[EDITOR'S NOTE: Once again, Linus is a psychopath. If you follow his advice, you deserve the decades in jail that you will earn for yourself. - Tonto]
By Linus The Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com
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Hey.
So, Halloween’s here.
Little boys and girls are roaming the neighborhoods to loot and plunder whatever they can carry. Teenagers are destroying mailboxes, throwing eggs and toilet paper, and lighting bags of crap on fire. Grown-ups are getting drunk and trying to impress each other to see who looks more ridiculous in a cheap costume.
It’s a great holiday for anarchy.
But why stop there? These acts of malfeasance are nothing compared to the grand levels of mischief and disorder you can cause this Halloween.
Take it from me; I’ve been working at destroying society for decades. I consider it one extended performance project. Conceptual theatre, if you will.
Follow these tips below to get the most out of your Halloween season. And, if for some reason, you’re too stupid to cover your tracks or wipe off your fingerprints, and you get arrested, I’m not responsible. Okay? Okay.
1) Population Explosion - I’m already assuming you know how to break into apartments or houses. If you don’t, go play Candy Land with the other babies. For the rest of you, you’ll need your standard lock picking tools, lots and lots of thin blue mints, and a few safety pins.
Once you break into a house, find where the birth control is located. It’s either in the medicine cabinet or nearby the bed.
Then, proceed as follows: swap the birth control pills with the thin blue mints, and poke very small holes in the condoms with the safety pins. Do it carefully; you don’t want the condoms to look altered in any way.
I’ve been doing this prank for years now, and the birth rate in my town’s gone up twenty-five percent. More babies means more poor people. More poor people means more anger. More anger means more violence. More violence means the sweet explosion of rage.
2) Weeding out the weak - Read your local newspaper thoroughly. When you see a graveside service posted, get to the cemetery in the middle of the night, once they’ve dug the plot. Bring a step stool.
Then, lay down in the plot, and camp out there overnight. Set your watch an hour before the service. When you hear people coming towards you, whip out the step stool, and stand up quickly. Then, run like hell!
3) Baby Swap - Order a preserved pig from an online medical store. When it arrives, dress it up in baby clothes and go for a walk. When you see a parent with a stroller, make the switch.
Do it quickly - the parental bond is strong, and you really can’t chloroform babies without killing them ( don’t ask!) And, once you’ve pulled this off, you can find other uses for your prize.
4) Harvesting - Chloroform an adult. Once unconscious, strip them naked, and move them to a tub filled with ice. Color the ice with food coloring so that it looks bloody.
Then, leave a kidney (again, you can buy it at a online medical store, if you’re a wimp!) on the floor next to the tub.
Be sure it looks bloody as well. Leave a note on the person’s stomach (something like “You have thirty minutes to make it to a hospital") and when they wake up, wait for them to scream. Once they do so, send a hungry dog into the tub. The sight of them chasing after a dog with a kidney in its mouth will fill you with joy for years to come!
Got any other good Halloween pranks! Email me.
- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.
NOTE: If you liked this article, there's plenty more sage wisdom in our Ask a Pirate Archives. Perhaps not wisest advice... but we have plenty of tips and tricks located in our Crime Article Archive. Halloween is always the right time for a good movie, so get schooled in the ways of cinema with our Movie Article Archive!!!
By Slocomb Jones - mail can be sent to Slocomb at tontobalboa@hotmail.com
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Happy Halloween, everyone!
Truth be known, this is my most profitable time of year. The week of Halloween, I usually pull in a few hundred bucks thanks to various costume contests.
One time, I had no idea what day or even month it was and I was passing through a college town somewhere. I saw a big house with funny letters on the side… I smelled cheap beer. I knew I’d found a home for the next few hours.
Someone gave me a pill, a “mood enhancer” and I went crazy. I asked everyone for some spare cash over and over and over and over again… eventually they gave me $500 for best costume.
I kept saying, “This isn’t a costume, it’s a lifestyle!”
In the spirit of Halloween, I’d like to offer some of the wisdom of my travels around the world. I’ve been in a lot of scary places… but only a few actual haunted ones. For Halloween, here’s my top 4 most haunted places in the United States.
4. White House Motel – Thanks to the Presidents and history, the tourism industry is big in Washington DC.
As a professional bum, you need to avoid tourist places. I know, I know, there’s lots of people with money… but since they’re in an unfamiliar place, they’re less likely to talk to strangers. Incidentally, that makes them more susceptible to muggings, but that’s not my style. I’m from the happy-go-lucky school of pro bumming.
Anyhow, knowing this information, I took what cash I had and decided to treat myself to a room for the night. So, I checked out the White House Motel… it’s over by the courthouse in DC. I got a deal on a room for 8 hours. As soon as I got to my room, I stared hearing noises… like moans and stuff.
Hold on, I know the difference between moans and the sounds of a working girl selling ten-dollar anal… and these were definitely moans.
I went outside and saw a tall, skinny, bearded pale figure of a man wandering the hallway looking for a Ford or something. Next thing I know, he was gone.
I should’ve known that a place with a roof is no place for a bum. I checked out after two hours. It’s too bad because the place was real nice.
3. Winchester Home – For most of his bumming career, Stinky Winchester was a bum’s bum. He was good people.
One time, Stinky was simply following the cardinal rule of being a bum… picking up dropped lotto ticket. The thinking is clear: Maybe you’ll win enough for a bottle of good booze. It’s like our version of the lottery: the odds of picking up a dropped winner are the same as actually winning.
Anyhow, Stinky picked up a winner that actually a HUGE winner! He found a dropped ticket that paid him over $50 million dollars! Stinky bought a huge house… but he soon started to see things. People from his past were appearing in the house.
Stinky realized that these were the ghosts of all the people he bummed money from who were now dead and wanted it back! To escape from them, Stinky kept adding rooms to the mansion, trying to get the ghosts.
It didn’t work, and Stinky spent all his money. Eventually, Stinky killed himself in the mansion. Now his ghost haunts the mansion too. A moral tale for all bums, if ever I heard one.
2. Alley Behind a Las Vegas Italian Restaurant – One time, I was in Las Vegas and I was sleeping out behind some Italian restaurant a few miles away from The Strip.
