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by Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com

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Tattoos in boxing are about as common as blind judges (the one who must've had something in his eye for rounds 2-10) and low blows.

Typically, boxers have a highly particular set of tattoos to choose from. On a walk through any boxing gym you'll normally see the following tattoos: a few crosses, some boxing gloves, plenty of female names/regrets, and portraits of family members (which make excellent targets, by the way).

As my blossoming MMA writing career is taking off, I've noticed that tattoos are a prominent aspect of MMA culture as well - barbed wire, skulls, and intimidating words are common MMA tattoos. However, I've discovered one image that seems to be unique to MMA'ers: the penis tattoo! As such, here's a compilation of the top 10 penis tattoos in MMA:  

1. Katusushimi Kagnurasuki - A regular in the RINGS promotions, Kagnurasuki made the unfortunate error of drunkenly sleeping with the wife of a Yakuza member. The payback was simple, lose it or get it tattooed on you face. Kagnurasuki chose the latter.  

2. Jack Partridge - A longtime veteran of the "Midwest Beat 'Um Till They're Comatose Hardcore Cage Fighting Championships!", intimidation was the name of Partridge's game. Whereas many tough guys will tattoo words on their knuckles like, "born evil," "thug life," "love pain," and so on, Partridge took this to the extreme by getting "cock" and "dong" on his right and left hand knuckles respectively. He was fond of saying in pre-fight interviews, "Man, tonight, I'm 'onna slang my cock and dong upside my opponent's face. All it takes is one shot from my [looks down at hand] left dong, and it's nighty-night, sugar lips!" Unfortunately, Partridge's opponents got very good at dodging his strikes.
 
3. Ricky "Fair Call" Vasquez - A once up-and-coming referee making his name across the European MMA scene, Vasquez was known for calling fights right down the middle. One night in October 1998, while in an Irish pub, he boasted, "If I blow a call, I'll let any motherf***er in here do whatever they want to me!" Later that night, he missed a groin shot in a prelim fight at "O'Mickey's Brawl in The Town Square XV." The boys from the pub decided it would be best to tattoo a groin shot of their own on his palm. He never missed another shot, nor reffed ever again.
 
4. Brock Lesnar - Unfortunately, this is the only entry where photographic evidence exists. Take a look as Lesnar brilliantly combines erotic and violent imagery in a haunting, threatening, yet strangely comforting work of art. A stunning piece of modern art that is at one moment a social, post-feminist commentary on the flesh-plunger as a weapon, and the other moment, a sterling threat to unsuspecting opponents as to the world of hurt they've entered into.

 
5. Gabe Silva - In Brazil, manhood and religion is everything, and "Lutre Gusto Vale Tudo Grande Fighting Championships" lightweight Gabe Silva took that charge to the extreme. Many fighters acknowledge that much of their internal as well as external strength comes from the Lord, but Silva made sure everyone know just how serious he was by mixing religious iconography and some phat genetalia. I'd describe it, but you're better off using your sick imagination. Let's just say that, if Silva's art is to be taken at face value, it must've been difficult to keep the King of Kings on the cross with those bowling balls weighing him down.  

6. Marcus Dreanster - Oh, the teasing Dreanster must've endured as a youth. He was born with a birth mark on his throat that looked liked a "seven-inch thrilla." To compensate for his birth mark, he got the lettering (in very cool Olde English), "No! It's Not a Penis on My Throat! It's no wonder that having such a birth mark would push someone towards fighting as a pro. After starting his career off with a 3-11 record, Dreanster called it career.  

7. Darryl Jameson - Not a fighter per se, but an early manager based out of southern California who briefly operated an agency. As a promotional tool, Jameson got a "big black negotiator" inked on his foot so that he could "kick these promoters in the ass and make sure they feel it but good!" He was out of business in six months, but the legacy remains.

8. Billy Schmidts - A local fighter based in the north-west, Schmidts served time in federal prison for an undocumented assortment of crimes. Upon parole, people commented on what looked like a rare form of ringworm on his arm. Despite several appeals, Schmidts had a hard time being sanctioned by several state athletic commissions, and as a result, now fights under an assumed name in amatuer fights in Texas. Turns out, he was simply branded with a schlong-a-dingy by a prison gang.

9. Erica Sanderson - Another fighter from "back in the day," Erica fought on a few late 90s in the "Punch, Kick, Bleed, Die" shows on a California Indian reservation. Sanderson sported a throbbing wang on her lower back with the caption, "If this intimidates you... you don't want to know what else I've toyed with down their!" Yes, that typo is how it's inked.  

10. Rick Jodoin - Best know for his brawl with "hula" stylist Maloiki Tam on the undercard of UFC 2, Rick boasts a shriveled dinky on his shoulder disguised in some barbed wire. Footage of this fight doesn't exist, so stop looking... perv.  

- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.

NOTE: If you enjoyed this expose, there's more in store (hey, that rhymes!) in our Sports Article Archive. Wanna get down with some comics? Look no further than our Web Article Archive. Moving images more your thang? Take a look at our Film Article Archive!!!

by Linus, The Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com  

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- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.  

