But I digress. Today’s about giving the mime profession another qualified representative, as well as showing my own personal gratitude for a unique individual: Udo Kier.
In case you morons forgot the judging criteria to become an honorary mime, here it is:
- Personality
- Criminal Intent
- Artistic Passion
- Cruelty
- Fighting Style
Let’s begin!
Personality: How’d you spend the first day of your life? Udo spent his climbing out of the rubble of the German hospital where he was born, because it was fucking bombed!
He’s made of steel, let me tell you.
Plus, he just breathes evil. At night, I bet the Devil takes out a picture of Udo Kier and uses it to inspire himself.
Kier even once said:
"I think to be the devil you have to be angel. Only an angel can play the devil because the devil was a fallen angel."
Criminal Intent: Udo’s first role was playing a gigolo. He’s done a lot of soft-core horror work as well; playing vampires, mostly.
Udo’s not a smash-n-grab sort of criminal. If he’s assaulting you, odds are you’re not gonna make it out of the ordeal alive.
Artistic Passion: He keeps working with Lars Von Trier. Nuff said.
Trier is a madman, and only somebody who cared about craft would put up with his abuse.
Plus, he’s making a movie with him that plans to film every year for thirty years. Pretty damn insane, huh?
Cruelty: This is where Udo shines.
See, I believe he does shit like work with Keanu Reeves and take a role where a piece of shit like Stephen Dorff gets to pretend he could kick his ass as performance art as a way to plan a joke on the audience.
Seriously. This is your brain.
This is your brain under the influence of Udo Kier.
Fighting Style: Barnyard Brawl. Watch Udo's chicken-killing technique if you don’t believe me!
- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.
[Note From The Chief: We're starting a new feature here on Tonto And Friends - movie reviews! Everyone loves a film review, right? That's the hope at least as our writing staff will periodically review whatever the heck film they want. Might be a new film, might be an old one. For our premiere review, Vans is going to tackle the most recent James Bond film, Casino Royale. - Tonto]
Yeah, yeah… I know, Casino Royale came out in 2006, but whatever, I just watched it last night.
I’ve got a James Bond section in my store, but I’ve never been into the films. James Bond always seemed a bit lame to me.
So, I’m going to review it right now.
Umm, I’ll fore go the basic plot synopsis that comes factory installed in most reviews and just tell you the basic problem with the movie:
When the bad guy gets killed… here it comes… Drum roll… THE MOVIE’S OVER!!!
Done.
Roll Credits.
Green light the sequel.
But, you don’t keep the movie going. The main reason being… um, the whole dramatic conflict thing is basically done. The good guy wins. He gets his parking validated and goes home.
But not in Casino Royale. After two hours of action, they start over with a “new” bad guy with an eye problem who doesn’t have a line of dialogue (I don’t think). The result is that in spite of falling buildings in Venice… no one gives a flying crap.
And while on the subject of the whole bad guy dying thing… pretty much the good guy, in this case James Bond, has to be the one to kill the bad guy. That’s how the whole protagonist vs. antagonist thingy finds completion.
Instead, James is tied naked to a chair getting his nuts mangled when some arms dealer or whatever (who cares really) breaks into the dungeon of testicle bashing and shoots Le Chiffre in the head leaving Bond with a gnarly case of elephantiasis and thoroughly unfulfilled as a main character.
So, you have a movie that doesn’t end when the bad guy dies or where the good guy even kills the bad guy, but that’s all the problems, right?
No. Not really.
Casino Royale is all about poker and the mind games played on the table and off. Too bad the poker played on the table looks like it’s amateur hour played by a couple of your buddies throwing down Coronas and talking about the tits on some woman they work with.
Let’s take a look at the final hand. We take it at after the turn (I’m pretty sure), and there’s a pretty obvious spade flush out there with an Ace on the board. Your got some big bets going out, so you can assume that these are either continuation bets from the pre-flop, which suggests that these high level players (I mean a $10 million buyin, you could assume these are serious players) were betting big pre-flop.
So, why in the fuck does Bond play a 5 7 suited? That’s an easy pre-flop fold unless you’re big blind and there’s no pre-flop raises, which there would be at that level of poker especially with the hand that are flipped over at the end.
Nevertheless, Bond lucks his way into victory with a straight flush that never happens in real life.
That same feeling you get when some guy donkeys his way to a big pot on the river, that disappointed “are you kidding me? I should’ve had that!” feeling that leaves you pissed for hours… that’s pretty much Casino Royale.
- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.
Let’s focus today on a musical group that’s become the deep, dark dirty secret so many of us share. And I just wanna get the old ball rolling and give ya a little back story on how these fellows went on to become one of the most critically reviled and privately adored artists of all time.
1975 was one hell of a year for yours truly. I was on a world tour promoting my new album, Sexual Cornucopia, as well as its sweat-dripping single, “Get off your Feet,” and the response was ecstatic.
By the time mid-May came around, I was making the ladies of Sydney, Australia moist and bothered with anticipation. On one of my days off in the country, a buddy of mine recommended we go catch a musical we’d heard some good buzz about, Jesus Christ Superstar.
I was glad we did. It was my introduction to Russell Hitchcock and Graham Russell, both performing in the show. They had the kind of chops that make ya gasp, ya dig?
