The Greatest Natural Disaster Causing Trades in Sports History!!!

By Stephany Ericson - stephany.ericson@hotmail.com

Comment on this article HERE.

As we all know humans are a move-around-grass-is-greener type species.

Anyone you know has vastly less loyalty than you think they have and they are probably making plans this very minute to upgrade from you to a better more attractive friend. It happened to me last July.

I’m sure I’m in the sub-conscious process of doing it now to someone in my life. (tonto…that reminds me… I got an e-mail from RealHumorBlog.com… they look awesome)

In the realm of human interaction, we actually call these upgrade techniques -cheating, sleeping around, being Gelicious, two-timing, lying, and Ica-like.

But in the realm of Sports it’s just called a Trade.

Some of you may have already noticed a huge difference in the two. Yes… in a Sports trade, each team gets something.

When sleeping around, or being Ica-like, only one party gets anything, and they usually get it all. Also, many times a person who has been Gelicioused… does not even know for a few months, which makes cleaning out your locker very awkward.

Since we are now focused on Sports instead of relationship blunders, let’s examine some of the greatest Sports trades ever… and how they caused natural disasters!

July 29th, 2008 - Dodgers Really Blue

Angels of Anaheim trade 1B Kotchman to the Braves of Atlanta for Teixeira, causing a magnitude 5.4 Earthquake in Diamond Bar, California.

Seems pretty routine, but this trade essentially ends the debate regarding which MLB team is THE team in Southern California!

Kent, Kemp, and even the King of Siam can’t really keep up any more with Mr. Moreno’s skill manipulation of switch hitting power to the vault of Orange County baseball fields.

The entire county of Los Angeles, frustrated with this upheaval of popularity, up and heaved.

News reports SAY… that the earthquake caused no discernable damage… but just look at any Dodger fan today and ask them who has the best defensive and offensive 1B in California?

The look on their faces will tell you that there has been irreparable damage because of their recent less than adequate acquisitions.



2002-2003 - Birds of Prescience

In a move that ruffles the feathers of ornithologists still today, the Atlanta Falcons traded Tim Dwight, Tay Cody, Reche Caldwell, and some running back named LaDanian to the San Diego Chargers for 1 player: Michael Vick.

Birds and dogs are good friends it seems. Falcons everywhere on the globe saw the future of this quarterback and in Poe like horror unleashed upon the Earth a disease meant to harm many humans.

Where did is strike? Where most of the humans are of course, China.

This is where the word Bird Brained comes from perhaps… if the birds had been truly brilliant they would have culled their prescience, consolidated their power and struck down ONLY Michael Vick a la’ a good old Hitchcockian bird maelstrom attack.



Remove Tippi… add Michael.



Potatoe Famine

Wayne Gretzky arrived in Los Angeles as a New King in 1988. He was traded for several players and a few years worth of future 1st round draft picks by the Oilers, who at the time were the dominant NHL team.

The absolute uproar caused by this trade caused 2 disasters.

Hurricane Gilbert(Jill Bear)… an angry French Canadian Hurricane (the 1st of it’s kind) went on a rampage and tried to flood Los Angeles, however in it’s drunken stupor fueled by tons and tons of Molson Ale Gilbert actually made landfall in Jamaica, destroying the entire island.

Damage was estimated at $157.00 (or $204.00 Canadian).

Senator Dan Quayle hedging a bet on the veracity of the theory that Gretzky would make others around him that much better, suggests during a Vice-Presidential debate with Lloyd Bentsen, that he has a much government experience as JFK did in 1960 when he ran for president.

Bentsen knew JFK… and Quayle, as we know now, was no JFK. Nor could he spell well, or take a joke for that matter.



A disaster by all accounts.

Tit for Tat

Late in the 18th Century, residents of the British Colonies became increasingly unhappy with the policies of the English King.

Although it is much more complicated than this, the colonists essentially traded Taxation without Representation for the Yoke of Self Determinism. It took the colonists new acquisition several years to clear it’s physical, and many thought that the trade was in danger of being cancelled along the way.

But, eventually the trade solidified in the minds of all.

Many horrible disasters can be attributed directly to this trade: Lewis and Clark College, Purchasing anything in Louisiana, Dime store novels, Dime stores, Dimes, Bumper stickers that read “Don’t Mess With Texas,” Mt. St Helens, Disneyland, Paris Hilton, “Media Day,” Beatrice, Edsel, Pinto, Gremlin, Jazzercise, American Idol, Internet Chiropractic Colleges, and of course, The Gong Show.



What are your favorite Trades that have caused Natural Disaster?

- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children's books (“The Low Down,” “Eat this for a Quarter,” and “Daddy has Stubble in Funny Places”). Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

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EliteXC - Unfinished Business - Fight Card Review

By Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com

Comment on this article HERE.

As many of you read yesterday, my entertainment plans for last Saturday were marred by accidentally ending my evening with the worst DVD ever… however, before that tragedy, I watched a great night of MMA fights and have compiled my premiere fight card review!

EliteXC put on their second card on CBS which was headlined by a rematch between champion Robbie Lawler and Scott Smith (their first fight ended in a no-contest after Smith was poked in the eye and couldn't continue).

Note: Only the main card fights were reviewed.