NOTE: If you liked this comic, there's a few more in our Internet Article Archive. Want to read some great film writing? Good thing we have our Film Review Archive. What about politics? Well, what about them?! Keep up to date with what's going on with our Political Article Archive!!!

by Stephany Ericson? - stephany.ericson@hotmail.com  

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Dearest Readers of Sports on Stephany,

Today’s article marks my 46th with Tontoandfriends.com. 46 is a number dear to my heart. It was the number of total goals my High School Field Hockey team scored in the Ohio State Tournament; it is the number of nieces and nephews I have; and of course it is the number of happy pills I have left until tomorrow’s visit to Rite Aid.

All sports are about numbers. The number of “0’s” in the contract that your agent secures for you, the number of Escalades you have in your garage(s), the number of table settings needed at dinner for you posse’. And yes... the number of catches, TD’s, home runs, goals, assists, stones curled, etc. that one can compile per season.

We are a nation of stat loving Sports Freaks!

With that in mind, coupled with the brevity and levity of the recent “COMIC” trend here at Tonto and Friends, let’s go behind the edifice’s of some recent big numbers in the world of sports (what is the plural of edifice? Edifixen? Edifeces? Ediflogs?).

Four Score and Three plus Two
Chad Johnson of the fearsome Cincinnati Bengals

football club… the TOP PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM in all of Ohio… has recently changed his name. His choice of new name is brilliant, in one fell swoop capturing not only the iconic number of the year that the greatest football team ever Shuffled into the Super Bowl, but also his very own uniform # and, by a curious coincidence, his IQ score.

Go 85!! Go, Ocho Cinco, Go!

Repechage
Another top sports figure has also recently made changes to his appearance. He was once dressed in the colors of Fall… but found that he liked them only when there was no scrutiny upon his unique style of playing baseball.

So, he changed to the blues of West Coast mediocrity where style is much more highly valued over his shallow substance. He should do just fine. His numbers have been among the best in all of baseball... he has lead the league for years in misplayed balls to left field, base-running gaffes, and on field pizza ordering. Here he points to his smallest organ.



It’s way up there.

The New Math
For the last decade, one team in baseball has dominated like no other. Many teams got close, but not even one franchise could duplicate the absolute craptastic record of the former Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Last place or worse every year of their existence.

Over 100 losses a few times… just awful. But, again... with a change… this time of name… things are looking better. Now the Tampa Bay Rays are among the best in all of baseball. And their fans are showing their love.

Just look!



Can you imagine the noise? Like an encore at a Milli Vanilli show! Way to go FANS OF TAMPA BAY!!

Ciao4now, OneHundredSitxyThree  

- OneHundredSitxyThree is an award winning author of children’s books such as “You Beat That on Expert?”, “Momma Don’t Dance and Daddy is a Mime” and “Artist Schmartist GO GET A JOB!”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.  

NOTE: If you liked this sportular (just invented a new word!) account, there's more in our Sports Archives. If you liked it and have had enough sports for one day, there's plenty going on in our Political Archives. Finally, you can check out the Comics that OneHundredSitxyThree was talking about in our Internet Article Archive!!!

by Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com
& The Schmooz - theschmooz@hotmail.com  

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- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.  

- Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship...as he is an expert, baby.  

NOTE: If you liked this comic, you can check out A Comic Starring Linus, The Angry Mime. Or, if you're more of a "reader," there's our Sports Article Archive or our Music Article Archive!!!

by Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com  

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[NOTE FROM THE CHIEF: I'm excited to announce that we hooked up with a great new digital/graphic artist to create new web comics for tontoandfriends.com! For our premiere comic, we're proud to present a day in the life of our lovable mime (lovable if you're the mob and you run a profitable "harvesting" business), Linus! - Tonto]

 
- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.  

NOTE: If you liked this comic, we have plenty more in... oh, crap... this was like, our first comic, so there's really no other ones to check out for the moment, BUT, BUT, BUT, we have plenty of other content packed into our site. Like uh, we got Movies and stuff. They're like comics. Let's see, we have Political Satire. Totally like comics! Last, but not least, we've got a lot of Funny Crime Articles!!!

by Tonto Balboa tontobalboa@hotmail.com  

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Things are really starting to look up for 'ol Tonto. I was recently asked to be on a panel about what "not" to do after retiring from professional sports. The girl at the massage parlor turned out to "not" have HPV! (bullet dodged on that one!)

And... I'm in serious, serious debt!

Now, wait, you must be thinking, "What's so good about being in massive debt?!"

I know, I woke up this morning thinking the exact same thing, but the top story on Yahoo! spoke otherwise (good thing there weren't any Top Dating Tips or that Amy Winehouse didn't snort any chalk dust in this news cycle. Otherwise, the press would've totally missed out on this story).

The US Government is bailing people out of debt. Companies are being saved!

Whoo-hoo! Finally! Finally! Finally!

Tontoandfriends.com is going to erase all of its debts. I immediately called the Federal Reserve this morning to ask when I should be expecting my bailout check, and they said that I needed to apply for a bailout, so I've been furiously working on my application about why my business (which you read on a daily basis - I hope!) needs to be saved!

Here's what I have so far:  

Jobs! - This website has created many jobs for people who would have trouble finding employment elsewhere.