It was late and a bus drove by, and next thing I know, a bunch of people in the bus were taking pictures of me. I stood up to see what was happening… then they yelled at me and the bus drove off. This confused the hell out of me. Thankfully, a nice old gay man came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder.
“They thought you were me,” he said.
“Well, I'm not,” I said.
“I know you’re not, sweetie.”
This guy had on some flashy, sparkly clothes, so the professional in me took over.
“Excuse me sir,” I said. “Do you think you could spare a little...?”
“My dear,” he laughed. “I haven’t needed my money for a long time now. Look at me… I’m fabulous. You don’t need money, honey.”
He turned and walked away from me, but he didn’t have any feet!!!
1. Prison Cell on an Island – One time, after spending an evening in a haze in San Francisco, I woke up and found myself locked up in a dark prison cell.
My head was cut, and I had a note pinned on me that said, “If you can read this… we didn’t hit you hard enough. Stay out of ‘Frisco, bum! – SFPD” Next thing I know, there’s a short, fat, Italian man in my cell. He said his name was Al “Cat” Raz, and that he was a mobster or something. I told him that I wasn’t looking from trouble, but he said he was here to help me. Like all criminals, he said he wasn’t guilty of anything, and that he stuck around there to help all innocent people leave this “rock.” Whatever that meant.
Next thing I know, Al unlocked my cell door, tipped his cap to me, and then he walked through the wall! I gathered my bearings, took a quick nap, and then got out of that cell as fast as I could.
It was long swim back to San Francisco.
- Slocomb Jones has been a professional bum for over 50 years. In April 2007, he officially announced his retirement as a bum, and has segued into a successful second career as a retired bum and part-time bum coach/advisor. Ironically, he’s busier now that he’s retired than he’s ever been in his entire life.
NOTE: If you liked this article, there's plenty more sage wisdom in our Ask a Pirate Archives. Perhaps not wisest advice... but we have plenty of tips and tricks located in our Crime Article Archive. Halloween is always the right time for a good movie, so get schooled in the ways of cinema with our Movie Article Archive!!!
Click HERE to leave a comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com.
Happy Halloween, everyone!
Truth be known, this is my most profitable time of year. The week of Halloween, I usually pull in a few hundred bucks thanks to various costume contests.
One time, I had no idea what day or even month it was and I was passing through a college town somewhere. I saw a big house with funny letters on the side… I smelled cheap beer. I knew I’d found a home for the next few hours.
Someone gave me a pill, a “mood enhancer” and I went crazy. I asked everyone for some spare cash over and over and over and over again… eventually they gave me $500 for best costume.
I kept saying, “This isn’t a costume, it’s a lifestyle!”
In the spirit of Halloween, I’d like to offer some of the wisdom of my travels around the world. I’ve been in a lot of scary places… but only a few actual haunted ones. For Halloween, here’s my top 4 most haunted places in the United States.
4. White House Motel – Thanks to the Presidents and history, the tourism industry is big in Washington DC.
As a professional bum, you need to avoid tourist places. I know, I know, there’s lots of people with money… but since they’re in an unfamiliar place, they’re less likely to talk to strangers. Incidentally, that makes them more susceptible to muggings, but that’s not my style. I’m from the happy-go-lucky school of pro bumming.
Anyhow, knowing this information, I took what cash I had and decided to treat myself to a room for the night. So, I checked out the White House Motel… it’s over by the courthouse in DC. I got a deal on a room for 8 hours. As soon as I got to my room, I stared hearing noises… like moans and stuff.
Hold on, I know the difference between moans and the sounds of a working girl selling ten-dollar anal… and these were definitely moans.
I went outside and saw a tall, skinny, bearded pale figure of a man wandering the hallway looking for a Ford or something. Next thing I know, he was gone.
I should’ve known that a place with a roof is no place for a bum. I checked out after two hours. It’s too bad because the place was real nice.
3. Winchester Home – For most of his bumming career, Stinky Winchester was a bum’s bum. He was good people.
One time, Stinky was simply following the cardinal rule of being a bum… picking up dropped lotto ticket. The thinking is clear: Maybe you’ll win enough for a bottle of good booze. It’s like our version of the lottery: the odds of picking up a dropped winner are the same as actually winning.
Anyhow, Stinky picked up a winner that actually a HUGE winner! He found a dropped ticket that paid him over $50 million dollars! Stinky bought a huge house… but he soon started to see things. People from his past were appearing in the house.
Stinky realized that these were the ghosts of all the people he bummed money from who were now dead and wanted it back! To escape from them, Stinky kept adding rooms to the mansion, trying to get the ghosts.
It didn’t work, and Stinky spent all his money. Eventually, Stinky killed himself in the mansion. Now his ghost haunts the mansion too. A moral tale for all bums, if ever I heard one.
2. Alley Behind a Las Vegas Italian Restaurant – One time, I was in Las Vegas and I was sleeping out behind some Italian restaurant a few miles away from The Strip.
It was late and a bus drove by, and next thing I know, a bunch of people in the bus were taking pictures of me. I stood up to see what was happening… then they yelled at me and the bus drove off. This confused the hell out of me. Thankfully, a nice old gay man came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder.
“They thought you were me,” he said.
“Well, I'm not,” I said.
“I know you’re not, sweetie.”
This guy had on some flashy, sparkly clothes, so the professional in me took over.
“Excuse me sir,” I said. “Do you think you could spare a little...?”
“My dear,” he laughed. “I haven’t needed my money for a long time now. Look at me… I’m fabulous. You don’t need money, honey.”
He turned and walked away from me, but he didn’t have any feet!!!
1. Prison Cell on an Island – One time, after spending an evening in a haze in San Francisco, I woke up and found myself locked up in a dark prison cell.
My head was cut, and I had a note pinned on me that said, “If you can read this… we didn’t hit you hard enough. Stay out of ‘Frisco, bum! – SFPD” Next thing I know, there’s a short, fat, Italian man in my cell. He said his name was Al “Cat” Raz, and that he was a mobster or something. I told him that I wasn’t looking from trouble, but he said he was here to help me. Like all criminals, he said he wasn’t guilty of anything, and that he stuck around there to help all innocent people leave this “rock.” Whatever that meant.