So, here's the basic criteria for me - It's a ten point grading scale, and I base my grades on relevance of fight, competitiveness of said fight, individual performances, and whether or not I'm entertained by the dang thing... in other words, it's a pretty subjective evaluation.

Rafael “Feijao” Calvancante (7-1) def. Travis Galbraith (15-6) TKO rd. 1 3:01

Most of the fight is spent along the fence with both guys jockeying for position in the clinch. Knees are traded but nothing of real significance lands. At the 2:45 mark, Calvancante lands a nice overhand right and follows with a knee from the clinch. Galbraith eats a few more on the chin and the ref stops the fight at 3:01 of the first round.

Fight Score: 4 out of 10

Antonio Silva (11-1) def Justin Eilers (20-8-1) TKO rd. 2 0:19 to win the EliteXC Heavyweight Title

If there’s one thing to learn from this fight… don’t go into a Heavyweight title fight weighing only 218lbs. against Antonio Silva who has to cut to make 265lbs. To Eilers’ credit, he’s come a long way from the guy who was best known as a highlight reel victim (and I know what that’s like) for Paul Buentello, Andrei Arlovski, and Brandon Vera.

Eilers does his best to make a fight out of it, but Silva is too much and finishes him off at :19 of round 2, claiming the vacant EliteXC Heavyweight crown.

Fight grade: 6 out of 10

Cristiane Santos (5-0) def. Shayna Baszler (9-5) TKO rd. 2 2:48

In the lone female fight of the night, a classic striker vs. grappler match up, Chris “Cyborg” was too big and too strong for Baszler. The fight played out on the feet where Cyborg had the advantage and pummeled Baszler. Though no fault of the fighters, there was a touch of controversy at the end of the fight when Cyborg dropped Bazler for the first time, referee Steve Mazzagatti jumped in as if to stop it and Cyborg backed off and celebrated as if she won.

Instead of calling the fight, Mazzagatti let it continue, which only resulted in Baszler eating another combination and crumbling against the fence for the final stoppage.

Fight grade: 8 out of 10

Jake Shields (21-4-1) def. Nick Thompson (36-10-1) Submission rd. 1 1:03 to win the EliteXC Welterweight Title

It only takes Shields 1:03 to end Thompson’s 12 fight win streak. Shields gets a single leg right away and passes to full mount. Thompson tries to buck, but Shield grabs a one armed guillotine choke. Shields ran a clinic on a very talented Thompson. Class dismissed.

Fight grade: 5 out of 10 – Great performance by Shields against Thompson who had nothing to offer in this fight.

Nick Diaz (18-7, 1NC) def. Thomas Denny (26-17) TKO rd. 2 0:30

In arguably the highest profile match of his long career, Denny brought everything he had against Diaz, but it wasn’t enough to win the fight. Denny went toe-to-toe in the first round with Diaz bringing everything he had on the feet and in the grappling exchanges. In the process though, he made the cardinal mistake of combat sports… getting tired.

In the second round, it was all Diaz who overwhelmed Denny with punches for the stoppage win.

Fight grade: 8 out of 10

Robbie Lawler def. Scott Smith TKO rd. 2 2:35 to retain the EliteXC Middleweight Title

In a rushed rematch of their May 31 fight, Lawler and Smith took to the cage once more to continue where their no contest first fight left off after an unintentional eye poke suffered by Smith.

Lawler opened the fight by patiently finding his range. The first round had plenty of competitive back and forth action between the two. In the second, Smith opened a huge cut with an elbow on top of Lawler’s head from the clinch, but Lawler ultimately wins the clinch battle and fight with knees to the body and head.

Fight grade: 8.5 out of 10.

Overall grade: 39.5 out of 60 = 6.6 out of 10

This card was a huge improvement over EliteXC premiere showing in May (which featured Kimbo Slice in the main event). Overall, the fights were entertaining from top to bottom and even in the fights with lower scores, there were solid performances from the winners.

- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.

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Family Guy Live in Vegas - The Worst DVD Ever

By Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com

Comment on this article HERE.

A lot of the time, I don’t have much to do on the weekend. Not always by choice, but sometimes, I just need a break. Tontoandfriends.com closes up shop and the writing staff doesn’t contact me unless they need something. Usually bail money (Vans, Linus), or a few bucks (Slocomb).

Once in a while I’m woke up at 2 AM by someone sobbing over the phone asking if I’ll come over. She always hangs up before she gives me her name an address, though I have my suspicions…

Anyway, Saturday night rolls around and I feel like getting my laugh on, if you will. Thankfully, my Netflix subscription had just the thing for me - Family Guy: Live in Las Vegas.



Man, I love me some Family Guy and Netflix must know that because on Thursday, I logged in and it was the first thing they recommended for me. I added it to my queue and life The Jeffersons, moved it on up to the top of my queue.

Saturday night was setting up to be a pretty awesome evening: not only were fights on (which I’ll review tomorrow for you), but I was going to end the evening with Family Guy.

One Problem: Family Guy: Live in Las Vegas is the worst DVD in history! It wasn't until later that I discovered that it was a DVD that came with the CD of the same name.

It wouldn't have killed Netflix to mention that little factoid in their description.