Hitchcock had a tenor voice that was like a heat seeking missile. No note was beyond his reach. Graham had such a stoic, understated presence. The kind of fellow who didn’t need to do a whole lot to grab a hold of your senses.
By the end of the show, I was beside myself with joy. These two had the potential to take the music scene by storm, and I knew I had to make it happen. I met them backstage in their dressing room. Both were equally nervous and embarrassed to see a man of my musical pedigree.
After some small talk, I laid it on the line. Told them that they had no choice but to combine their musical talents and have me manage their career.
And then I said the words that made their transformation complete: You, gentlemen are a breath of fresh, funky air - you have a unique air supply that no one can equal.
And, that’s how their name and the group came to life. As I defend Air Supply today, I want you to think of them as dynamite singers who did the best they could with the rest: lyrics, music, videos, etc.
I must confess it was their fanatical devotion to my work as a soul singer and lover man that drove them to write and sing so many love songs.
But, like a copy of a copy, the meaning gets a bit muddy, even with the finest vocal tools at their disposal.
1) Lost in Love - All our cynicism aside, Air Supply is worth your time and love, ya dig? Turn your speakers down low and give this a listen:
It’s like reading a letter from a lover you really used to care about; it just makes you feel so warm, so good.
2) Every Woman in the World - Here’s another example of a song with great potential that only their golden voices save.
I remember when they wrote it, too. They called me up, telling me that they wanted the perfect song that captured the way love can put you back together.
I told them to work with the idea that the lover they sing about is their “everything”, as the majestic Barry White once crooned.
Instead of going from there, they wrote this. Which, if you start to listen to the words, doesn’t make a lot of sense. But damn, those voices!
3) Making Love Out of Nothing At All - This song will break your heart, in the right place at the right time.
I have their music video here as an example on how to take every good part of a song and stomp it dead. Once you’ve watched the video, play it again, this time closing your eyes. Let it wash over you.
And damned if you don’t want to give this song a shot the next time you’re drunk in a karaoke bar.
Cuz in the end, we’re all simple people. We want so much in this fragile world that we take the smallest bits of kindness and try to make them love. Just like I did when I thought Air Supply had a shot at reinventing R and B.
Though they’ve been shelved in obscurity, they’re still worth a listen now and again.
- Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.
Like any prizefighter who has been around the game long enough, I had my share of stink-fests disguised as boxing matches. In theory, there should be no such thing as a boring fight. Two people with the same goal of victory that can only come when they have beaten their opponent into a state of unconsciousness. But, man… it doesn’t always go that way.
One of my first fights in Vegas was against Dick “Thick” Jodoin at The Riviera in the late 70s. I was 12-0 and Jodoin was at the tail end of his career. This was a fight to get me over and Jodoin knew that. He didn’t have a shot in hell of beating me. I dropped him in the third, and he spent the last nine rounds running from me, pawing with an occasional jab.
I have it on good word that some well-dressed Italians told Jodoin that if he ever pulled that shit in their town again, his next fight would be in a crudely dug five foot deep hole. Jodoin retired after our fight. The point is an exciting fighter is a well-paid fighter. A boring fighter is an unemployed fighter.
When you add television and the movies, there’s no way you can have a bad fight, right? You are so wrong. Check out some of these fights that would drive the Vegas mob crazy… if they still ran the town, that is.
Undefeatable (1994) – I’m not a fan of titles that give away the outcomes of fights and “Undefeatable” definitely falls into that category. And can’t say I’m a weapons expert either, but I would suspect that neither are the combatants in this fight.
I mean, everyone knows that you don’t cut yourself with a knife to open up the action. Save that shit for the pre-fight press conference. It’s too late to sell tickets once the fight has started!
Also, I don’t advise going into a fight looking like a reject from a deodorant commercial. This coming from a guy who walked the aisle at MSG wearing a headdress and a leather jacket. I know bad ring attire!
Superfriends vs. Legion of Doom – When you add animation to the equation, there’s no excuse for a lousy fight… yet the makers of Superfriends found many.
- Solomon Grundy needs to work on his grappling before tangling with Superman - If Superman is going to remain a top contender, he must develop some new techniques. He attacks with a fervor that left fans wanting more... hell, wanting anything. - Wonder Woman and Green Lantern need to train reflexes, if they ever plan to be able to dodge a jaundice T-Rex. - The Superfriends need some management. If you’re going to talk trash during a fight, it must be great trash talking. You also need to do physical taunts otherwise the people in the cheap seats won’t get it.
I Have No Idea Where This is From – When the most compelling part of your fight is a midget swinging on a rope… you’re in trouble!
Aa Ab Laut Chalen (1998) – To make an exciting fight, you need an opponent who can back up their trash talk… otherwise you get a one-sided beat down like the following:
"Code of the Dragon" AKA "The Ghost” – I’m not a fan of fight gimmicks. When I was starting my career on the small shows across the world, you encounter a lot of gimmicks: Leprechauns, blindfolds, stilts, baseball bats… basically, anything you can think of that crosses the line and takes away from beauty of boxing.
That said, I never needed a paycheck so bad that I was on a card that featured fighters with only half a body.
And finally, the worst fight scene EVER…… Kirk vs. Gorn – Sometimes having two big names isn’t enough to make an exciting fight. Such is the case between Captain James T. Kirk vs. Gorn. On paper, this should’ve been the fight of the century… instead, it was mercifully short abomination of a main event.