Next thing I know, Al unlocked my cell door, tipped his cap to me, and then he walked through the wall! I gathered my bearings, took a quick nap, and then got out of that cell as fast as I could.
It was long swim back to San Francisco.
- Slocomb Jones has been a professional bum for over 50 years. In April 2007, he officially announced his retirement as a bum, and has segued into a successful second career as a retired bum and part-time bum coach/advisor. Ironically, he’s busier now that he’s retired than he’s ever been in his entire life.
NOTE: If you liked this article, there's plenty more sage wisdom in our Ask a Pirate Archives. Perhaps not wisest advice... but we have plenty of tips and tricks located in our Crime Article Archive. Halloween is always the right time for a good movie, so get schooled in the ways of cinema with our Movie Article Archive!!!
by Stephany Ericson - stephany.ericson@hotmail.com
Click HERE to leave a comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com.
Well dear readers yet another season of Major League Baseball is at an end. Or so I’m told. I am here at RiteAid in line at the pharmaceutical counter writing on my BlackBerry. I’ve been here for days. I get to the front, they say that they “don’t have my prescription Stephany” and suggest I wait.
How do they know my name? Have I been here already this month? Anyway, while I’ve been here waiting for my blue happiness in a bottle, I’ve watched quite a bit of programming on the Television here in the waiting area. Not being much of a TV watcher at home, I am not familiar with many of the names and faces - but that didn’t seem to be much of a problem. All that was on was a 24 hour celebration of the Democratic Presidential Candidate Barrack Obama. On every channel.
I began to seriously wonder if there was still another candidate running in the election. Perhaps the US media has decided we will be a better nation with only a one party system. Well…the Media does know best after all. And besides…the American people are so fed up with what W has done that they are willing to vote in ANYBODY regardless of qualification or ability or nefarious affiliation in college.
There was one pundit who… I believe was on a comedy news program, if there can be such a thing. His main complaint was that nothing good came out of the W years… but then I realized that this very pundit’s DAILY lively hood and SHOW popularity were an outcome of the W years.
Otherwise he would still be just another mediocre Jewish comic from New York. Let’s be mindful of how we arrived at our station in life… shall we?
Hey… what do you say we all go to Harvard Law School!? After all… I think it’s FREE!!!! And then… let’s get some foreign backing for a run at the US Senate it’s not free however… it comes with policy strings attached. What strings? We shall see in the next few years. You may be asking yourself ”Stephany…what happened to your sports articles?...why politics now?”
Well…my little sycophants… are they not all games? Are we not all just marks? MLB survived Pete Rose, Rome survived Commudus, and the US will survive the results of this election.
So… back to some sports news. It seems that during the Olympics, the Chinese Government was tracking the actions of several U.S. Athletes. Among them softballers Jennie Finch, Natasha Watley, and Amanda Freed. Seems that these 3 athletes are very particular and are known to go out for Chinese but to blatantly ask for “NO MSG” in front of all patrons.
Chinese secret service persons were ready to pounce upon any uttering of the syllables ‘Mono,” “Sodium,” and “goldmedal.” One thing about Chinese Secret Service…they are nearly invisible to the naked eye... and they are legion.
This week, the worlds greatest FAIL boxer is hanging up his gloves. Peter Buckley could not see himself losing his 257th bout… so he retired. A livid Gabby Jay said from his Paris loft: "Ce putain de mère fils de pute ... nous ont été prévues dans à la lutte Mars. Maintenant, la chatte départ à la retraite? Je croyais que les Français ont abandonné si facilement, non? Quelle putain de chatte girly homme Pensée mother fucker."
Easy Gabby… maybe you can find Glass Joe’s agent’s phone number somewhere….
And lastly... as I mentioned at the top, Baseball season is over.
Congrats to the Philadelphia Phillies. Shall we all brace ourselves for a torrent of Philly fan initiated inaccurate slurs, misused hyperbole, and testosterone and alcohol fueled bravado not seen or heard since…
well since the Red Sox fans last opened their collective Nation mouths.
Now… when does the next great baseball season start? Right after the re-distribution of wealth has begun...
- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children’s books “The Best of Me,” “2nd of July,” and “Mild, Mild, Oh So Very Mild.” Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.
NOTE: If you liked this article, Stephany has plenty of articles found in our Sports Article Archive. If you're a fan of the political... our writing staff has tackled the issues of the day in our Political Article Archive. Fan of the life of the not so up-and-up? Luckily, you can find a home in our Crime Article Archive!!!
Click HERE to leave a comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com.
Well dear readers yet another season of Major League Baseball is at an end. Or so I’m told. I am here at RiteAid in line at the pharmaceutical counter writing on my BlackBerry. I’ve been here for days. I get to the front, they say that they “don’t have my prescription Stephany” and suggest I wait.
How do they know my name? Have I been here already this month? Anyway, while I’ve been here waiting for my blue happiness in a bottle, I’ve watched quite a bit of programming on the Television here in the waiting area. Not being much of a TV watcher at home, I am not familiar with many of the names and faces - but that didn’t seem to be much of a problem. All that was on was a 24 hour celebration of the Democratic Presidential Candidate Barrack Obama. On every channel.
I began to seriously wonder if there was still another candidate running in the election. Perhaps the US media has decided we will be a better nation with only a one party system. Well…the Media does know best after all. And besides…the American people are so fed up with what W has done that they are willing to vote in ANYBODY regardless of qualification or ability or nefarious affiliation in college.
There was one pundit who… I believe was on a comedy news program, if there can be such a thing. His main complaint was that nothing good came out of the W years… but then I realized that this very pundit’s DAILY lively hood and SHOW popularity were an outcome of the W years.
Otherwise he would still be just another mediocre Jewish comic from New York. Let’s be mindful of how we arrived at our station in life… shall we?
Hey… what do you say we all go to Harvard Law School!? After all… I think it’s FREE!!!! And then… let’s get some foreign backing for a run at the US Senate it’s not free however… it comes with policy strings attached. What strings? We shall see in the next few years. You may be asking yourself ”Stephany…what happened to your sports articles?...why politics now?”
Well…my little sycophants… are they not all games? Are we not all just marks? MLB survived Pete Rose, Rome survived Commudus, and the US will survive the results of this election.