Stephany Ericson - Children's writer. She doesn't truly possess what many employers would call a "hirable skill-set" but here she does! She's been able to grow in her position here as a staff writer into our foremost sports reporter. Thanks to the daily stress of her job, she's doubled the amount of Vicodin she needs to be "functional," hence creating more work in the local Rite Aid pharmaceutical industry. Jobs creating jobs! Plus, her notoriety here has helped her sell more children's book (biggest sales were made with "Artist Schmartist GO GET A JOB!" "Eat this for a Quarter," and "Daddy has Stubble in Funny Places") across the nation, creating more jobs in the publishing and childhood psychology field!

Linus the Angry Mime - Street Mime/Underground Entrepreneur. Thanks to the money that Linus earns here as a staff writer, he's able to focus more of his time creating art and growing his side business which he jokingly refers to as "organ harvesting" (it must be a metaphor for something else!). His success here allows him to help other unrelated industries grow! That's trickle-UP! economics, baby!

Vans McCoy - As our film writer, Vans McCoy has truly flourished and has influenced local economies like no other! He now spends more time going out to see films which directly increases his odds of being arrested on "some fucking trumped up charge" in Vans' own words. These wasteful arrests create more work for local law enforcement (go unions!), court personnel, public defenders, and cab drivers. Vans might call that a pain in the ass. I call it giving back!

The Schmooz - Schmooz has been able to successfully parlay his fame here as a Love/Music writer into a rebirth of sorts in his singing/sexing career. He can now resume his relentless touring/laying schedule, which only brings more wealth to seedy nightclubs/free clinics from coast-to-coast!

Slocomb Jones - I'm most proud of Slocomb Jones! He turned the experiences he learned as a 30+ year professional bum into a thriving retirement boosted by a second career as a part-time staff writer. Thanks to my site, I've been able to create a new job for someone who never knew what it was like to be employed! Liquor stores have been thanking me ever since (they prefer the paper money versus a plastic sack of unsorted pennies and nickels)!

Essential Services Provided - Getting through a day at work is always a pain in the ass. That's one of the main reasons why I became a professional boxer. It's better to get punched than punch a clock. Many would say it's less painful too. My point being that the humor, insight, and comedy our job providers (my staff writers) give to the Internet surfing public helps them make it through their time as a M-F desk jockey, which makes them able to perform their work function that much easier.  

Reason For Bailout - Things like rent, food, gasoline, clothing, etc. get in the way of running a successful business empire.

I have to provide Insurance for all my employees - Schmooz requires condoms; Vans requires the need to be bailed out when needed himself; Linus needs "fresh tissue for his art... yeah, that's it you idiot!"; Stephany needs the pills that "make the past go away"; and so on.

This stuff isn't cheap.

So far, my friends in the credit card industry have been helping me along way with a 27.9% APR and I need to start paying them back.

So Gimmie That Money, Uncle Sam!!!  

- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.  

NOTE: If you liked this plea for cash, there's plenty more political ranting in our Political Article Archive. Tired of politics? Who can blame ya! Find comfort in our Ask a Pirate Archives. Yeah, right! No pirate can help you, you say?! Take a load off and learn some tricks of the trade (for entertainment purposes only!!!) in our Crime Article Archive!!!

by Linus the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com  
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Hey.

Everybody talks about how open and equal as a society we've become. Take a look at our Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates, they say. This is the land of milk and honey, where any poor kid can become as rich and as fabulous as they want, as long as they aren't afraid of hard work.

Bullshit.

AIG makes a ton of major-league fuck-ups, and the government steps in to keep the business alive.

Meanwhile, I'm stabbing rats with paper clips in order to get a good source of protein (Hey, a mime can't live just on Necco Wafers, tasty as they are).

And the people who get three square meals a day making laws aren't spreading justice, either.

In Italy, the courts finally struck down a rule that said that a woman wearing tight pants cannot possibly be a rape victim because there's no way the pants could be removed unless she helped take them off.

Really?

Really?

I've had my share (and your share, and hell, a fifth of Tonto's share) of retail love, and I've ordered the "Wriggling Wendy." Basically nothing more than your garden-variety sex worker, tight clothes, and a bowie knife. You're supposed to shuck her clothes like the husk off corn.

They charge you up the ass if you draw blood. I never miss.

Yeah, I know it's no shocker that women still come out as second-class citizens in the eyes of the law, especially when it comes to sex and babies.

But, instead of sitting there stewing quietly with rage, why not use these antiquated laws to your advantage, and let your criminal mind make some money while you're at it?

Here's how!

1) Baby Boom - I haven't heard much about this Sarah Palin person, but I heard she's not too fond of abortions. Try this: Gather as many women as you can and drop off sackloads of newborn babies at her door daily. Just carpet her front lawn with some old fashioned manure-makers and thumb suckers!

As you step up the volume of babies each day, keep several people hidden in the background with cameras. Eventually, you're gonna get a picture of Sarah Palin accidentally snapping off a baby's jaw with her high heels. That photo will get you a shitload of money. Whether you want to sell it back to her for a cool profit, or give the tabloids a chance to print it is up to you.  

2) Math Hustle - If stereotypes are to be believed, women aren't so hot in math.

Use this ignorance to lighten some wallets.

Hang around the bars outside Caltech. Eventually, you'll strike up a conversation with some dickless giant who wants to show off his math knowledge. Give him the wide eyes and giggles. Pretend that you think Pythagoras is a kind of handbag. Then, when you're getting cozy with the sap, mention it's your birthday. That will spur him on to try to tell you the odds of someone at the bar having a better than even chance of sharing your birthday. Stop him with a kiss, and make him a bet that you can guess the answer. Once he steps up to the plate, tell him there has to be at least 183 people in the bar so that there's a better than even chance someone else has your same birthday, and take the cash.