Like left hooks from Larry Holmes, let me count the many ways this “DVD” put me down for the count:

1. Length – It’s 17 freaking minutes long! That’s it. DVDs are meant to hold hours of content and they can’t even throw an episode length worth of footage on the disc?!

2. Content – The musical numbers on Family Guy are among the best parts of the show. The “highlight” of the DVD is a music video with Stewie doing a rap number.

Here’s a good Family Guy number:



What’s on that DVD is pure horror.

But at least there’s an interview with Family Guy creator, Seth McFarlane, right?

All you get is five minutes of him saying “uh” every other word. I would understand if he’d gone 15 rounds with Holmes – instead, it’s he’s just bored and looks like he would rather be elsewhere.

We’re “treated” to him lazily explaining how great this CD will be and he does a line or two of Peter’s voice. Yippie.

So between the video and the interview, that’s most of the DVD… oh wait, what about the behind the scenes footage?!

It’s there, but call me crazy, call me punch drunk, but a behind on the scenes on a video based on a cartoon is stupid because the cartoon, you know, the part that got me interested, is nowhere to be found.

If I cared about how some video ho liked performing with Stewie I’d… well, wait, I don’t care. Why would anybody?

And the grand finale. The day-new-mont. The main event – A commercial for American Dad.

I haven’t been this disappointed since back when I showed up at the Topeka City Fair and found out I was boxing a bear instead of a human being. The bear won a three round decision. It wasn’t sanctioned, so it’s not on my record.

I won $1,500, which translates into $50 per stitch I needed...

Length and Content. I guess it’s only a 1 – 2 punch. But still, it’s enough to knock someone out.

But hey, it’s not like this is the first time I’ve been let down by late night entertainment…

- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.

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Ted Nugent - Mime of the Month!

By Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com

Comment on this article HERE.

Hey.

Look, I know I didn’t nominate anybody for this prestigious award in June.

Here’s why:

Being an Honorary Mime of the Month is not some garden-variety honor that’s offered today and forgotten tomorrow.

It’s not a goddamned People’s Choice Award.

I’m not here to pick random, flash-in the-fucking-pan people. To be an honorary mime, you’ve got to be controversial, and have some staying power.

You’ve also got to be a little ugly. Mimes by and large are not attractive people; if they were, they’d be happier, and their work would suffer.

There’s an advanced screening process.

Candidates are monitored.

Their bodyguards are assaulted so I can sneak around their houses, steal a few things that catch the eye.

Consider this award the Nobel Prize for being a badass.

Now, without further adieu, let’s welcome July’s Honorary Mime of the Month, Ted Nugent!

Here are the criteria once more on qualities judged for the award:

- Personality

- Criminal Intent

- Artistic Passion

- Cruelty

- Fighting Style

Personality: Ted Nugent’s personality is like gargling with broken glass. No matter how careful you are, you’re bound to get a little hurt.

Ted’s not really a verbal assassin, so to speak, but he is thorough; if you’re a Democrat or an animal lover or any one of the people on his shit list, he’ll be sure to offer you the chance to suck on his machine gun.



Criminal Intent: Time for a nice, tender slice of irony pie, children. Ted’s panties are in a huge twist over drugs and alcohol. He tends to overlook the fact that people like me don’t take drugs because it’s cool.

We do it to suppress the urge to stab people in the eye with a salad fork.



However, even with his strong anti-drug stance, Ted’s got a few criminal tricks up his sleeve, such as owning a ranch which caters towards “canned hunts,” which is a pretty poetic way of saying that rich, bloated people get to play weekend warrior by shooting at animals that have been drugged to the point of being comatose.

Oh, and he once became the legal guardian of his 17–year old girlfriend just so he could have sex with her.

Hats off to that!

Artistic Passion: Here’s where Ted earns a place as an Honorary Mime. I tell you, there is nothing finer than getting drunk off your ass on furniture polish and killing a man with your bare hands while listening to Nugent’s “Stranglehold.”



No matter what you make of Nugent, he’s got a way with a guitar, and the sheer insanity required to make a bit of art with the tools he’s got.

Cruelty: If you’re an avid outdoorsman, and quite the reactionary man, being cruel just comes with the territory. It’s like blaming a guillotine for chopping off heads – that’s what it was made for, people.



Nugent was not born, he was delivered fully formed, tongue full of hate, and with a gun in each hand.

Fighting Style: Compound bow. Sure, you could sit there and laugh at him for not using something a little more old-fashioned.



But, by that time, you’d be ventilated by a few well-placed arrows, and the Nuge would be using your corpse for target practice.

Love Ted Nugent?

Hate him?

Send me a comment!

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

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Film Review - The Dark Knight

By Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com

Comment on this article HERE.

Most of the time, there’s nothing worse than going to see a movie on opening weekend with a theater full of fucktard teenagers. Unfortunately, that’s my only choice these days as I’m no longer invited to press screenings. Turns out they have this rule about showing up drunk… guess they frown upon that.

They also don’t like when you tell them, “how in the fuck else do you expect me to sit through a Mike Myers film?”

Like everyone else last weekend, I made my way out to see The Dark Knight.



Right off the bat, you buy your ticket and then they have you stand in line like you’re in a bank. God damn, I hate standing in lines. Human beings aren’t meant for that. Out of nowhere, a bunch of jerks wearing some fake ass emo outfits start cutting in line, pushing people around, and just being overall dicks.