So… back to some sports news. It seems that during the Olympics, the Chinese Government was tracking the actions of several U.S. Athletes. Among them softballers Jennie Finch, Natasha Watley, and Amanda Freed. Seems that these 3 athletes are very particular and are known to go out for Chinese but to blatantly ask for “NO MSG” in front of all patrons.
Chinese secret service persons were ready to pounce upon any uttering of the syllables ‘Mono,” “Sodium,” and “goldmedal.” One thing about Chinese Secret Service…they are nearly invisible to the naked eye... and they are legion.
This week, the worlds greatest FAIL boxer is hanging up his gloves. Peter Buckley could not see himself losing his 257th bout… so he retired. A livid Gabby Jay said from his Paris loft: "Ce putain de mère fils de pute ... nous ont été prévues dans à la lutte Mars. Maintenant, la chatte départ à la retraite? Je croyais que les Français ont abandonné si facilement, non? Quelle putain de chatte girly homme Pensée mother fucker."
Easy Gabby… maybe you can find Glass Joe’s agent’s phone number somewhere….
And lastly... as I mentioned at the top, Baseball season is over.
Congrats to the Philadelphia Phillies. Shall we all brace ourselves for a torrent of Philly fan initiated inaccurate slurs, misused hyperbole, and testosterone and alcohol fueled bravado not seen or heard since…
well since the Red Sox fans last opened their collective Nation mouths.
Now… when does the next great baseball season start? Right after the re-distribution of wealth has begun...
- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children’s books “The Best of Me,” “2nd of July,” and “Mild, Mild, Oh So Very Mild.” Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.
NOTE: If you liked this article, Stephany has plenty of articles found in our Sports Article Archive. If you're a fan of the political... our writing staff has tackled the issues of the day in our Political Article Archive. Fan of the life of the not so up-and-up? Luckily, you can find a home in our Crime Article Archive!!!
starring Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com
and The Schmooz - theschmooz@hotmail.com
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Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com.
- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.
- Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship... as he is an expert, baby.
NOTE: Our collection of comics is slowly growing, so check 'em out in our Internet Article Archive. Speaking of growing... I gotta tell ya, our Crime Article Archive is swelling nicely. With the election less than a week away, let us help sway your vote with our persuasive Political Article Archive!!!
and The Schmooz - theschmooz@hotmail.com
Click HERE to leave a comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com.
- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.
- Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship... as he is an expert, baby.
NOTE: Our collection of comics is slowly growing, so check 'em out in our Internet Article Archive. Speaking of growing... I gotta tell ya, our Crime Article Archive is swelling nicely. With the election less than a week away, let us help sway your vote with our persuasive Political Article Archive!!!
By Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com
Click HERE to leave a comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com
I've been toiling through the ranks of mixed martial arts journalists for several months now with tontoandfriends.com. As more and more mainstream media outlets begin to cover mixed martial arts, it's only natural that said mainstream media outlets have begun to put their own spin on mixed martial arts coverage.
It's to be expected that as there will be a learning curve as new journalists and news outlets become more and more familiar with the sport. As a former heavyweight boxer and title contender, the learning curve has been much easier for myself to navigate around. For others... it been far more difficult. For example, media giant FOX News has discovered a trend in MMA that an anonymous source from within new organization has described as, "un-fucking-believable." For years, the MMA pound-for-pound rankings have been one of the most hotly discussed and debated issues in the sport. Everyone has their opinion and, obviously, anyone who disagrees is a total moron.
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That said, there's been one common denominator that MMA writers have all been able to agree on: the lists have been largely dominated by non-US fighters such Anderson Silva, Georges St. Pierre, Mauricio "Shogun" Rua, Wanderlei Sivaand most notably, Russian heavyweight king, Fedor Emilianenko.
According to many at Fox News, something's missing: Americans. "This just goes on to confirm an anti-American liberal bias in the media," says Sandy Wilburn, FOX News Public Relations VP. "It's completely ridiculous that no Americans are on the top of that list. After all, UFC was invented in America!"
It should be noted that American fighter, and current UFC lightweight champion, B.J. Penn is often considered one of the top MMA fighters on the planet.
"You know, that's not quite good enough for us," said Wilburn on a telephone press conference. "Look at the facts, Mr. Penn is from Hawaii. Sure, that's technically considered America, but it's not even connected to the United Sates. It's hard for me to consider something to be America if I can't drive there in my Explorer."
The Fox News sporting staff contends that as Americans lead the charge in spreading democracy across the world, they also lead the charge in MMA as well.
"Once again, I think it's a fair and balanced approach that's needed with this stuff," says Bill O'Reilly. "When you look at these things with, and here's the key that the mainstream media forgets, when you look at them without any international bias, the ball lands clearly on the side of the Americans in this case. I mean, come on, who ever heard of a Canadian being a good fighter, huh? Name me one Canadian boxer who was worth damn? Same goes with this other stuff they do in a cage."
Even Sean Hannity, the golden boy of Fox, felt compelled to discuss the topic.
"Clearly, this is a blatant case of athletic affirmative action," Hannity said. "This Russian guy, this Fedor whatever... it's so clear that he doesn't deserve to be called the best fighter in the world, he doesn't even have stomach muscles. I can guarantee you that if it was an American with no abs, they would be called fat, lazy, out of shape, and so... but when it's a socialist, they're considered the best in the world."
- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.
NOTE: If you liked this article, we have plenty more sports coverage in our Sports Article Archive. Yeah, I know... who need sports when the election is a week away?!? That's why we have our Political Article Archive. Finally, if the stress of everything is just too much for you, we've got our Ask a Pirate Archive to cheer ya up!!!
Click HERE to leave a comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com
I've been toiling through the ranks of mixed martial arts journalists for several months now with tontoandfriends.com. As more and more mainstream media outlets begin to cover mixed martial arts, it's only natural that said mainstream media outlets have begun to put their own spin on mixed martial arts coverage.
It's to be expected that as there will be a learning curve as new journalists and news outlets become more and more familiar with the sport. As a former heavyweight boxer and title contender, the learning curve has been much easier for myself to navigate around. For others... it been far more difficult. For example, media giant FOX News has discovered a trend in MMA that an anonymous source from within new organization has described as, "un-fucking-believable." For years, the MMA pound-for-pound rankings have been one of the most hotly discussed and debated issues in the sport. Everyone has their opinion and, obviously, anyone who disagrees is a total moron.