Repeat until rich.
 
3) Lysis-who? - You want change, women? Withhold the goodies until the people who lust after you agree to your whims. Trust me, a horny person would shoot their own dog if it meant getting their dirty itches scratched!

Any other ideas? Send me a comment!  

- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.  

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By Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com

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Poor Tonto… Let me start at the beginning. I flew out to DC last Thursday to catch a Wasted Idles reunion show. Back in ’82, these guys were on the brink of breaking big out of the DC hardcore scene based on the strength of their biggest song “Kill your job.”

Things happen and the band broke up. Fast forward to the reunion show last weekend. There’s a pretty good chance that I was drinking some and started yelling at the 15 year old bass player.

Of course, it wasn’t until later that I learned the kid was the singer’s eldest son and was now part of the band as some father-son bonding thing. Long story short, you take a mouthful of sprayed Jack Daniels, a soaked bass player, an angry dad/front man, a few broken bottles and you wind up with Vans being locked up for the weekend.

I called Tonto and told him that if he didn’t fly in and bail me out that I was done writing for him. It worked.

One the plane ride back, I nursed myself back to health with some hair of the dog (on Tonto’s tab) and struggled through the in-flight film, Smart People.



Smart People is one of those movies that you’re supposed to say is great because it’s about real people with real problems. If your bullshit detector isn't going off yet, it should.

The only problem is that every character came straight out of the large lot super store of character development where everyone is so damn smart intellectually, but are repressed morons emotionally. Wow, how fucking mind blowing. You mean, they're like one way, but, but, but, in reality, they're something else. Holy horse shit! That's never crossed my mind that a human being could be so deep.

And the big shocker, the character that is the “dumbest” on paper is the only one who actually gets it and helps everyone else find their way.

In the film, Dennis Quaid plays Lawrence Wetherhold, an English professor at Carnegie Mellon, who’s in an emotional downward spiral after the death of his wife. Like all cinematic college professors, he’s a dick and a grouch and we know this because he uses two spots to park his shitty Volvo.

It’s a lazy move by the filmmakers because people who do that choose to be dicks because they’re narcissistic and/or can’t maneuver their SUVs not because they're emotional wrecks.

Lawrence falls off a fence trying to get something out of his towed car and ends up in the hospital. Turns out that his his ER doctor (Sarah Jessica Parker) is a former student of his who switched her major to medicine because Lawrence was such a dick in class years ago. Wait a second, I thought his problem was that he was distraught because his wife died, and now he’s just an overall dick to help string along a thin plot… Make up your mind!

Turns out, Lawrence suffered a seizure in a scene that should’ve been in the movie, and is unable to drive for six months. Thankfully, it just so happens that his deadbeat adopted brother is back in town looking for a handout. Isn’t it great when these things just work themselves out for the sake of plot!

But there’s a twist! Lawrence, you see, he can’t sit on the passenger side of a car because that’s the side he was sitting on when his wife died. It doesn’t make sense to the people in the film, but the audience gets it right away, perhaps because the audience realizes how stupid a device it is.

Blah, blah, blah, a love story ensues between Lawrence and the doctor to the shock of nobody who is paying attention.

Oh yeah, the sub plots. First, Lawrence’s son, James, who is a student at Carnegie Melon. You see, James is also a writer, but his father doesn’t notice until James gets a poem published in The New Yorker. James is your typical whiny little bitch who complains because he’s forgotten about and no one knows who he is. Pretty lousy life, huh? Maybe the life that would lead someone to forming a punk band?

The facts in the film, as presented, suggest otherwise:
- Free tuition at a good school.
- Partying it up at the local card on his father’s dime.
- Getting published in the most prestigious magazine in the US before being old enough to rent a car.
- Nailing a hot Asian chick in his dorm room.

Not bad, if you ask me. But then what do I know? I just got bailed out by a middle aged ex-boxer who talks with a slur

[NOTE FROM THE CHIEF: I had just taken Nyquil when you called, Vans. That stays in your system for hours, if not days! – Tonto]

Second, the daughter, Vanessa (Ellen Page), who is obsessed with gaining a perfect SAT score. You know how we know she’s messed up? She’s a young republican! I’m no supporter of that pig sty of a party, but if you’re going to point out her politics as part of her “symptoms,” then fucking show them!

Don’t just say she’s a republican and expect the audience to be like those assholes sipping lattes at Starbucks who think they’re so much better because they’re part of a “different” corporate ran political party.

She’s heartbroken and lonely. If you can’t do anything with that besides make some hackneyed political “statement” then you’re a fucking hack.

Vanessa compensates for her mom’s loss by taking over the housewife role in the home and keeps her emotions so bottled up that the only way she can express them is by falling for her middle-aged uncle (who’s adopted, so it’s technically OK – Gotta love that clever writing).

If these people are so damn smart, why are they so two-dimensional?

Here’s part of the problem - every screenwriter thinks their family is so fucking special so they all write some pseudo-autobiographical nonsense that nobody cares about except for the writer and some producer trying to tap into the “indie market.”