Some clown with dyed hair, clear mental insufficiencies, and thrift store chic clothes arrives. He’s clearly the leader of this pack of dick holes. Once they secure his spot in line, he gets rid of them one-by-one:

"Go park my Vespa."
"Get me some cigarettes."
"I’ll hold your tickets for you."

The henchmen disperse and the line starts to move. By the time we’re in the theater, the henchmen are gone. Sucks to be them. Pretty clever move by this clown. In fact, I’m impressed.

As people take their seats this same guy keeps messing with everyone. The more he disrupts everyone’s movie going experience, the more and more I’m becoming a real fan of this guy. He doesn’t care about robbing people for money or anything mundane like that, he just wants to fuck things up for the sake of fucking them up.

Naturally, it doesn’t take long for some rich guy who thinks he’s the shit to try and put an end to the anarchy. You know the type - the guy who thinks that his wealth makes him obligated to be in charge of everything; he tells really stupid, unfunny, obnoxious jokes and instead of being an asshole, people call it charming; and he drives some big noisy SUV that destroys everything it touches. That guy.

So rich guy stands up to try and be the hero, but even he knows that people are just as sick of his type as they are the clown… the only difference is that the clown is entertaining as all hell and doesn’t talk with a phony voice like he’s the front man for some Norwegian metal band.

In fact, if they gave out Oscars for anarchic destruction, this clown guy should win one. Or be nominated at the very least.

The previews gets underway and there’s something about mobsters and their money with the cops tracing it or some crap; there’s something that looks like a Bond movie set in Hong Kong; and then some romantic comedy about a woman who can’t choose between the guy she used to love who was probably her true love and the new guy who’s everything that would impress mom. Too bad he’s boring as fuck.

There’s a part where he gets his face burned with coffee, giving him the excuse to be the douche bag we always suspected he was. I mean, c’mon, if you met someone whose best personality gimmick was flipping a two-headed coin all the time, you’d tell him to take that shit back to the frat house.

Anyway, the movie really gets underway and rich guy is still trying to stop the clown from ruining the film for everyone else. He threatens to get the ushers involved, but really, what the hell are they going to do? Like always, they’re corrupt and you can’t trust them. Bunch of underpaid jagoffs who just want to show the movie and go home. Getting involved isn't in their job description.

AT one point, rich guy decides to give up on stopping the clown with the hope that when he stops, so will the clown. At that point, smug do gooder gets involved in the mess, and he only succeeds in fucking things up more, so rich guy has to get back involved in the mess.

What rich guy fails to realize is that the more he responds to people like this, the more people like this crazy clown become problems just for the sake of raising hell. If this were a movie, they’d call that irony or something.

Ultimately, the agent of chaos always wins in situations like this. You can't reason with them. You can't predict what they'll do next. The only way to defeat an agent of chaos is to become one yourself, which is precisely the goal of the agent of chaos... to create more fucking chaos!

Eventually, the smug do gooder does what rich guy won't and turns into a raving looney just like the guy in the stupid preview. He goes bat shit nuts and when the cops finally get called into the situation, rich guy decides to take the heat thinking that he can hide behind his money. Fucking rich people... thinking their money insulates them from who they truly are.

In rich guy's case, he'll be back. He always is.

In a few years, there's going to be another movie premiere that everyone wants to see. Mark my words, there's either going to be a greasy pale fat guy whose going to squak through the whole damn thing, a variation on this clown type who talks through the whole thing by asking questions that make no sense, or some sexy chick who brings her damn cats to the theater and lets them run wild.

Hopefully, they don't all show up at the same time. That would really be a nightmare...

When the inevitable happens, rich guy will return and he'll still just as much of a dick as the people he's trying to stop.

But yeah, back to The Dark Knight. It’s a pretty damn good film.

4.5 stars for The Dark Night.

- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.

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Sports on Stephany - In Praise of Sporting Men

By Stephany Ericson - stephany.ericson@hotmail.com

The male of our species commonly, and even sometimes rightly, gets a bad rap in our little half of the world.

After all, they are slightly more lascivious, are possessed of at least a tiny bit more avarice, and quite frankly are influence whores well above and beyond that of any lady I know, present company excluded, of course.

But in the last few decades of Western Civilization, we women folk have made great strides toward being equal with men in many respects.

For example, I personally know a woman who can lie as convincingly as Mephistopheles.

Also, I have heard and seen women on the freeway curse and carry on with upper-arm gesticulations exactly like my father did when he was driving. These are but a few signs that we are heading toward full and total equality with men.

We are, however, not there yet!

In the world of sport, which is so often the primary mirror we hold up to nature -one can look to see the true visage of human culture there. This week there were stunning examples of the lead men still take.

Examples that we of the fairer sex can learn and apply to our lives in quiet hope that we too shall one day be as majestic as the HE.

No Tickee, NO VISA

In a move made possible only through the strength of being not only a man... but a Chinese man, U.S. Olympic Women’s Gymnastic team alternates were not issued visas to enter China. The U.S. team is among those favored to win a possible gold medal.

In a stunning coincidence so too is the women’s team from China.

Only a very strong Chinese man deep within the administration of Chinese Gymnastics Association would calculate that denying tourist visas to the alternates on the U.S. team would in fact exponentially increase the chances that the Chinese women will prevail.