That said, there's been one common denominator that MMA writers have all been able to agree on: the lists have been largely dominated by non-US fighters such Anderson Silva, Georges St. Pierre, Mauricio "Shogun" Rua, Wanderlei Sivaand most notably, Russian heavyweight king, Fedor Emilianenko.According to many at Fox News, something's missing: Americans. "This just goes on to confirm an anti-American liberal bias in the media," says Sandy Wilburn, FOX News Public Relations VP. "It's completely ridiculous that no Americans are on the top of that list. After all, UFC was invented in America!"
It should be noted that American fighter, and current UFC lightweight champion, B.J. Penn is often considered one of the top MMA fighters on the planet.
"You know, that's not quite good enough for us," said Wilburn on a telephone press conference. "Look at the facts, Mr. Penn is from Hawaii. Sure, that's technically considered America, but it's not even connected to the United Sates. It's hard for me to consider something to be America if I can't drive there in my Explorer."
The Fox News sporting staff contends that as Americans lead the charge in spreading democracy across the world, they also lead the charge in MMA as well.
"Once again, I think it's a fair and balanced approach that's needed with this stuff," says Bill O'Reilly. "When you look at these things with, and here's the key that the mainstream media forgets, when you look at them without any international bias, the ball lands clearly on the side of the Americans in this case. I mean, come on, who ever heard of a Canadian being a good fighter, huh? Name me one Canadian boxer who was worth damn? Same goes with this other stuff they do in a cage."
Even Sean Hannity, the golden boy of Fox, felt compelled to discuss the topic.
"Clearly, this is a blatant case of athletic affirmative action," Hannity said. "This Russian guy, this Fedor whatever... it's so clear that he doesn't deserve to be called the best fighter in the world, he doesn't even have stomach muscles. I can guarantee you that if it was an American with no abs, they would be called fat, lazy, out of shape, and so... but when it's a socialist, they're considered the best in the world."
- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.
NOTE: If you liked this article, we have plenty more sports coverage in our Sports Article Archive. Yeah, I know... who need sports when the election is a week away?!? That's why we have our Political Article Archive. Finally, if the stress of everything is just too much for you, we've got our Ask a Pirate Archive to cheer ya up!!!
By Linus, The Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com
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Hey.
Tonto’s been trying to get me to join one of his fantasy football leagues. For those of you who have actually seen genitals (other than your own or on the computer) in the past week, allow me to explain: See, there are these people who pretend to have an obsessive interest in a lot of strangers who play on different teams, charting individual statistics on every minute aspect of their lives that almost goes as far as to calculating how many pliant and moss-like turds they make in a day. Really, really sad stuff. But, what the hell.
We’re all a bunch of dreamers. The economy starts acting like a kamikaze pilot, and we have nothing else to do but dream. When life hands people like Tonto an extra-large shit sandwich, what else can he do but take a huge bite and convince himself that he’s eating Tri-Tip? Dreaming’s not all that bad. It takes the edge off when you’re coming down from an aftershave buzz. And, it helps keep one’s priorities in order. Like crime.
In real life, I dole out pain and chaos on my own. Hiring a crew costs too much, and they end up dying on you or giving up your identity, more often than not. But, I watch an awful lot of horror flicks. And sure, there are days I close my eyes and think about how awesome it would be to take over the city with some of the most fearsome villains ever to grace the screen. If I had a gang of horror film villains, here’s who you’d face in a dark alley one fateful night:
1) Asami Yamazaki - Oh, look, you’d think, I may be lost, but at least this friendly-looking Japanese woman can help – OH MY GOD WHAT’S IN THAT BURLAP SACK, AND WHY DOES SHE HAVE PIANO WIRE IN HER HAND!
If you haven’t seen AUDITION yet, finish this article, and cancel all other priorities until you do. Trust me.
2) Marie from Haute Tension - I’d just tell her that you were standing in the way of the love she feels for Alex. Good luck trying to out run a woman who can use a concrete saw with deadly accuracy.
3)Baby Firefly - One, I bet she’s a got a crazy freak flag flying for mimes. Two, she’d distract anyone enough for me or the rest of the gang to deal the pain.
Any dream gang of horror film villains on your list? Leave me a comment! -
Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.
NOTE: If you liked this article, there's more in our Film Article Archive, our Music Article Archive, and our Political Article Archive!!!
Click HERE to leave a comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com
Hey.
Tonto’s been trying to get me to join one of his fantasy football leagues. For those of you who have actually seen genitals (other than your own or on the computer) in the past week, allow me to explain: See, there are these people who pretend to have an obsessive interest in a lot of strangers who play on different teams, charting individual statistics on every minute aspect of their lives that almost goes as far as to calculating how many pliant and moss-like turds they make in a day. Really, really sad stuff. But, what the hell.
We’re all a bunch of dreamers. The economy starts acting like a kamikaze pilot, and we have nothing else to do but dream. When life hands people like Tonto an extra-large shit sandwich, what else can he do but take a huge bite and convince himself that he’s eating Tri-Tip? Dreaming’s not all that bad. It takes the edge off when you’re coming down from an aftershave buzz. And, it helps keep one’s priorities in order. Like crime.
In real life, I dole out pain and chaos on my own. Hiring a crew costs too much, and they end up dying on you or giving up your identity, more often than not. But, I watch an awful lot of horror flicks. And sure, there are days I close my eyes and think about how awesome it would be to take over the city with some of the most fearsome villains ever to grace the screen. If I had a gang of horror film villains, here’s who you’d face in a dark alley one fateful night:
1) Asami Yamazaki - Oh, look, you’d think, I may be lost, but at least this friendly-looking Japanese woman can help – OH MY GOD WHAT’S IN THAT BURLAP SACK, AND WHY DOES SHE HAVE PIANO WIRE IN HER HAND!
If you haven’t seen AUDITION yet, finish this article, and cancel all other priorities until you do. Trust me. 2) Marie from Haute Tension - I’d just tell her that you were standing in the way of the love she feels for Alex. Good luck trying to out run a woman who can use a concrete saw with deadly accuracy.