It's too bad because there was big money to be made in a rematch.
Both quickly returned to their day jobs.
- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.
By the time you read this today, the California Supreme Court will make its decision on whether banning same-sex marriage is constitutional. I know I ain’t talking about the fun and sexy advice, like how to best convince a loved one to open up their Roman Road, but I think it’s a big deal, so take a seat, and read along.
My loyal fans and lovers know my mind on this controversial issue. Ever since I wrote the song, “Birds of a Feather, Loving Leather,” I’ve been pouring my heart and soul into making sure each and every lover has the chance to lick and stick whatever flavor tickles their nickel.
And, while I’m not the marrying kind, people got the right to have their government recognize their love, and give them all the propers that come with that, ya dig?
Cuz getting married is more than the free toasters and the money dance – it’s about getting the same legal opportunities as everyone else. The religion stuff – sure, it’s fine and all, but last time I checked, the man upstairs isn’t responsible for letting you file a joint tax return, ya dig? It’s the government.
At the heart of today’s marriage, it’s beyond the old concepts of having people stick together so babies got a future. It’s about making time get to know somebody close and dear for as long as your mind and love muscles stay tight and focused. Here’s why California should unleash the funky and let lovers play in the menagerie of marvelous matrimony:
1) All the cool kids are doing it - Right now, there are five nations that allow same-sex marriage: The Netherlands, Spain, Belgium, South Africa, and Canada. Sure, South Africa was in a bit of a pickle for a whole lot of years, but it shook off its sordid past, put on a sexy new dress, and has embraced change long before its more “tolerant” critics.
And any world traveler like me must make it very plain to you that these five places are by far the most fun destinations on earth. The culture is rich and majestic, the food makes you praise the goddess of epicurean delights, and the loving – oh, the loving!!
Let’s just say this: don’t do them all in the same trip, or you will never walk again.
2) It’s the first step to assuming nation status - California, all by itself, has the sixth largest economy in the world. The other forty-nine states are just dragging it down, ya dig? Their clothes, their ideas – they just don’t jive with the modern, sophisticated Californian vibe. If California had the stones to take a progressive stance on same-sex marriage, it’d be a clear sign that it was sick and tired of taking guff from old, antiquated thought.
3) It would help California’s budget - Even with such a large economy, California’s had a tough spell these past few years. It’s in some serious debt. I propose the state solve this problem as follows: make marriage available to all, and with a wedding tax across the board. Not for getting the marriage license, mind you, but for having a huge affair out of it all. It’d be on a sliding scale – if you don’t got a lot, and you have your wedding in a simple church, it’d be a hell of a lot different than if each wedding gift you get costs the same as a used car.
Any other ideas why California should break off a piece of the Justice of the Peace for all? Leave a comment!
A year ago at this time, I made a decision and haven't looked back. I stopped selling Indian Shit to focus on this humor page.
Sure, the money hasn't been what I'd hope, but it never is. Besides, I stopped doing things for money a long time ago. I had a chance to branch out into other industries like video games, but it wasn't meant to be.
Comedy writing... that and boxing have been the only things I'm kinda good at. Even if it was for the money, you couldn't put a price on the last year at Tonto and Friends. A year later, Tontoandfriends.com is still standing, stronger and funnier than ever.
We've developed a solid roster of some of the best comedy writers that are willing to work for next to nothing!
Later on into our first year, I was proud to introduce our growing readership to the most unique writer I've ever encountered, Linus, The Angry Mime. Since then, despite our squabbles, it's been my pleasure to publish Linus' takes on the world at large, and his unique brand of advice stemming from his personal life experience.
As our subscriptions grew, I was able to bring on a buddy of mime, Bustamante. Our site was missing a critical humor component... sure, we had love, sex, crime, and boxing covered... but what about politics?
Thankfully, Bustamante has consistently come through for our readers with pieces centered around exhaustive research, and analysis. Bustamante proudly set off an Internet shit storm last August with his jaw-dropping article: The 10 Funniest Ways The US Tried to Whack Castro.
Unfortunately, over the first year, we've seen a decline in the output of one of our original core of writers. Everyone's favorite professional bum, Slocomb Jones, has been at worst missing in action for months, and at best just plain brilliant, whether he's bring his perspective to today's problems, or musing thoughtfully on pop culture.
Speaking of pop culture, look no further than our resident expert on all things... well, just on all things, Vans McCoy. Whether it's movies, music, Halloween costumes, or even pro wrestling, the man knows his shit. Don't believe me? Just ask him.
A little over a year ago, I began this website by asking "Who is Tonto Balboa?" I'm not quite sure I'm any closer to finding that out, but I will say that the past year has been a hell of a ride, and I'm looking forward to continuing to bring our readers some of the best humor articles that you're bound to find this here Internet thingy... sure beats getting your ass kicked by Larry Holmes. That's for sure. I want to thank our readers for sticking around and sharing a laugh or two! Here's to year two of Tonto and Friends! - Tonto Balboa Editor and Chief www.tontoandfriends.com
NOTE: If you liked this article... aww hell, there's plenty of links here already!