Two stars for Smart People
 
- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.  
NOTE: If you liked this review, we have a slew of them waiting for you in our Film Review Archive. Got a burning question on yer mind?! Ask Melvin the Pirate. More of a political junkie? You NEED to spend time in our Political Article Archive!!!

By Melvin, the Pirate - melvin.thepirate@hotmail.com  

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Ahoy there, mateys!

I be hosting a wellness seminar these past two weeks. Pirates and land-lovers the world around have come to scrape off the barnacles of negative self-thought and give their minds a chance to be free and clear. There be much love in the air, my fine and fearsome readers! And, the mail bag awaits!!

Dear Melvin,

I think pirates are pretty cool. I’d like to write a pirate song to impress my friends at the coffee shop where I work. Any tips on how to make a good pirate song?

Cyrus in Montebello, CA

Cyrus, I’m glad ye asked. All too often, a songwriter gets to writing a piece ‘o music about the iconoclastic pirate and fails to spark the tune with even the tiniest amount of verisimilitude, so to say.

Pirates aren’t indestructible, for example. We don’t sing half-brained melodies like “sixteen men on a dead man’s chest." We don’t consider the word “booty” to harbor any puns.

The first step to an excellent pirate song is to make sure it’s a strong, steady beat. If ye song be slow and pensive, it’s not a pirate tune.

Remember, pirates started singing in order to keep time together as they pulled the ropes. That’s why it has to be a perfect, simple rhythm. Then, keep the lyrics honest. Pirates steal, lie, and have more gumption in their left pinky toe than most creatures muster in their lifetimes.

Write from the heart, and yer song will shine.

Dear Melvin the Pirate,

I was drunk out ‘o me wits last weekend, and mistakenly challenged a man twice me size to a duel. How can I bow out of the occasion without coming across as a coward?

Shoestring the Brave

Shoestring, if I’ve told a pirate once, I’ve told them a thousand times: Don’t be writing checks with your drunken tongue that yer actions won’t bloody cash!

Ye’ve got two options: if ye be friends with a pirate who’s twice as mean and twice as big as the man yer set to duel, have him make a second challenge to him, but before yer battle takes place. Once he kills the villain, yer in the clear.

Or, if ye have no brave friends to help ye, cheat.

Show up at the duel, choose broadswords as yer weapon of choice, and before the duel starts, shoot yer mark dead in the eyes with yer pistol. It’s not glamorous, but it ain’t death.

Dear Melvin,

I’m in love with a man, but there’s one thing about him which drives me crazy. He has the worst breath ever. I can’t even kiss him without holding back a gag. What can I do to keep our relationship alive?

Chelsea in St. Paul, MN

Chelsea, I imagine yer the kind sort who doesn’t want to tell yer love flat out that their breath be rotten.

So, start chewing gum like crazy. Whenever yer around him, offer him a piece or five. Then, kiss him with the gum still clutched in yer teeth, using it to scrape off the flotsam and jetsam that makes his mouth a vile prison of waste.

Any questions? Send me yer woes!

- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.

NOTE: There more sage advice from Melvin in our Ask a Pirate Archive. But that's not all! There plenty of sage in our Film Article Archive and some not-so-sage advice in our Crime Article Archive!!!

By Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com  

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The times are sure getting tough around here for an ex-boxer turned online publishing entrepreneur. As a famed dramatist said, “Everything is prelude.” Allow me to explain: Two weeks ago, the brain trust that runs my apartment complex made a decision to add a fourth washing machine and dryer to our 40 unit complex. Accordingly, the rent was raised. In my case, it jumped $27 dollars, suddenly blowing the lid off my monthly budget. Changes needed to be made. I had to temporarily put a hold on the perks I lavished upon my writing staff.

No more addresses of random people who “look like they possess two fully functioning kidneys and could spare one.” No more spare change. No more bottles of rum and track lighting. No more Vicodin.

No more.

Worse yet, I needed to take on a real job.

This is something I haven’t done since I cashed in on my boxing fame as a greeter for six weeks at “Mamma Rue’s Bingo Parlor for Seniors” on the Mexhicapti Tribal Reservation. Who knew that there was no Mexhicapti tribe and that it was a front for a corporate money laundering scheme? I didn’t. Same can’t be said for the FBI…

So far, I’ve found limited success as a temp. Bouncing around from office-to-office is now way to live for anyone, let alone someone who went toe-to-toe (and face-to-canvas) with Larry Holmes for the world title!

In the boxing and publishing world, I’ve encountered some real gems of human beings, but nothing compares to the collection of humanity that populates the office work world.

This is what I deal with now for 20 hours a week:

The God Guy – This is the guy who wears the big hemp looking necklace with a big brown cross over his shirt and tie. Usually tall and lanky with scruffy sideburns and mop-top hair cut, The God Guy will always be nice to you, but if you’re careful, you can catch him praying that “… the new boxer guy finds work that will keep him far away from me, like a construction yard. Lord, please push him and his sleepy eye in a new path. I don’t like looking at him…”

Typically, he’s not very effective at work, but he’s so nice that they keep him around. Perhaps, the HR manager fears Hell?

The One-Track Mind Guy – I’m not opposed to witty banter, but I can’t even talk boxing for eight hours, let alone import cars or reality TV.

I sent in a tape for Dancing with the Stars, and I got a return envelope with a form letter emphasizing that the show was for “...celebrities only. Thank you, Mr. Balboa for your interest, but unfortunately, the selection process isn’t open to the general public. We have to limit our contestant pool to applicants who are at the very least marginally known across the country…. Best of luck in your attempts to secure a role in a reality program.”