3)Baby Firefly - One, I bet she’s a got a crazy freak flag flying for mimes. Two, she’d distract anyone enough for me or the rest of the gang to deal the pain.
Any dream gang of horror film villains on your list? Leave me a comment! -
Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.
NOTE: If you liked this article, there's more in our Film Article Archive, our Music Article Archive, and our Political Article Archive!!!
Web Comic - Predator: The Greatest Handshake in Film History!!!
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Carl Weathers,
comedians,
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Starring Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com
and The Schmooz - theschmooz@hotmail.com
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Click HERE to leave a comment, or be a pal and leave some comments at the bottom of the page, will ya?!?
- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.
- Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship... as he is an expert, baby.
NOTE: For more exciting comic adventures, check out our Internet Article Archive. While we haven't reviewed Predator (Vans says it'd three stars, BTW), we've got plenty of film reviews in our Film Article Archives. And uh... let's see... OK, what the hell, here's a link to our Sports Article Archive!!!
and The Schmooz - theschmooz@hotmail.com
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com.
Click HERE to leave a comment, or be a pal and leave some comments at the bottom of the page, will ya?!?
- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.
- Reginald Thurgood is known to his legions of fans as "THE SCHMOOZ," an international Rhythm and Blues singing sensation who has made love to thousands of women across the planet and loves to share every poetic detail. He answers all questions on love and relationship... as he is an expert, baby.
NOTE: For more exciting comic adventures, check out our Internet Article Archive. While we haven't reviewed Predator (Vans says it'd three stars, BTW), we've got plenty of film reviews in our Film Article Archives. And uh... let's see... OK, what the hell, here's a link to our Sports Article Archive!!!
By Melvin, the Pirate - melvin.thepirate@hotmail.com
Click HERE to ask Melvin a question.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com
Ahoy, there mateys!
As we sail into these dark and foreboding election waters, I ask ye to take ye actions with forethought and care. A true pirate votes with a proper code, one that takes the law out of their lives and gives them the strength to challenge the status quo. Now, let’s have at the mail bag!
Wilbur, as a Jungian therapist, I’ve counseled many gay and straight couples, and let me tell ye – relationship issues are the same no matter what sex ye fancy. Gay folks still get jealous, grow apart, cheat on one another, and fail to communicate as well as straight folks.
What Wilbur’s upset about is a California issue. Gay couples have been marrying for months now, and a new Proposition is on the election books to try and stop this. I say let it be. No law’s telling the churches they have to be any less bigoted than they be. It’s just a reminder that this land be a secular land, where rights to every soul should be offered.
Wasn’t too long ago that the churches raised a ruckus over interracial matrimony, and the state had to finally make it legal.
Now Wilbur, I am the gay pirate that ye fear. Me partner and I have kept company for nigh on thirty years. The world hasn’t collapsed, day is still day and night still be night. Our lives be just as boring and simple as any other married folk.
We play Scrabble, argue about which one of us left the oatmeal in the sink, and pamper each other rotten when a sickness takes hold. Let people be people, Wilbur – or ye might face the bloody wrath of a second-class society, stripped of common liberties, with nothing to lose, trading their damned lives for as many villainous souls as they can slaughter.
I’m willing to bet yer face would make a fine trophy…
Captain, I’m ashamed o’ ye! Any good pirate with half a brain in his head knows never to bury their kin in Haitian soil. The land be rich with voodoo, and anything that slumbers in the dark earth will come to surface, the devil taking hold of the recently dead.
Fire, and only fire, will quiet their bodies and cease the gnashing of their murderous teeth!
Shelby, try this: remember that yer only on this spinning ball for a wee short time, and that nothing, I mean nothing ye shall face is the end of the world. If that doesn’t work, try singing to yerself. I be rather fond of a good Phil Collins song when the petty annoyances ‘o life try to press me down.
Take this booty shakin' tune for example:
Any questions?
Leave me a comment!
- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.
NOTE: If you want rum and a box of answers... we can only provide the answers. X marks the spot in our Ask a Pirate Archives. But still, drunken chaos is your thing, huh? Just for you, we have a Crime Article Archive. Oh, I get it, you're the type that gets creative when drunk... gotcha! OK, in that case, you'll love our Music Article Archive!!!
Click HERE to ask Melvin a question.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com
Ahoy, there mateys!
As we sail into these dark and foreboding election waters, I ask ye to take ye actions with forethought and care. A true pirate votes with a proper code, one that takes the law out of their lives and gives them the strength to challenge the status quo. Now, let’s have at the mail bag!
Dear Gay Pirate,
Why do you want gay marriages for? Besides, the Bible clearly mentions Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Why don’t you leave marriages to the straights?
Wilbur from Modesto, CA
Wilbur, as a Jungian therapist, I’ve counseled many gay and straight couples, and let me tell ye – relationship issues are the same no matter what sex ye fancy. Gay folks still get jealous, grow apart, cheat on one another, and fail to communicate as well as straight folks.
What Wilbur’s upset about is a California issue. Gay couples have been marrying for months now, and a new Proposition is on the election books to try and stop this. I say let it be. No law’s telling the churches they have to be any less bigoted than they be. It’s just a reminder that this land be a secular land, where rights to every soul should be offered.
Wasn’t too long ago that the churches raised a ruckus over interracial matrimony, and the state had to finally make it legal.
Now Wilbur, I am the gay pirate that ye fear. Me partner and I have kept company for nigh on thirty years. The world hasn’t collapsed, day is still day and night still be night. Our lives be just as boring and simple as any other married folk.
We play Scrabble, argue about which one of us left the oatmeal in the sink, and pamper each other rotten when a sickness takes hold. Let people be people, Wilbur – or ye might face the bloody wrath of a second-class society, stripped of common liberties, with nothing to lose, trading their damned lives for as many villainous souls as they can slaughter.
I’m willing to bet yer face would make a fine trophy…
Dear Melvin,
I’m writing this with the last bit ‘o candlelight available. Me crew fell deathly ill four days ago in Haiti after consuming a fine meal. I buried them all, and no sooner did I return to me ship, when I see their ghastly bones walking towards me, murder in their eyes. How can I send them to eternal rest?