It’s a funny thing, finding out what people hold important and relevant in their quick, little lives. Started thinking about this the other day, as I was breaking into my PO’s office. Word on the street was that a certain ex-con was back on the streets and under his care, and I had been offered too much money to let the guy who snitched on my employers suck up any more oxygen.
Breaking in was really too easy. One guard, one swing with a couple of batteries tossed in some pantyhose, and the place was mine. Look, I feel sorry for you office types. No fresh air, fake little particle-board walls fencing off your space. Fluorescent lights stabbing light into your sockets. So you cling to whatever grubby little hope you can muster: faded pictures on your desk, stress balls blackened with your nervous sweat, and little crap slices of motivational writing.
After I hacked into my PO’s computer and got the corpse-to-be’s address, I saw something on his desk that almost made me piss myself. My PO’s one of those goody types that not only makes a list of New Year’s Resolutions, but actually puts them up on his cubicle. Number one on his list was to “be more honest,” and he put this article right next to his little list. Go read it. It’s such crap.
Those are the worst lies you can tell at work? Really? I don’t even work in a fucking office, and I’m sure I could come up with better ones that that.
Let’s get a dialogue going, Internet nerds!
I want to hear what dirty, evil lies you’ve had to peel off without a sweat, all to cover up the lechery and greed and laziness you enjoy. I’ll start with a few of my favorites. Not from my art – I actually enjoy my art, and don’t really need to lie there. But when my other work comes around, the kind that gets my hands a little bloodier, I’ve told (and by told, just assume I mean inferred; as anybody who regularly reads this page knows, I DON’T SPEAK) a few whoppers, to save my skin:
1) Yeah, they’re fresh - Nothing pisses off a customer worse then when they see maggots crawling all over the carton of human ovaries you just sold him. It makes their machete swinging fingers a little itchy, and then I’ve got to find a new buyer and dispose of a new body, understood? So I keep my human organ shipments frozen until the moment of sale. At that point, creepy crawlers look just like packing materials, thanks to the power of imagination and some bad lighting.
2) I’m left-handed - As a rule of thumb, if I’m not able to sneak up on a chump and earn him a few lines in the obituary section, I’ll start off a scuffle with him using my left hand to hold my weapon - be it a pool cue, a crowbar, propeller, or something else I’ve fashioned out of my surroundings. A few minutes into the fight, when he’s getting tired and stuck in a pattern, I’ll pull the switch, and spill the sucker wide open.
3) It’s not personal, it’s just business - Bullshit. If I’m taking the time to kneecap you with a croquet mallet so you fall down twenty flights of stairs, it’s personal.
It’s always personal.
Now, what are some the best lies you’ve told while working? Leave a comment
- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.
Like many, I was a proud non-voter for many decades. I felt burned out, bummed, if you will, about the establishment. Two parties to choose from when both take the “party” out of political party?
No thank you.
They’re called political parties for a reason. At the root of it, it’s supposed to be a party. That’s why I liked President Clinton. He definitely put the “party” back in politics. His wife… party killer, if you ask me.
Who else has there been – President Carter? Mondale? Dukakis? Gore? Kerry?
Would you party with any of those guys?
Me neither.
Do I even need to go over the fellas on the right? But Bush II did coke, you’ll say. From my experience, the only people who do coke are frat boys and dick heads.
Has it always been this way? Has the party in political party always been hijacked by the powers that be? No way!
Here’s some political parties in American history that definitely put the party back into political party!
1. The People’s Party (1970s) – The people knew what a party was all about. Minimum and maximum wage! That way everyone can party and not have to worry about not being invited to party with the luckier (rich) people. Plus, those luckier people won’t need to feel bad about being at the same party with the poorer folks. That’s what I’m talking about! They nominated Dr. Spock, the baby guy, not the space nerd, for President in 1972.
They tried again in 1976, but found the same results… people just aren’t ready to party on a universal level.
RUMOR: The party is looking to rebound in 2012 uniting under the leadership of The Rock, who, as we all know… has long been the People’s Champ!
2. The Anti-Monopoly Party (1884) – A short lived, but forward thinking group of people that were all for labor rights, graduated taxation, and antitrust legislation. Plus, they were HUGE fans of Risk!
That’s a strategy game, not this bullshit roll the dice and go around in circle where pure luck determines the winner.
The anti-monopoly party lost their bid for the Presidency in 1884, but the party went underground, spending the next 50 years preventing game merchants across the country from shilling their capitalist board games to young kids.
As the Anti-Monopoly party learned back in 1884, Rich Uncle Pennybags always comes out on top.
3. The United States Greenback Party (1874-1884) – These guys (and gals) knew the first rule of partying: you need cold hard cash. Furthermore, that cold hard cash couldn’t be controlled by private companies.
Primarily made up of farmers who hadn’t been invited to parties, specifically the Panic of 1873 party… and you know how people get when they’re not invited to parties: they make up ones of their own!
4. The Know-Nothing Party (1850s) – If you can’t respect anything in politics, it’s honesty. Perhaps no party was more honest or upfront about themselves than the Know-Nothings.
Their platform was simple. No immigrants. Never. No exception. This was due to fears that the increasing number of Irish-Catholic immigrants would take over the country under leadership of the Pope. I know, stupid, right?
So, how do these guys, who want to exclude people put the “party” back in political party? Well, consider the “Know-Nothings” to be the fraternity parties of the political world.