I know we are already in hock up to our round eyes, but perhaps the U.S. Olympic Committee can persuade this genius to go to bat for us regarding keeping the Brazilian basketball team in Rio come the medal round.

As for Gymnastics… we can’t touch this.



Motorcity Madhouse

Many of you know that my favorite musician is a Mr. Theodore Nugent.

His sweet songs of potential love in the outdoors always send this girl a swoonin... He is a MAN!

And he’s from Detroit.

Plenty of men pretenders from there as well - the 8Mile mouth, Kid rap, and Allison Barrel Maker. Last night, once again when things needed a MAN, one showed up.

Tempers flared in a Women’s National Basketball Association game between the LA Sparks and the Detroit Shock; elbows were thrown & benches emptied. But when things got too out of hand a Detrot Piston(ret.) showed up to throw to the ground anyone who would dare mess up the finely tuned action of the WNBA.

He took control of the situation Bad Boy style! What a MAN!!



Row, Row, Row

Formula 1 racing is an incredibly entertaining sport. Now that females are racing too, many more men watch. I guess the prospect of seeing a woman in her tight-fitting, but skimpy, racing tunic is a time honored tradition.

Oh boy!!

Now I bring this up because last week during practices for the Honda Indy 200, Venezuelan driver Milka Duno was driving too slow for Danica Patrick.

The latter went to the pit area and served verbal notice that she was not happy.



BORING

This clip needs MEN to show us how to have a pit confrontation.



Well, I hope you all have a great week.

Hopefully you’ll remember to salute a MAN this week, as they really have done a great job in making our world a great place in general and our sports lives really, really fun.

- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children’s books such as
“This Belongs to You”, “Gordita Runs the Marathon” and “Artist Schmartist GO GET A JOB!”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.

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Tontoandfriends.com MMA Rankings (7/22/08)

By Tonto Balboa tontobalboa@hotmail.com

Comment on this article HERE.

As a former heavyweight boxer who learned his trade in fisticuffs from the hailed halls of the "old school," I've been reticent about expousing myself as an MMA fan.

But hey, desperate times call for desperate measures.

With Vans covering film, Stephany covering sports, and the rest of the staff doing their own thing, I figured it was time for me to cover what I know best: the fight game!

With three major events this past weekend, Affliction: Banned, Dream 5, and UFC Fight Night 14, what better time than now, right?

As a former heavyweight contender, I know a thing or ten about top ten rankings. I know what goes into creating traditional rankings: bribes, organized crime, and who can sell tickets.

But not here at Tontoandfriends.com.

To make a long story short, our rankings are based on recent achievements, quality of competition, and plenty of intangibles that can be summed up basically as my own damn opinion.

Rankings current as of 7/22/08.

Feel free to comment on our rankings HERE.

Heavyweight
1. Fedor Emilianenko (28-1, 1 NC) - After dismantling Tim Sylvia in :36, there's no doubt he's the top dog
2. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira (31-4-1, 1 NC)
3. Randy Couture (16-8)
4. Andrei Arlovski (13-5)
5. Josh Barnett (26-5)
6. Fabricio Werdum (11-3-1)
7. Tim Sylvia (26-6)
8. Gabriel Gonzaga (9-3)
9. Cheick Kongo (11-4-1)
10. Mirko Filipovic (23-6-2)

Light Heavyweight
1. Forrest Griffin (22-4) - When you own the undisputed title, you're #1
2. Quinton Jackson (28-7)
3. Lyoto Machida (13-0)
4. Chuck Liddell (21-5)
5. Wanderlei Silva (32-8-1, 1 NC)
6. Mauricio Rua (16-3)
7. Dan Henderson (22-7)
8. Rameau Sokoudjou (5-2)
9. Keith Jardine (13-4-1)
10. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira (14-3)

Middleweight
1. Anderson Silva (22-4) - Is there any doubt?!
2. Paulo Filho (16-0)
3. Rich Franklin (23-3, 1 NC)
4. Dan Henderson (22-7)
5. Robbie Lawler (16-4, 1 NC)
6. Thales Leites (13-1)
7. Yushin Okami (22-4)
8. Nathan Marquardt (26-8-2)
9. Yoshihiro Akiyama (11-1, 2 NC)
10. Melvin Manhoef (22-4-1)


Welterweight
1. Georges St. Pierre (16-2) - See Anderson Silva
2. Jon Fitch (16-2, 1 NC)
3. Thiago Alves (15-3)
4. Jake Shields (20-4-1)
5. Josh Koscheck ((11-2)
6. Diego Sanchez (19-2)
7. Matt Hughes (42-7)
8. Carlos Condit (22-4)
9. Matt Serra (9-5)
10. Karo Parisyan (18-5)

Lightweight
1. BJ Penn (13-4-1)
2. Takanori Gomi (28-3, 1 NC)
3. Eddie Alvarez (15-1)
4. Joachim Hansen (19-7-1)
5. Shinya Aoki (17-3, 1 NC)
6. Gesias Calvancanti (14-2-1, 1 NC)
7. Josh Thomson (15-2, 1 NC)
8. Sean Sherk (32-3-1)
9. Gilbert Melendez (14-2-0)
10. Kenny Florian (9-3)

- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.