Captain Vane, the good ship Defiance
Captain, I’m ashamed o’ ye! Any good pirate with half a brain in his head knows never to bury their kin in Haitian soil. The land be rich with voodoo, and anything that slumbers in the dark earth will come to surface, the devil taking hold of the recently dead.
Fire, and only fire, will quiet their bodies and cease the gnashing of their murderous teeth!
Dear Melvin the Pirate,
I find myself feeling harried and anxious over the slightest disturbance. What can I do to relax and enjoy life more?
Shelby, Dallas, TX
Shelby, try this: remember that yer only on this spinning ball for a wee short time, and that nothing, I mean nothing ye shall face is the end of the world. If that doesn’t work, try singing to yerself. I be rather fond of a good Phil Collins song when the petty annoyances ‘o life try to press me down.
Take this booty shakin' tune for example:
Any questions?
Leave me a comment!
- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.
NOTE: If you want rum and a box of answers... we can only provide the answers. X marks the spot in our Ask a Pirate Archives. But still, drunken chaos is your thing, huh? Just for you, we have a Crime Article Archive. Oh, I get it, you're the type that gets creative when drunk... gotcha! OK, in that case, you'll love our Music Article Archive!!!
By Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com.
Click HERE to leave a comment.
Don’t you people get it… baseball sucks. Come on. I thought I made it clear in this article.
Look, I get plenty of email from tontoandfriends.com. Usually, it’s from overseas lottery boards, desperate African princes, and disgruntled Motley Crue fans.
Once in a while, I get a raging correspondence from a baseball fan, obviously upset over the cold, hard fact that the sport they love pretty much sucks. What follows is a “fan” letter from a baseball lover – name withheld.
9 REASONS WHY YOU ARE A RETARD (and have no idea what you are talking about)
1 announcers have nothing to do with the game of baseball
No, of course announcers have nothing whatsoever to do with the game… It’s not like they communicate the game and are the de facto spokespeople for the game to millions of people across the world. Part of their job is to explain the action to viewers and make the broadcasts exciting (because someone has to make it worth watching).
2 you have a sick mind (golf is probably the second hardest sport)
We agree on one point; I have a sick mind. The agreement ends there.
Golf isn’t a sport. Mosh pitting is more of a sport than golf. FACT: the average mosh-pitter is a better athlete than the average golfer. At the elite level, there's no comparison.
3 baseball is the biggest team sport ever, it takes a whole team to win a game (pitcher, defense, and offense)
Nope. Baseball boils down to one-on-one. Pitcher, batter. Actually, as a team, not the biggest either. Football, which also sucks, has baseball beat. A home run or a strikeout can win a game, which takes exactly ONE person on a team to do.
4 hitting a baseball is the hardest thing to do in sports
Not even close to being accurate. Playing a whole season and not knocking up multiple women in different cities is far more difficult (that’s why I always pull out!). Organizing an illegal dogfight is far more difficult. Getting your old memorabilia back from a shady dealer in a Vegas casino is even tougher than hitting a baseball.
And besides, many of the best hitters, including Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle, were raging drunks. Anything that can be done well piss drunk is… well, pretty easy.
5 baseball is the only sport with no full of themselves assholes
Not “full of themselves?” I’ll I know is that several heroes refused to testify in front of Congress for that whole steroid thing. That’s pretty arrogant if you ask me. If you’re going to court and have no plans on testifying, at least get drunk and earn your contempt charge.
How about that John Rocker guy? He was pretty cool, yeah? Well, unless you’re like a minority or something.
Should I even bring up Ty Cobb?
How about the fact that baseball owners and scouts have created an atmosphere in third-world countries to where kids have to lie about their age because a scout isn’t interested in a prospect who is the ripe old age of 19… or god forbid 20?
6 what else would they wear, pants, shirt and tie, come on baseball is a dirty game not for dress up
Dirty? Are you kidding me? They have a fucking roof on the dugout! They call it off if it rains and cover the field. Give me a break!
7 you dont get tired after 7 innings, if you do you shouldn't be out there, relief pitchers are meant to relief the starting pithcer, hints their name.
Relief [ri-leef] Noun.
1. alleviation, ease, or deliverance through the removal of pain, distress, oppression, etc.
2. a means or thing that relieves pain, distress, anxiety, etc.
If the starting pitchers aren’t tired, why do they need a replacement?
8 you're a pussy
You can say whatever you want about me. I haven’t gone into work for plenty of reasons: jail, because the Circle Jerks played the night before, my friend was on the Richard Bey show… plenty of legitimate reasons to miss work, but I’ve never missed a shift at the video store because I sneezed, strained putting on boots, had a bad dream, ate a donut, or was hurt tanning. Now baseball players, they can’t say that.
9 you probably suck at it. try hitting a 90mph fastball or pitching to david ortiz or catching a line drive coming at you 120 mph while only 90 feet away or feilding a ball CLEANLY and making a GOOD throw before a guy gets there in 3 seconds
Look, I saw the Major League trilogy. If that group of misfits can win it all... if John Goodman can play The Babe and if the Bad News Bears get to play in Japan, it's not like we're talking about a high level game here.
- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.
NOTE: If you liked this article, there's plenty more sports analysis and opinion in our Sports Article Archive. The political season more interesting than baseball? How's about the Political Article Archive, huh? Just want to relax with some tunes? Well, the best we can do is offer up our Music Article Archive!!!
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com.
Click HERE to leave a comment.
Don’t you people get it… baseball sucks. Come on. I thought I made it clear in this article.
Look, I get plenty of email from tontoandfriends.com. Usually, it’s from overseas lottery boards, desperate African princes, and disgruntled Motley Crue fans.
Once in a while, I get a raging correspondence from a baseball fan, obviously upset over the cold, hard fact that the sport they love pretty much sucks. What follows is a “fan” letter from a baseball lover – name withheld.
9 REASONS WHY YOU ARE A RETARD (and have no idea what you are talking about)
1 announcers have nothing to do with the game of baseball
No, of course announcers have nothing whatsoever to do with the game… It’s not like they communicate the game and are the de facto spokespeople for the game to millions of people across the world. Part of their job is to explain the action to viewers and make the broadcasts exciting (because someone has to make it worth watching).
2 you have a sick mind (golf is probably the second hardest sport)
We agree on one point; I have a sick mind. The agreement ends there.