And, much like frat boys, the Know-Nothings soon became Republicans.
5. The Prohibition Party (1869 – today) – I know what you’re thinking: Bustamante, have you gone insane? These guys put the least amount of “party” in political party!
That’s where you’d be wrong.
Sure, on the surface they want to rid the world of alcohol and vice, but what’s beneath the surface?
A whole lot of repressed partying, that’s what!
I learned this lesson working at the tennis club. These women at the club are big on telling their kids to just say no, and all that propaganda… but when they get to the club: let the party begin! I haven’t seen so much pill popping and drinking since I went to a Abolish the Third Amendment rally in Berkeley in ’72.
Trust me, the more people want to tell you they don’t want to party, the more they really want to say “yes!”
Except with women, that is…
- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.
The things and people we love, we hold close. They make us feel wonderful and in some cases can even make us better individuals, although this is very rare…and really…if someone else can make you a better person…were you really trying that hard to begin with?
That being said-there are some people and things in our lives that perhaps we hold on to for either the wrong reason, or for too long. In these instances one has a tendency to go a little batty: To be introduced face to face to our neediness and insecurity. We have met the loser and he is us. But as soon as one can let go of the person, place, animal or thing that is dragging us down… life gets better.
For some this letting go is nearly impossible. The “loser” we became while holding on to the wrong entity is someone we feel more comfortable with than the REAL us. It’s tragic if not rectified in short order… so says Spritely.
So, here-in lies a crossroads of sorts for me, and since I am a trailblazer amongst you all when it comes to expression of inner feelings…I am more than certain many of you are at some similar crossroads.
I love Video games. I love young people. At least one of these 2 loves may not be impacting my life in the best possible way.
Being a lover of the freshest faces, the tightest skin and the readiest lovers I usually adore people much younger than myself for what they can do. For me. I hold them close whenever opportunities present themselves.
But even I, a connoisseur of Twenty-something derrieres must pause when they use video games for entertainment, social discourse and JOB TRAINING.
Below are a few games that should be GAMES… and nothing else.
TW@ Fun and frolic are part of human nature-we call it Joi de Vivre. When fun and frolic infringe upon the health and safety of other humans, we call it Grand Theft Auto IV.
Getting Nico to a place atop the city is fun and games. But when college students use their not-quite-completed common sense by taking tactics learned in a game to real life… we call it San Diego State University.
Stay in school… learn to manage manual laborers. It is what this economy needs. Do not become a drug dealer. Throughout history it has been shown that it is best to let the people in the Government handle that.
Let go…
Golly! If you are a college graduate and know how to manage manual laborers, perhaps you would enjoy setting up a crew of folks to mine gold, kill rabbits, and make leathery armor bits?
You could then sell your spoils for cash! But instead of making money, you would instead PAY money to the company that provided you with the fields of rabbits to slaughter, the caves, etc.
Not a tad too different from the real life we already live in… only shrunk down into ones and zeros. I have played this online world and found it completely lacking in imagination. After 10 straight hours of searching through Frostmourne, Nagrand, and finally ShadowMoon Valley, a place I thought for sure would have one… I could not find even one pharmacy.
Pfft. Not ONE.
None of the places you are trying to run from in your real life are absent from World of Warcraft. They just have different names.
Let go…
Marching One wonders whether fake tattoo parlors, replica drugs, and imitation fake body enhancements will soon be popping up in the gaming culture. With half of our population attempting to get 5Star Band Status on “Highway Star” it seems the need to feed the ego of faux Rock musicians will soon be on the rise.
Perhaps this is the solace our broken economy needs: Millions of gamers who actually HAVE let go… of their reality and are now in pursuit FULLY of their alternate selves.
With Rock Star status gleaned from living room performances they now have the chutzpah to create fake mediocre clothing lines, to have several out of wedlock fake children with fake groupies, and ultimately to succumb to early deaths from fake overdoses of Vicks44.
Time to let go. And once you make the decision to truly let go, life will get better.
- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children’s books (“The Best of Me”, “2nd of July” and “Mild, Mild, Oh So Very Mild”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.
By The Schmooz - theschmooz@hotmail.com
Hey there, mothers and young lovers!
I can tell ya that the mighty hand of fame comes with a price. An artist wants to grow and test the limits of their craft with each new performance, ya dig?
Fame, however, makes the audience beg and plead for that very song or performance that brought you to their attention. It’s like making love in the same old missionary means time and again; after a while, the both of you will get tired of the familiar, expected gestures.
Case in point: In 1973, I broke the top of the Denmark charts with “Love Toreador,” collectively dampening the panties of Netherlanders in one fell swoop. I couldn’t take two steps without some lover screaming to hear the song. Women wouldn’t drop their laundry unless I serenaded them with the opening lyrics:
I don’t take no bull, pretty baby
And I’ll lay you down so fine
You’ll feel fire and divination
As my banderilla finds its place within your fire…
It was a tough ride, dear readers. Sure, the loving flowed like champagne, but my hard-core fans and the critics started to walk away from the Schmooz Appreciation Society.
It’s a double-edged sword. The more people know about you, the less they appreciate you and your work.
Which brings me to today’s artist, a deeply misunderstood man who is one of the greatest musical geniuses I have ever seen, forever maligned in the public’s eye for a silly little jingle that doesn’t do him justice.