NOTE: If you liked this article, check out our sports archive, our film archives, or our ask a pirate archives!!!

Ask a Pirate - On Rejection, Becoming a First Mate, and Curses!!!

By Melvin the Pirate

Comment on this article HERE.

Ahoy, mateys!

It’s a ripe, wicked heat that’s wreaking havoc across the land, and ye best take care on the fluids ye drink.

Sure, a fair cup ‘o grog is a fine gift for a tongue, but the taste does little to help the body. Be sure and drink ye water, and wear head coverin’s whenever possible.

The heat will make a man do murderous things to one another.

Tempers will flare over who misplaced the captain’s ivory sextant, fights will emerge over somethin’ as small as a dead-eyed stare.

In me eyes, the only thing worse than simple folk hurting one another without cause is when they put pen to paper and try to make each other bleed with their cowardly laws.

A true pirate honors no laws but their own proper code of ethics. Respect to all creatures, except when survival is necessary.

Take California, for instance. A fair state, just recently offering the proper right for its creatures to marry, no matter what swabs ‘o flesh circumstance tossed upon ye.

But that hellacious California heat has left some of its land-lovers stark mad, and they’ve gone forth with the idea to put a Marriage Protection Act on the November ballot.

Hear me pirates, and hear me well!

‘Tain’t some ring and a few pretty words from someone dressed in shiny robes that makes a marriage.

Ye may know that I, a fierce and red-blooded male pirate, have loved and cherished my male partner, Hiram, for nigh on thirty years.

Marriage means a joined life together, determined to give one another the best ye have.

So rise up, me pirates! Strike down this weak and frightened proposition come November, and show those land-lovers what it means to be truly free!

Let’s take a look now at the mail bag:

Dear Jungian Pirate Therapist,

I really like this girl at work. I asked her out, though, and she turned me down. Now I can’t stop crying. What do I do?

Morose in Montana

Well, Morose, it looks like yer life is over.

Time to unsheathe yer blade, point its ugly end towards yer gut, and press hard until the darkness comes.

Or, ye can continue to live, me sensitive one. Just because some wench doesn’t fancy your treasures doesn’t mean others won’t enjoy them. Why don’t ye spend some time and get to like yerself for a while?

Love is like a crow at midnight: just because ye don’t see it, don’t mean it’s not right in front of ye face. Ye just got to relax and master the difficult art of liking the creature ye are, and soon the call ‘o love will be heard.

Dear Melvin,

I’ve been the ship’s cook for six years now, and now that there’s an opening to be first mate, I’d like to try to the position. How can I make meself stand out from the competition?

Hopkins the Cook

Well, Hopkins, I think a good captain looks for honesty in a first mate.

Pure, brutal honesty.

While a captain has to be the vibrant heart and soul of a vessel, the first mate is the brains and circulation system. They plan out the major attacks and lootings, and make sure all information is properly passed out to the crew.

In yer interview, look yer captain square in the eye and tell them ye exist to make them look as proper and valiant as they are. If their dress be shabby or their table manners a bit sloppy, let them know – in private. Working ye mouth off in this manner within earshot of the crew will earn ye a dagger in the eye.

Dear Melvin,

Help! Every time I try to pillage neighboring cities, I freeze up and can’t think of proper curses to yell at the people. They end up laughing at me, and don’t give up their valuables. How can I make them fear me?

Tongue-tied in Tora Tora

Here’s a quick tip, Tongue-Tied. If ye wits aren’t strong enough to bring fire and reckonin’ to ye threats, why not use other people’s words?

I find poetry to work pretty well when it comes to confusing and scaring people into parting with their fine and priceless gems.

William Blake is a good poet to use. Write down any old phrase he has on ye sleeve, and just shout them at people and shake ye sword.

Also, this poem by Stephen Crane is the perfect kind of evil ye need to make plundering a success:

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said: "Is it good, friend?"
"It is bitter-bitter," he answered;
"But I like it
Because it is bitter,
And because it is my heart."

Got a question? Send me a comment!

- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.

NOTE: If you enjoyed this article, get your booty on with Tontoandfriends.com's Ask a Pirate Archives, ourfilm review/article archives, and last but not least our political article archive!!! Funny stuff awaits ye!

Time for a Summer Vacation

Hey everyone.

Just want to let you all know that your favorite site in the world, Tontoandfriends.com, is taking a week break.

We'll be back with fresh comedy on 7/21.

In the meantime, go vote in our poll and tell us what you want more of here at the site.

Have a good week... and if you hear from Linus, I'm not available for bail money. Call Bustamante or The Schmooz.

As always, stay away from Stephany.

- Tonto Balboa
Editor (and Chief)
Tontoandfriends.com

John McCain - The Tontoandfriends.com Interview

By Slocomb Jones

Comment on this interview HERE.

As I’ve dabbled in politics myself, I felt I was the only one qualified to sit down with a fellow fella of the political fairway, Sen. John McCain.



I’m sure that plenty of you are aware that McCain has a special part of his Straight Talk Express fancy jet airplane designated especially for reporters to conduct interviews. Though a bit of fancy reporting and persuasion, I managed my way on the Express. Here’s our conversation… as best as I can remember.