Anyway, back to Mr. One Track Mind, these people are completely oblivious to non-verbal communication. Things like turning my back to them, putting on headphones with Slayer blaring, interrupting them mid-sentence by saying, “Wait, what are you even talking about, I wasn’t listening,” or just walking out of the office with a primal ass-blasting of last nights canned chili.

He may talk much more than you do, but at least he listens about the amount that you do.

The CIA Operative – For many people, their day truly ends at 5:00 pm. The only thing left living for is surviving long enough to be back in the saddle at 8:00 am the next morning.

For this woman, the office is her Camelot and we are mere subjects for her imperial rule. She’s the one who tells everyone else about the ketchup stain on your pants, but waits until the end of the day to remind you how inappropriate that is.

She’s the one who tells everyone that she watched a bus driver not allow you on the bus for not having exact change.

She’s the one who lets it slip that you accidentally went onto a Taiwanese blow up doll website on company time, despite your pleas that it was an errant pop up ad that you had no control over.

She knows everything. Thus, as do your co-wokers.

The “Yes, and…” Fella – If anyone needed to go 15 with Larry Holmes with his arms tied behind his back, it’s this guy. The first word of Improv Comedy (which I learned when I was the celebrity guest host for “Chico’s Wednesday Afternoon Comedy Showcase” in LA back in ’91) is to say, “Yes, and…”

It means to don’t deny the situation while adding on a joke of your own. I find that a planned midget joke works well in an improvised situation…

So yeah, this guy makes everyone else look like at total asshole by saying “Yes” to every and anything the boss asks. Plus, he suggests something else he can do to make the project that much better.

Then, when your boss asks you to make 2500 more photocopies and you tell him you can’t, they shake their head and say they’ll ask someone else “who isn’t as punchy.”

You know damn well who’s getting asked!  

The Sports Guy – Very similar to the One-Track Mind Guy, The Sports Guy is singularly focused on sports. Everything in life is a sports metaphor.

Strange, I’ve never called a knockout punch a “snarky memo emailed to the whole office.” I’ve also never heard someone describe a home run as a “great new hire to the company.”
His only interaction with anyone is if they heard about the latest trade or watched the game last night.

Oh, you haven’t? Didn’t see? Go fuck yourself.

The “I’m Only Here to Fuck Everyone Except You” Lady – Perhaps the most frustrating of all is the middle-age co-worker with fake taa-taas who lets everyone touch them (if bathroom walls are to be believed) but the new “stocky guy with wide shoulders who looks a bit creepy… is it normal to have circles that dark under his eyes” guy?

The Functional Coke Head (Employee of the Year) - Everyone loves this guy even though it’s clear he likes to do some nose skiing year round. He’s not really funny, his punchlines are tired, but holy crap if he doesn’t commit to everything he says. You’ll typically find this person working on a phone, most likely in the customer service.

Whatever you do, don’t run into him in the bathroom when you really have to go. It’s awkward ending a conversation with, “look, that’s great, but I really need to shit.” I’m still on medication for a bladder infection thanks to ill-timed piss break.

Without fail, his powdered enthusiasm has netted him multiple Employee of the Year plaques and trophies. Way to reward drug use, corporate America.

Oh, I yearn for the days when I was getting punched in the head for a few hundred dollars…  

- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.  

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By Linus, the Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com  

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Hey.

I love Las Vegas.

Women there appreciate a good performance artist with a fist full of recently stolen cash. There are plenty of dark alleys to satisfy your business and personal needs.

The clowns in Vegas are walking bags of failure, and smacking them is like ripping apart a European-flavored piñata. And, more importantly, there’s always someone in Vegas who’s doing something a little bit beyond the law to distract from your dirty work.

Case in point: On September 13, 2007, I may or may not have duct-taped someone to the roof of the Luxor Hotel, then covered them with honey and birdseed so the crows could have something to eat while they pecked him to death.

But, if I did something like that, I knew it wouldn’t get nearly as much attention as OJ leading a crew of people into the Palace Station that night and robbing a sports dealer at gunpoint. Now, his trial starts ASAP, and in honor of O.J., I’d like to point out a few helpful tools in making your next armed robbery successful:

1) Don’t be cocky about it - Look, I know you dodged one high-profile trial before, but that’s no reason to say stupid shit about your newest crime, like "I'm O.J. Simpson. How am I going to think that I'm going to rob somebody and get away with it? Besides, I thought what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas."

2) Don’t go rob somebody with a friend of yours who makes money off of stupid people like you - O.J. got tipped off about his sports memorabilia being in the possession of this seller through a personal friend, Thomas Riccio. The same guy who helped sell Anna Nicole Smith's diary for half a million – SURPRISE – brought a fucking recorder to the robbery.  

3) Don’t bring wimps to your armed robbery party - Charles Cashmore and Walter Alexander have agreed to lesser sentences in order to squeal on O.J. Remember, you can’t trust anyone but yourself when it comes to crime.  

4) Keep out of sight - If I was O.J., the second the acquittal verdict was read for the first trial I would’ve stolen a jet, and shipped my ass to some random country like Argentina. Start my life anew. But, because he didn’t, everybody’s just waiting for the dumb bastard to fall. Good ol’ American jealousy!