I was at the 1989 Grammy Awards that night when they announced the Song of the Year. It’s a big deal to get that specific honor. In a way, it’s the Grammy’s way of making plain which artist captured the hearts and minds of the world in 1988.
I, like most of the people there, really wanted Tracy Chapman to take the prize for “Fast Car.” It was the perfect piece of art that held the fears and collapse of the 1980’s. Not a ditty you’d use to get it on, but a glorious, honest work.
Fate, however, dealt another hand, and Bobby McFerrin won Song of the Year for “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”
I remember the look of his face as he held the statue. He looked guilty as hell, ashamed, and smacked in the face by the cold fingers of fame.
I want to take this time right now, my sensitive readers, and really get you to understand that a song like “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” – that ain’t Bobby. Not even close to what he’s capable of creating.
Of all the artists I’ve mentioned thus far, Bobby McFerrin has had the roughest patch of it all. He’s become a joke to the public, and I want to help him out by reminding the world of the art he’s created:
Take a listen:
1) Thinking About Your Body - Listen to it right now!
The man has got enough vocal skills to last for days and days. There’s no accompaniment, no other singers – just Bobby and his body for percussion. It’s the perfect way to shake out anything you’ve ever thought about Bobby McFerrin and just groove on the talent pouring out of him.
2) Spain - Watch Bobby blend and flow on number.
No words. Just Bobby turning his instrument into distilled soul. Get your loving on with the magic that pours out of this song.
3) Ave Maria - You want to see a professional at the top of his game, somebody who knows how to make a crowd feel needed and warm?
Check out Bobby sing “Ave Maria!”
His voice is so clear and bright, it’ll make even the non-believers wet their cheeks and hug their loins.
Any other reasons to love/hate Bobby McFerrin? Leave a comment!
Love,
THE SCHMOOZ
- Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.NOTE: If you liked this article, show off your flow with In Defense of Michael McDonald, Fun Ways to Hook up with Someone Already in a Relationship, and What Your Favorite Breakfast Cereal Says About You!
You see, those were the scores from my final match as a professional boxer. A split decision loss to Juancho “The Meat Pulveriser” Huerta, a journeyman with a pitiful 15-9 record.
I knocked him down three times and easily won the first nine rounds.
Word of advice to all boxers: NEVER fight a Hispanic boxer in Los Angeles on Cinco de Mayo… unless you’re Hispanic, I guess. If you win by KO (and good luck… I dropped Huerta in the 3rd, and he was given a count of 17 to get to his feet) there’s going to be a riot, and you’ll never get a win on the cards.
I was done with boxing and done with Cinco de Mayo.
For years, the date haunted me. Watching people celebrate was like watching them celebrate the end of my fighting career. So, I decided, with some help from a therapist, to celebrate on a day when lots of people were in pain: May 6th, or Sies-o de Mayo.
Since then, I’ve discovered that there’s plenty of better reasons to celebrate the Sies-o de Mayo instead anyway!
1. Orson Welles is born (1915) – A great artist who was forever ahead of his time. A man who reached the apex of his career the moment it began and watched it end as an invisible voice in a cartoon that’s been now replaced by a bigger budgeted stupid film.
I’m talking about Transformers of course.
I can relate to the career of Orson Welles… except in the Welles metaphor for life, he probably would have knocked out Larry Holmes in the title fight.
2. Walden can’t make the final round – The death of famed American writer, Henry David Thoreau, is cause for a somber remembrance on this day. I find his writings on government and nature to still hold up today, especially in terms of their relationship to boxing scoring.
He once wrote, “I ask for, not at once no government, but at once a better government…”
I can only ask the same of boxing judges. There shouldn’t be no judges, just better ones.
He also said, “That government is best which governs not at all; and when men are prepared for it, that will be the kind of government which they will have.”
In other words, finish the fight, don’t let a fight go to the scorecards. Amen, brother.
3. Deal or No Deal? Take the Deal! – On this day, The Works Progress Administration is created by Executive Order 7034.
I don’t know much about this one, but Slocomb assures me that it’s a day long celebrated by bums across the country as the day that the government said it was OK to be a bum and, in fact, rewarded bums across the US with a free job where you didn’t have to do a “dang thing.”
A day for bums to get a break. I can get behind that.
4. It ain’t over till the final bell – In 1863, the Union Army lost The Battle of Chancellorsville, a pivotal battle in The Civil War. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no supporter of the South, but what does this battle teach us?
Sure, the Union could’ve packed it up and stayed down for the count.
Sure, they could’ve told their corner man that they couldn’t see and to stop the war.
Sure, they could’ve listened to the crowd’s chants of “Stay down you low-life, no-good, club fighter,” or “You’re better off serving lunches at the diner!” or “My mom hits harder than you, you mongoloid looking nincompoop,” but they didn’t!
They got up off their stool for the 15th, and weren’t content just making it to the end.
No! They put everything they had into that next round and pummeled their opponent into oblivion! That’s what I call motivation, dammit!
5. Even the Greats Know When to Pack it in – Perhaps more so than the career of Orson Welles, I can far better relate to the life of Chief Crazy Horse, which could be argued ended on May 6, 1877 when he finally surrendered to the US Army, much as I formally surrendered my boxing career on the same day 113 years later.