Slocomb Jones: Thanks for your time, Senator.

Senator John McCain: You’re welcome, my friend… I didn’t catch your name… or your news outfit.

SJ: I’m Slocomb Jones. I’m from www.tontoandfriends.com.

SJM: Never heard of them, my friend.

SJ: Techinically, they’re Tonto’s friends.

SJM: Who?

SJ: Schmooz, Linus, Stephany, Vans, and Bustamante. Them’s Tonto’s friends.

SJ: Have you heard of the Internet?

SJM: Yes.

SJ: We’re on there.

SJM: Okay, okay. How’d you get to this part of the Express?

SJ: In my former line of work, a man has to know how to… well, get on his knees and praise the big guy, if you catch my drift.

SJM: Well, that’s good to hear that I can answer a man’s prayers, my friend.

SJ: Prayers? Who’s talking about prayers? I was talking about sucking you security guard’s ding-a-ling-a-lang.

SJM: You kids and your slang.

SJ: I’m no kid. One time, I was in Vietnam.

SJM: You were? What Platoon? When did you serve, my friend?

SJ: It’s a long story…

SJM: Tell me about it, my friend.

SJ: Well, Okay… one time, I was sleeping down by the dock. Don’t remember why, but next thing I know some guys throw a tarp over me, and cover my face with a rag that stunk to high hell. Next thing I know, it’s three days later and I’m in some sort of wrestling ring with about two hundred people getting ready to watch me and some other professional play roulette. We never got around to the game. My opponent got so tired of waiting that he started crying and shot himself in the head.

SJM: My friend, I too have some experience in Viet-

SJ: Stop trying to change the subject, politician man. Let’s get to the questions. I’m officially retired, but I still need to make a living, so I have to make some spare change here and there. Do I have to report that income? How much are you going to tax me?

SJM: My friend, you have to report all income to the IRS, first and foremost. I’m not going to raise your taxes, my friend.

SJ: Good. Taxes are for people with permanent addresses.

SJM: Who let you on my plane again, my friend?

SJ: I find that people in those smaller electric cars are more willing to help a guy who’s down on his luck, whereas people in those big SUVs won’t help a guy out with some spare change, so what are your plans to lower gas prices to help out the working man on the corner?

SJM: We’re going to drill offshore which should increase the supply, my friend.

SJ: One time, a leggy blond woman approached me and was saying some jibber-jabber about wanting a ride on the wild side and was bored with her rich suburban life and we went at it right there in the alley. Afterwards, she started crying about the biggest mistake of her life. What’s your advice on how to maintain a solid relationship with a woman?

SJM: Well, my friend… I find that the moment they get ugly, I skip town for an upgrade. Should that upgrade get lippy with me, I put that cunt in place, my friend.

SJ: One time, I was drinking pain thinner straight outta the bucket until my eyes turned black. I started seeing all these midgets right in front of my face. They were pretty durn scary. If elected President, what steps would you take to fight the war on midgets?

SJM: Midgets, eh? Midgets are dirty people who will stoop to whatever lows they have to in their attempt to take our freedom. Whatever is necessary, my friend. Whatever is fucking necessary.

SJ: What’s your favorite way to make someone cry?

SJM: I find a good insult is the best way. Take some personal information shared in a moment of trust and hold it over their head. Guaranteed tears, my friend.

SJ: Could you spare a little change?

SJM: You want some change? Go talk to the black guy, my friend.

- Slocomb Jones has been a professional bum for over 50 years. In April 2007, he officially announced his retirement as a bum, and has segued into a successful second career as a retired bum and part-time bum coach/advisor. Ironically, he’s busier now that he’s retired than he’s ever been in his entire life.

NOTE: If you enjoyed this interview, check out The Top Subliminal Messages Ever, The Collapse of The English Language, and Fun Ways to Score at a Holiday Party!!!

CRIME IS A LAUGHING MATTER: DO’S AND DON’TS FOR CHECK FRAUD

By Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com

Comment on this article HERE.

Hey.

Had a pretty lucrative weekend because of the 4th of July holiday.

On the one hand, the city takes away my performance space so they can put a fucking Ferris wheel in the center of town. Nothing says patriotism like a bunch of people going nowhere in a big circle jerk.

On the other hand, robbing people is painfully simple when fireworks are going off every five seconds and nobody can hear them scream.

Ying with the yang, you know?

Look, I’m gonna write this article today about check fraud as a public service to all you Internet nerds who think slipping the bank a mickey is gonna lead you on the fast track to riches.

I know the type: you’ve watched Catch me if You Can too many times, and it looks so easy. A phenomenal way to use your wits to cheat big businesses out of some dough.

Sure, the scary French prison scenes looked bad, but as long as you keep your misdeeds in the US, you won’t get caught, right?

Wrong.

Here’s some tips I’ve decided to offer you, not to be kind, but to make sure when you commit a crime, you do it right:

Don’t Do It - What do you think happened to all those whiz kids who decided to buck the system and steal from banks?

They write anti-check fraud programs now.

When you think about it, check fraud is not worth the time and effort it takes to make counterfeit checks in order to get money out of a bank. You’re better off using the time practicing the best way to render a victim unconscious before you can remove their kidneys.

Really, Don’t Do it - I’m serious. Give up your dreams of robbing from big business!