Any other armed robbery tips? Send me a comment!
 
- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.  

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By Bustamante - therealbustamante@hotmail.com

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If I'd known any better, I would have thought I was watching a baseball game last week. As far as I'm concerned, the only sports worth playing, let alone watching are ultimate Frisbee and co-ed naked hackeysack.

"Knocked one out of the park."

"Hit a home run."

"A double play ticket."

So what the hell was I watching? The Republican National Convention. More specifically, the Sarah Palin speech.

But, from the way they described the speech, you'd think I was watching a high-level athlete, when instead, I was watching a high-level phony and fraud.

Thankfully, I was comforted by my Vegan macaroni and cheese with chopped veggie sausage; of course, I topped it off with a pinch (or ten) of my special herbs and spices for that extra kick!

So, baseball metaphors, huh? That's what seems to get the blood pumping for these knuckle draggers.

Believe it or not, your old pal Bustamante knows a thing or two about our National Pastime - no, not reality TV and illiteracy, stop thinking that you little cynic, I'm talking baseball! The crack of the bat, the snap of a new glove, growing little patches of [censored] in the visiting team's bullpen at the local high school. I know baseball well.

Being a baseball expert, I would love to offer up some new baseball metaphors for the GOP to "lead off" with as we approach the election.

"Squeeze Play" - A manager calls on the batter to lay down a bunt in hopes of scoring the runner from third. Normally, the batter is thrown out.

As it applies: You know that whole thing where Palin fired someone because that person wouldn't fire Palin's ex-brother-in-law?

Example: "Boy, oh boy, I gotta tell ya, Gov. Palin sure did put the squeeze play down on that unsuspecting trooper!"

"Bean Ball" - A pitch thrown where the sole purpose is to hit the batter in the head. A literal assault on the brain cells of an unsuspecting batter coming from a pitcher doing what they "think is right."

As it applies: While Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, Sarah Palin was an advocate of banning certain books from the library, and blatant attack on the thinking ability a person (batter) has. Of course, this was all done out of fear of the dreaded "F" word. You know... freedom.

As an aside, Palin tried unsuccessfully to fire the librarian who wouldn't go along with the deal.

Example: "Holy crap, Mayor Palin sure did toss a bean ball at the residents of Wasilla... then she went and tried to pull a squeeze play on the local librarian!"

"Wild Card Hunt" - An extra playoff race for teams not good enough to win their division, but still might be good enough for the playoffs."

As it applies: Six months ago, Palin told the members of the Alaskan Independence Party to keep up their good work and wished them further good will and luck. Their mission: to remove Alaska from the US.

Strange, considering she's on a ticket that runs on "country first." But, I guess that's only a slogan.

Example: "Jeez, looks like Palin doesn't think Alaska has the talent to win their division, but she sure is pulling for them to make a run in the Wild Card Hunt."

"Balk" - Despite being the funniest sounding baseball rule, it's actually pretty serious. It's when a pitcher makes a mistake in their windup/delivery and any base runners are allowed a free base as a result.

As it applies: During her convention speech, Palin alluded to the fact that she fought wasteful govt. spending by getting rid of a private plane and "putting it on ebay..." Her language implied that she actually sold it. It didn't sell on ebay. Instead, it was sold to an entrepreneur for $300k less than the asking price and is now used to take wealthy hunters to shoot Moose.

Example: "I hate wasteful spending of tax dollar too, but Palin sure did pull a balk on that whole plane ebay thing."

"Switch Hitting" - A crafty hitter who is able to be a competent batter from both sides of the plate.

As it applies: OK, Palin's family of out of bounds as far as the media is concerned. That's fair and should apply to all politicians' families. However, when you use your children to make political points (sending a son to Iraq War, suddenly being an advocate for special needs kids, and justifying a pro-life stance with a daughter as an example), you're having it both ways.

Example: "When it comes to her family, Palin sure does act as a switch hitter."

"Intentional Walk" - Disguised as a strategy, it's when a pitcher is afraid to do their job: pitch to a batter. Instead, they give them a free base which could potentially hurt their team if the next batter gets a hit.

As it applies: The media has been very busy trying to decide what Palin's impact on the race will be when they should be covering her entry into the race. It's not their job to "decide" it's to report. Who is she? Where does she come from? What's her positions?

All there's been in phony analysis from people trying to look like they're doing their job when they're just afraid to actually do their job. Just like when a scared pitcher tosses four limp balls to a batter.

Example: "I wonder if the media allows Palin to steal second? After all, they gave her an intentional walk."

- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.

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By Melvin, the Pirate - melvin.thepirate@hotmail.com  

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Ahoy there, mateys!  

Labor Day is a fine celebration for a pirate therapist like meself! Managed to squeeze in a few couples’ therapy sessions and a belly-burstin’ feast all in one day. May yer spirits be bright this glorious week, and may yer bellies be full of vigor and slow-grilled delights! Now, the mail bag awaits!

Dear Pirate, how would you write a short ransome note demanding the presence of a bunch of 4 year olds to attend a birthday party of a fellow pirate inorder for him to be released?! I'd hate for everyone to get scurvy for not showing up to the big event! =)

If ransom note tips are what ye fancy, try an older article on the site. It covers the basics on how to make these notes specific and attractive. But, let’s cut to the heart of yer message, stranger. It’s swine like you who besmirch the name of every good pirate.

