to be good at eating pussy?

If that 'twere the case, I'd be a single shopkeeper. Instead I have two children and have to spend late at the shop just to put grog on the table. I never had, nor do I have now, the time to spend idly between the legs of a woman!

And now my oldest, my son, runs around the house at all hours like he's Macbeth.

He's out of control. He goes on and on about To-morrow, and To-morrow, and To-morrow and so on.

He jumps off the couch with his sword and says the forests is moving and pretends to see the severed head of his pal sitting on the dinner table. My daughter thinks it's hilarious.

Don't get me started on her, my wife took her to see this play about the Shrew. I thought it would be a play about a harmless bird, but no. Now the two of them tell me in unison, "Asses are made to bear, and so are you."

The last straw came two weeks ago. Alas, my dear neighbor, a Mr. Samuel Wickersmire, recommended that I take my family to see this “Twelfth Night or What you Will.”

I should've choose "what you will."

It starts off pleasant enough with a shipwreck and the twins separated and whatnot. That’s fine. I enjoy that.

But then… oh lord, then the drunks start to show up and girls dress like boys and then the other girl wants to… I guess I’ll just use his language: the girl wants to try to make a baby with the other girl.

I saw some men in the audience drooling in anticipation. The saliva formed little pools of joy on the corner of their mouths. Their heads leaned forward while their midsections leaned up.

Oh my god!!! Listen to me! What have I become?

I brought my loving mother to see this show. I was embarrassed for her. There she was, my mother, laughing aloud at this debacle and debauchery, but I know she was just in denial.

If she has been affected by this man as I have… Lord help her.

I know you are quite fond of Mr. Shakespeare, but I beg you, please do what is right for England and the world. If we a stop to this man, we can save future generations from seeing these stories about sex and killings and demons.

What good can this add to the general public? Not much if my opinion is to be asked.

We owe this to ourselves and to our children. I know you are childless, but I ask you to view the world as your children. I am only one man but I'm convinced that this madness must end.

Shakespeare must be stopped before he goes too far with his blasted influence.

Respectfully, your humble subject, Harold Tittleman IV.

What a fascist dick!

Click HERE to leave Bustamante a comment.

- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.

NOTE: If you liked this article, petition your way over towards The Funniest Ways The US Tried to "Whack" Castro, The Greatest Events of 10/11, and The Most "Do-Able" Women in History!

PARTY WITH THE POPE: FUN WAYS TO CELEBRATE HIS FIRST US TRIP

By Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com

Hey.

Sing along, everybody!

Oh, you better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout, I’m telling you why
Benedict is coming to town

That’s right. The Pope himself, the world’s most irrelevant leader, is making his appearance this week in the United States.



Most people in America treat Catholicism like it’s a beloved flea-bitten mutt: they fuss and coo over the parts that make them feel all warm and fuzzy, and block out the times it takes a nice, long, dribbling shit on the carpet.

And it’s pretty funny to watch this new pope’s blood pressure boil over it.

He’s a more traditional pope, who believes that every single word and idea of the Catholic faith must be honored.

In short, he’s bat shit crazy.



Since I’m a huge fan of chaos, here’s some fresh ideas on how to bring a little spring in your step this week while politicians and the media practice their most pious faces before this costumed clown.

1) Solve two problems at the same time - Because the Catholic Church is as progressive as an episode of “The Andy Griffith Show,” they tend to scream and holler anytime people try to bring up preventing AIDS by condom use.

And, you’ve got the constant issue of rape and sexual abuse swept under the rug by Catholic clergy.

Why not use these two problems on each other? All you would need to do is recruit fresh, recently infected boys, and sneak them into congregations throughout the United States. When the urge to rape emerges, the priests get stung, and the Catholic Church has no choice but to take notice.

Pretty hard to beat your breast about an abstinence policy to prevent HIV and AIDS when your spiritual leaders have Kaposi’s sarcoma.

2) Get to know your new deadly sins - Pulling off sloth, gluttony, wrath, lust, greed, pride, and envy in one go just doesn’t cut it anymore.

According to the Vatican, the modern seven sins to avoid are these:

- Bioethical violations, such as birth control
- Morally dubious experiments such as stem cell research
- Drug abuse
- Polluting the environment
- Contributing to the wider divide between rich and poor
- Excessive wealth
- Creating poverty
Not very sexy, I know.

But don’t lose hope! Use this week to see how many you can commit in one scenario.

Try this one: While filled to the gills with trucker speed, slap on some condoms and have a threesome with women that you’ve cloned in your very own stem-cell research lab, built on the former grounds of a rent-controlled low-income housing complex. Your lab is made of solid gold, and gives off enough CFC to tear a hole in the ozone layer the size of a monkey’s fist every hour.

Any other fun ways you can celebrate the arrival of His Holiness?

Leave a comment!

LINUS

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

NOTE: If you like this article, take the Popemobile over to Prominent Men and Women Who Used Animals for Fun, The Four Most Haunted Places in the US, and How to Use Phobias to Bully and Intimidate People!

KISS - Brand New Acronyms for Your Internet Use

By Stephany Ericson - stephany.ericson@hotmail.com

Mozart, Proust, Shakespeare, Rodin.

Artists all.

And though it would be impossible for me to say that I KNOW them personally, I do KNOW that they were not of the “shortcut” culture we find our selves in.

If they had been, we surely would not be able to revel in the simple genius of “The Thinker.” We would miss the blissful ear candy that is Symphony #4 in G Minor, our hearts and minds empty of Remembering Time, bereft of 2 houses alike in dignity.

Yes, tragedy indeed.

It’s not that I don’t like shortcuts. It’s that I am tired of the same old shortcuts being used as effortlessly as we carbon based units take in oxygen.

Communicating via the written, or typed, word today requires intimate knowledge of the vast acronym database recently approved by the US Department of Education.

Why write “LOL” incessantly in response to your chat partner's inane referencing of YouTube shorts…when you could make them feel better and more whole if you would take the time to write, “that really made me laugh out loud, in fact I nearly rolled on the floor with laughter but not quite, thank you for bringing such humor to my life, what are you wearing?”

Typing “NEWFAG” as you blast a rookie Death Match players ass into pixel oblivion is so blasé - you could really make them feel un-wanted and disrespected by taking the time to type out, “wow, you ain’t from around here are ya boy? Last time I saw shooting that poor was in a Michael Bay film.”

Certainly I am not so un-aware of reality as Linus may suggest, that I don’t see the need to speed life up a bit at times. So perhaps instead of completely eschewing all shortcuts, acronyms, abbreviations, etc., we could just begin to employ newer, more meaningful acronyms in our daily attempts to say as little as possible to one another.

Here are some suggestions.

Pfftayo (please feel free to add your own.)

GBG - Short for Gone, Buzz, gone. Means, I’m headed out to the pharmacy be back soon!

LMSO - Short for Laughing My Spleen Out. Means what you typed was exceptionally funny and I am experiencing a very deep body laugh that is actually quite painful, but not life threatening.

BRAAPF - Short for a sound and an odor or two. Means, I ate too much Del Taco for lunch. Also breakfast.


DBREAP - Short for Dung Beetle reappears. Means, the person who rolled up the most shit in your life has inexplicably reappeared. Linus probably could use this one frequently.