Go steal a car, dress up like a doctor, and steal prescription drugs from a hospital; sell jars of Kool-Aid to the Red Cross and tell them it’s plasma.

You really don’t want to give a bank security guard a perfect opportunity to shoot you in the face.

Fine, If You’re Gonna Do It, Be Smart About It - Are you aware of the phrase, “don’t shit where you eat?”

Well, don’t steal from the same bank you frequent as a customer. Showing up the following week to withdraw money you’ve stolen from the bank only puts you at greater risk of getting caught, you idiot!

Keep Moving - You want to do check fraud as a living? You’ve got to travel, son.

This also means using checks with routing branches as far away from where you deposit them. That will buy you time as the bank forwards them to the routing branch to make sure the money’s there.

By the time the error is found, you’ll be long gone.

Reinvent Yourself - You’re gonna need a host of aliases and disguises if you want to make check fraud last for the long haul.

Also, since you’re gonna be on the bank’s video cameras, you’ll need to work with altering your voice on each occasion, along with changing key fashion characteristics.

No Accomplices - They will fucking end you. Enough said.

Have Some Goddamn Common Sense - I’m taking to you, Charles Ray Fuller!

Walking into a bank with your girlfriend’s checkbook and making a check for three hundred sixty BILLION dollars in your name will never, ever, ever work!

Expect to ask for no more than about eight hundred dollars per bank. And, since checks are never written in whole numbers, make your deposit for something like $793.53, so it looks more legit.

Any other ideas on how to make check fraud work for you?

Send me a comment!

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.

NOTE: If you liked this article, forge your way over towards Pregnancy Pacts Are For Suckers, How to Spot a Hipster, and Great New Upcoming Political Scandals!!!

Film Review - Hancock - When Good Films Go Bad

By Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com

Comment on this article by clicking HERE.

Have you ever met someone who used to be a really funny drunk?

I mean really funny... until they decided to “better their life” and give up the sauce. All of sudden, they stop being fun to hang out with.

Sorta like a band that made some killer records when they first started out and were neck deep in the vices that come with success. I mean good for them that they kicked the habit and all, but damn, the music sure starts to suck, right? (Minor Threat is the one exception to this).

This leads me to Hancock, Will Smith’s most recent summer blockbuster film.



Smith is the title character, who happens to have superpowers… and who also happens to straight up not give a fuck. With the barrage of mediocre superhero films over the past decade… to be honest, has there ever been another film genre that has so consistently been lacking… anyway, the premise of a superhero who’s a drunk and doesn’t care is a really good idea.

To the film’s credit, it’s at its best when Hancock destroys freeways, cusses out spectators, and pounds his hooch. Then he makes the mistake of saving Ray Embry (Jason Bateman) from being smashed by a train. Ray is failing public relations spokesman with some lame idea about saving the planet by putting a logo on corporate products.

It’s amazing though that a struggling businessman bagged himself a hot wife, drives a BMW, and lives in a swanky pad out in the valley. It’s one of those many little details that the writers and director of Hancock glossed over.

So, to get a thin contrived plot rolling, Embry wants to makeover Hancock as a media friendly superhero in return for saving his life. Bateman does his best to be Mr. Altruism, but it just rings phony.

I don’t believe for a second that a PR salesman does anything that isn’t intended to affect their bottom line. Period.

Despite being a genuine asshole, Embry’s “gosh-darned wide-eyed” son loves Hancock, while Embry’s wife, Mary, wants nothing to do with Hancock. It doesn’t take many scenes to figure out what Mary’s secret is and when it’s revealed, we’re treated to a whole lot of special effects… but very little explanation.

They do attempt to explain the back story between Hancock and Mary and the origin of his superpowers, but it’s as loose as a pent up virgin on prom night. Basically, it boils down to the filmmakers saying, “Umm, Hancock has powers… uh, well… he just fucking has them, OK?!”

To repair Hancock’s public image, Embry persuades Hancock to voluntarily go to prison and that once LA sees how bad crime is without him, they’ll beg for his release.

You see, these salesman types always have a plan that basically involves tricking people and inspiring fear, yet the audience is supposed to empathize with this pond scum fuck of a con man.

Hancock agrees and finds himself in prison where, for some reason, the prisoners think they’re going to have their way with him because Hancock put most of them in there. They must have forgot that he’s an alcoholic with super-fucking-powers, making him the last guy they’d want to have a rematch with. As a result, in what is the final funny scene in the film, Hancock shoves a guy’s head up someone else’s ass.

It would’ve been more effective if the marketing assholes hadn’t given it away in every preview for the film…

As the plot would dictate, crime gets worse and Hancock gets the call to be released. To further show that Hancock is a reformed man, the filmmakers have him shave his poorly grown facial hair.

If they were going for shitty played out metaphors, why not have him take a shower to “wash away” his demons, or show him doing sit ups and push ups in a power-ballad montage. If you’re going to be a lazy fucking storyteller, then by god, don’t phone it in!

Eventually, a villain is plucked out of thin air and is ultimately as threatening as a Mormon on a ten-speed. The real danger comes from some cockeyed mythology about how superheroes can’t be near one another, otherwise they become mortal or some crap like that.

Whatever. By the time they tried ex