The great Native American warriors are never alone. The spirit links us forever. Corrupt judges. The US Army. These are forces that no warrior can fight forever. They always win in the end no matter how great you once were.
Why was I celebrating today in the first place anyway…
- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.
By Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com
Hey.
So, I’ve been busy this weekend, nursing a wicked hangover I received from drinking furniture polish straight outta the can.
I didn’t have a calendar on me.
Got up this morning, determined to make a little extra money and do some art.
No way.
Turns out the whole block’s been sectioned off for Cinco De Mayo.
And I hate Cinco De Mayo.
I’m talking red-hot, bile of unceasing vomit hatred for the holiday.
It’s noisy and hollow, and nobody who attends has anything worth stealing.
And they play the worst Mexican music.
Don’t get me wrong, Internet nerds. I like Mexican music. But for a holiday that’s supposed to show Mexican pride, they certainly play a lot of the crappy stuff that the Germans added to the mix when they took their turn occupying the country.
You know, any song that sounds like a polka – OOMPAPA, OOMPAPA, OOMPAPA…
Here’s some definitive reasons why you should stay far away from the revelers today:
1) Even most of Mexico doesn’t celebrate Cinco De Mayo - In Mexico, Cinco De Mayo is regionally celebrated, and the only place that really cares two shits about it is Puebla, the town where the battle that started the whole holiday took place.
Imagine living in Peru and going apeshit over some holiday called United States Day, not realizing that only a handful of Americans even care about the damn thing. It’s that pathetic, people.
2) Cinco De Mayo celebrates one tiny event that resulted in losing a war against the French - All the fighting in Puebla did was just piss off Napoleon.
A year later, France had taken Mexico by force. Sure, five years later those plucky Mexicans took it back from the French, but they already have a holiday for that: September 16th – Mexican Independence Day.
3) Cinco De Mayo is just an excuse to drink until you puke red and green - You don’t need a made-up holiday to pickle yourself into oblivion, people! I don’t.
Just make the time to do it, that’s all. Just like the Irish don’t need St. Patrick’s Day to do it, Mexicans do not need the fifth of May to turn their livers into a meat-flavored piñata.
Just open your throat, add turpentine, and repeat until you pass out.
Any reasons you love/hate Cinco De Mayo?
Send me a comment!
LINUS
- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.NOTE: If you liked this article, find another excuse to get wasted at Iron Man Sucks and you Know it, Illegal Immigration + Summer Reruns = Great Summer Television, and 3 Reasons Why Guitar Hero is the Best Way to Spend All Day in Bed!
So, I’m not sure how many of you watch the news, but there’s this controversy brewing about Barack Obama’s preacher or something?
For those who don’t keep up with current event, I guess his name is Jeremiah Wright, and he’s been saying some pretty outrageous things… especially for someone in church.
Just stick to the Bible, where it’s all about revenge, death, violence, rapture, plagues, etc… and yeah, I know there’s good stuff in there too.
Personally, I don’t see the big deal.
Preachers, pastors, ministers, and even rabbis have been a thorn in politicians time for all of American history. The great leaders from our history didn’t let a faux pas or twenty derail their run a history. Heck, even some of the not-so-great leaders, well… they still got elected!
Election of 1796 – The Pastor McConomy Scandal – John Adams, fresh off a great term as the first Vice President was making a run at becoming the 2nd US President, which would make him the first 2nd President ever.
But alas, controversy was hot on his heels. Back in the 60s, the 1760s, his pastor at the time, a radical Unitarian pastor named McConomy, was strongly in favor The Stamp Act, which Adams strongly disagreed with.
McConomy claimed that it was God that demanded the colonies to pay the tax to support England. Failure to do so would result in what McConomy described as England’s “chickens coming home to roost!”
This all came out when Adams ran. Adams sufficiently distanced himself from McConomy and became the first 2nd President of the United States.
Election of 1852 – The B.Y.O.B. Scandal – Before cheapskates began to throw parties, the phrase BYOB stood for "Brigham Young, Oh Boy!"
In 1850, President Millard Fillmore appointed Brigham Young as the first governor of the Utah Territory. As the acronym goes, “Oh Boy!” were the people upset about Fillmore appointing a religious zealot to such a powerful position.
As a direct result, Fillmore failed to earn his party’s nomination in the 1852 election.
It’s no wonder that America has yet to elect another Mormon since… regardless of how good their haircut is!
Election of 1892 – Rabbi Finklewicz paranoia – Up until the late 19th Century, it was fashionable to be a President with a wicked beard, and Benjamin Harrison was no exception (it’s long been whispered among the political elite that if his grandfather, William Harrison had worn a fashionable beard, he might not have caught pneumonia and died).
Harrison , a lifelong Presbyterian, was also friends with a popular rabbi, and early cylinder recording talk show host, Rabbi Finklewicz, who was able to deliver his unique brand of humor, insight, and universal religious message to the masses.
That is until it was discovered that Finklewicz was a strong supporter of the Sherman Silver Purchase Act, and in fact, pressured Harrison to sign the bill. Overnight, people with beards were no longer trusted, and Harrison didn’t wilt under the pressure to shave… unfortunately, this cost him a second term in office.
- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s. NOTE: If you liked this article, preach on down to The Lesser Known Events at The Iowa Caucus, 7 Ways for Republicans to Dominate in 2008, and Not Just Wildfires... What Else is Al Qaeda Responsible For?!
By Slocomb Jones - email can be sent to tontobalboa@hotmail.com on behalf of Slocomb.
[NOTE FROM THE CHIEF: To begin our month long birthday celebration here at Tonto and Friends, I wanted to reprint one of my favorite articles. Hope you enjoy. - Tonto]
Happy Halloween, everyone!
Truth be known, this is my most profitable time of year. The week of Halloween, I usually pull in a few hundred bucks thanks to various costume contests. One time, I had no idea what day or even month it was and I was passing through a college town somewhere.
I saw a big house with funny letters on the side… I smelled cheap beer. I knew I’d found a home for the next few hours.
Someone gave me a pill, a “mood enhancer,” and I went crazy. I asked everyone for some spare cash over and over and over and over again… eventually they gave me $500 for best costume.
I kept saying, “This isn’t a costume, it’s a lifestyle!”
In the spirit of Halloween, I’d like to offer some of the wisdom of my travels around the world. I’ve been in a lot of scary places… but only a few actual haunted ones.
For Halloween, here’s my top 4 most haunted places in the United States.
4. White House Motel – Thanks to the Presidents and history, the tourism industry is big in Washington DC.
As a professional bum, you need to avoid tourist places. I know, I know, there’s lots of people with money… but since they’re in an unfamiliar place, they’re less likely to talk to strangers. Incidentally, that makes them more susceptible to muggings, but that’s not my style. I’m from the happy-go-lucky school of pro bumming.
Anyhow, knowing this information, I took what cash I had and decided to treat myself to a room for the night. So, I checked out the White House Motel… it’s over by the courthouse in DC. I got a deal on a room for 8 hours. As soon as I got to my room, I stared hearing noises… like moans and stuff. Hold on, I know the difference between moans and the sounds of a working girl selling ten-dollar anal… and these were definitely moans.
I went outside and saw a tall, skinny, bearded pale figure of a man wandering the hallway looking for a Ford or something. Next thing I know, he was gone. I should’ve known that a place with a roof is no place for a bum. I checked out after two hours.
It’s too bad because the place was real nice.
3. Winchester Home – For most of his bumming career, Stinky Winchester was a bum’s bum. He was good people. One time, Stinky was simply following the cardinal rule of being a bum… picking up dropped lotto ticket. The thinking is clear: Maybe you’ll win enough for a bottle of good booze. It’s like our version of the lottery: the odds of picking up a dropped winner are the same as actually winning.
Anyhow, Stinky picked up a winner that actually a HUGE winner! He found a dropped ticket that paid him over $50 million dollars! Stinky bought a huge house… but he soon started to see things. People from his past were appearing in the house.
Stinky realized that these were the ghosts of all the people he bummed money from who were now dead and wanted it back! To escape from them, Stinky kept adding rooms to the mansion, trying to get the ghosts. It didn’t work, and Stinky spent all his money. Eventually, Stinky killed himself in the mansion. Now his ghost haunts the mansion too. A moral tale for all bums, if ever I heard one.
2. Alley Behind a Las Vegas Italian Restaurant – One time, I was in Las Vegas and I was sleeping out behind some Italian restaurant a few miles away from The Strip. It was late a bus drove by, and next thing I know, a bunch of people in the bus were taking pictures of me. I stood up to see what was happening… then they yelled at me and the bus drove off. This confused the hell out of me.
Thankfully, a nice old gay man came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder.
“They thought you were me,” he said.
“Well, I not,” I said.
“I know you’re not, sweetie.”
This guy had on some flashy, sparkly clothes, so the professional in me took over.
“Excuse me sir,” I said. “Do you think you could spare a little...?”
“My dear,” he laughed. “I haven’t needed my money for a long time now. Look at me… I’m fabulous. You don’t need money, honey.”
He turned and walked away from me, but he didn’t have any feet!!!
1. Prison Cell on an Island – One time, after spending an evening in a haze in San Francisco, I woke up and found myself locked up in a dark prison cell. My head was cut, and I had a note pinned on me that said, “If you can read this… we didn’t hit you hard enough. Stay out of ‘Frisco, bum! – SFPD”
Next thing I know, there’s a short, fat, Italian man in my cell. He said his name was Al “Cat” Raz, and that he was a mobster or something. I told him that I wasn’t looking from trouble, but he said he was here to help me. Like all criminals, he said he wasn’t guilty of anything, and that he stuck around there to help all innocent people leave this “rock.” Whatever that meant.
Next thing I know, Al unlocked my cell door, tipped his cap to me, and then he walked through the wall! I gathered my bearings, took a quick nap, and then got out of that cell as fast as I could.
It was long swim back to San Francisco.
- Slocomb Jones has been a professional bum for over 50 years. In April 2007, he officially announced his retirement as a bum, and has segued into a successful second career as a retired bum and part-time bum coach/advisor. Ironically, he’s busier now that he’s retired than he’s ever been in his entire life. NOTE: If you liked this article, spook on over towards When Gadgets Mate... the World Loses, Get to Know Our Resident Mime, and The Best Places to Beat the Heat... and Get Some at the Same Time!