And yer tone is a clear example of yer cowardly, wicked nature. Scurvy is no laughin’ matter, friends. Long before it was properly treated, thousands of brave pirates succumbed to the foul curse. Fingernails dropped out of their hands, noses bled for no earthly reason, and teeth held no haven in a scurvy-ridden lad’s life. And, even today, there be a few poor or mistaken folk who ignore the need for Vitamin C and end up shittin’ themselves into an early grave.

Scurvy killed more pirates than any lawman, pirate battle, or wench combined. It was AIDS for the working thief of the sea. And, as a therapist, let me tell ye how racked with despair and shame a swashbuckler be when pus-filled wounds creep up along his thighs. Take yer medicine, readers, and stay healthy!

Dear Melvin the Pirate, I work at an office where the boss loves to hug everybody. I’m not much for physical contact, but I want to make a good impression. What hug techniques should I use? Climbing the Corporate Ladder in Chicago

Well, Climbing – we all have to make concessions for the sake of financial gain. Once, I took on a cannibal as a patient because me beloved pet Belvedere needed an operations, and my coffers were low. And, even though the rogue tried to skin me alive on no fewer than four occasions, I found the experience to be quite rewarding.

The best trick I can tell ye is to mirror what yer boss does in a hug. Let him start and end the hug sessions. Match him in strength, application of hands, and muttered gestures. He’ll find comfort in your motions, and soon, ye’ll be staking a claim on a corner office!

Hey Gay Pirate Dude, My buddies and me got a Ouija board, and want to summon Blackbeard so he can kick ass at our high school. Any other pirates we should bring back from the dead? Ryan from Halsey, Oregon

Ryan, for the love of all that be holy, do not play with such artifacts!! Many a fool has taken to the game, only to have the mandibles of death grip themselves around their throats and crush them into oblivion. But, if talkin’ with the dead is what ye want, I say skip the pirate celebrities like Blackbeard (who gets so much séance play, he practically only makes an appearance for wenches and gold) and call on some the of the lesser-known pirates, like Sneezing Tyler.

Word has it every time his nostrils shuddered, murder itself danced in his eyes. Plus, he could probably drink ye under the table, Ryan, as Sneezing Tyler was a pirate who loved his drink. Just don’t make his nose itch, or ye house will become a dark and fetid grave.

Questions? Comments? Send them to me!

- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.  

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By Bustamante - therealbustamante@hotmail.com
 
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America got to know Alaska Governor Sarah Palin last Friday. And, boy oh boy… did we get to know her.

A trooper scandal and an underage pregnant daughter.

The guy who organized Woodstock has more executive experience than her. So, sure, we learned a lot about her these past few days, but what don’t we know? That’s where I come in!

Here’s some of the upcoming Sarah Palin scandals we’re sure to find out about in the coming days and weeks.  

Gov. Palin Didn’t Watch Northern Exposure – For Five years in the early 90s, Northern Exposure rocked CBS viewers weekly with tales of a transplanted New York doctor treating patients in Cicely, Alaska. Where was Gov. Palin at the time? Uh, duh… watching Beverly Hills 90210.

Instead of supporting her adopted home state, Palin spent her Thursday evenings (sometimes Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday if my TV guide memory serves) watching the exploits of rich pre-yuppies gallivanting across Beverly Hills.

If she can’t put the rating of a show based in her own state first, how can we expect her to put her country first?! NOTE: Gov. Palin has gone on record saying that Cliffhanger is her favorite Stallone film.  

[NOTE FROM THE CHIEF: Cliffhanger (3 stars, according to Vans) was not set in Alaska... if that was the connection trying to be made. - Tonto]  

She Named a Pet Moose, “Chixouackamale” – On the surface, it sounds like a quirky enough name for a pet moose, but look up the meaning of “Chixouackamale” it’s native tongue, and you’ll get a deeper insight into Palin’s true feelings. According to the Official Alaskan Tribal Dictionary Website (which happens to be down, so I can’t provide a link, the official meaning of Chixouackamale is, “God damn it, we’re not connected to ‘um anyway, so let’s break away from the US and make Alaska it’s own marginal country of potheads… and we’ll take Hawaii too, if they’re up for it!” Later, after some initial controversy, the moose was renamed, “Larry.”  

Todd Palin Tried out for Survivor Season II - Typically, spouses are off limits, but usually that only is the case when a woman is placed in the “spouse” category.” Thankfully, we can now take a look at a particular exploit of Palin’s husband, Todd. While only lukewarm to the idea of surviving on deserted island for cash on TV, the success of season one Survivor sparked a gleam in Todd Palin’s eye. He was destined for reality TV stardom!

He made an audition video highlighting his strengths and how he would make a great contestant. He emphasized how he would be sure to use as many, “wacky Alaskan phrases and sayings which will endear [him] to the American public… Hell, if a naked gay guy can win this thing, I should have no problem… It’d be like outrunning a penguin on that sticky stuff you put down on the ice to catch ‘em and then hit them with a blunt object leaving them not killed, but temporarily paralyzed. Next, you take your dullest knife (it’s more fun that way) and you chop their head off. Finally, you take the rest of the birdy and grill up a proper ‘guin dog!”

The Survivor producers went in another direction.

- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.  

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