Golf isn’t a sport. Mosh pitting is more of a sport than golf. FACT: the average mosh-pitter is a better athlete than the average golfer. At the elite level, there's no comparison.
3 baseball is the biggest team sport ever, it takes a whole team to win a game (pitcher, defense, and offense)
Nope. Baseball boils down to one-on-one. Pitcher, batter. Actually, as a team, not the biggest either. Football, which also sucks, has baseball beat. A home run or a strikeout can win a game, which takes exactly ONE person on a team to do.
4 hitting a baseball is the hardest thing to do in sports
Not even close to being accurate. Playing a whole season and not knocking up multiple women in different cities is far more difficult (that’s why I always pull out!). Organizing an illegal dogfight is far more difficult. Getting your old memorabilia back from a shady dealer in a Vegas casino is even tougher than hitting a baseball.
And besides, many of the best hitters, including Babe Ruth and Mickey Mantle, were raging drunks. Anything that can be done well piss drunk is… well, pretty easy.
5 baseball is the only sport with no full of themselves assholes
Not “full of themselves?” I’ll I know is that several heroes refused to testify in front of Congress for that whole steroid thing. That’s pretty arrogant if you ask me. If you’re going to court and have no plans on testifying, at least get drunk and earn your contempt charge.
How about that John Rocker guy? He was pretty cool, yeah? Well, unless you’re like a minority or something.
Should I even bring up Ty Cobb?
How about the fact that baseball owners and scouts have created an atmosphere in third-world countries to where kids have to lie about their age because a scout isn’t interested in a prospect who is the ripe old age of 19… or god forbid 20?
6 what else would they wear, pants, shirt and tie, come on baseball is a dirty game not for dress up
Dirty? Are you kidding me? They have a fucking roof on the dugout! They call it off if it rains and cover the field. Give me a break!
7 you dont get tired after 7 innings, if you do you shouldn't be out there, relief pitchers are meant to relief the starting pithcer, hints their name.
Relief [ri-leef] Noun.
1. alleviation, ease, or deliverance through the removal of pain, distress, oppression, etc.
2. a means or thing that relieves pain, distress, anxiety, etc.
If the starting pitchers aren’t tired, why do they need a replacement?
8 you're a pussy
You can say whatever you want about me. I haven’t gone into work for plenty of reasons: jail, because the Circle Jerks played the night before, my friend was on the Richard Bey show… plenty of legitimate reasons to miss work, but I’ve never missed a shift at the video store because I sneezed, strained putting on boots, had a bad dream, ate a donut, or was hurt tanning. Now baseball players, they can’t say that.
9 you probably suck at it. try hitting a 90mph fastball or pitching to david ortiz or catching a line drive coming at you 120 mph while only 90 feet away or feilding a ball CLEANLY and making a GOOD throw before a guy gets there in 3 seconds
Look, I saw the Major League trilogy. If that group of misfits can win it all... if John Goodman can play The Babe and if the Bad News Bears get to play in Japan, it's not like we're talking about a high level game here.
- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.
NOTE: If you liked this article, there's plenty more sports analysis and opinion in our Sports Article Archive. The political season more interesting than baseball? How's about the Political Article Archive, huh? Just want to relax with some tunes? Well, the best we can do is offer up our Music Article Archive!!!
Life Lessons Video Games Taught Me!!!
Labels:
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comedy writing,
entertainment,
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satire,
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By Linus, The Angry Mime - linustheangrymime@hotmail.com
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Hey.
Tonto, you’re a bitch.
Sure, you put my words up on your page, which provides me with the email addresses of desperate, attractive women who love to send me pictures of them dressed in whiteface.
Sure, once in a freaking blue moon, after I rouse you out of a nail-polish-induced coma and flatten your testicles with a waffle iron, you pay me for what I write. (keeps me living on a steady diet of Tabasco and cockroaches)
Sure, you’re slapping your meat bag against Stephany’s crazy box, and it makes me laugh, how low you’ve stooped. You used to date women, Tonto. Women who didn’t smell like vomit, kitty litter, and Vicodin. Ring rats who didn’t talk your ear off about goddamn spritelys.
But, facts are facts. You’re a grade-A-one-leap-over the fence-into-the-lust-laden-embrace-of-a-junk-yard-dog-bitch.
Here’s why:
Punch Out was a crappy game. You had what – three, four moves??
You had a referee who was far too obsessed with Princess Peach to make a decent call.
The graphics looked like they belonged on a Lite-Brite.
Be glad, for once, that you escaped being the butt of a joke.
But you keep grabbing your shriveled up tomahawk and whining to anyone who’s around, telling them that this video game could have given you a better life. Games don’t make any one’s life better. They’re timewasters, things kids do to forget that they’re living in an orphanage that’s got an inch of warm urine all over the floor everywhere you go, even in the chapel.
I will admit, though, that video games do teach you some much-needed life skills. Here’s a few I picked up in my childhood:
1) Custer’s Revenge-Atari 2600 - When this game came out, every kid in the orphanage wanted to sneak a peek at it. It was an adult game that had you play a naked General Custer, making his way past obstacles to have his way with an American Indian called “Revenge.”
Read that last sentence again.
I didn’t make that up. Your goal was to fuck the Indians. Literally.
So, one faked case of the flu, six rocks, and a trip to Babbage’s later, I plugged in my stolen Atari 2600 and copy of Custer’s Revenge, and awaited my transformation from boy into man.
Lesson Learned: Idiots will do or buy anything if you promise them nudity. Anyone with a basic understanding of graphics back then could have realized that a bunch of pink squares does not a good masturbation session make.
Also, the game was filled with more tics than Tonto’s mattress. All was not lost, however; I walked away from the experience a better, more tempered child.
The next day, I charged the orphan kids two dollars each to play the game, and threatened to beat up any kid who told each other that the game sucks.
2) Two Crude Dudes-Arcade/Sega Genesis - You may not believe this, but video game manufacturers tend to lack a lot of originality. When Double Dragon came out, hundreds of games devoted to the holy grail of kicking ass spewed forth, all with varying levels of quality.
Let me save you time, and turn you on to the best in the genre of “post-apocalyptic, bad guys all waiting their turn to meet your fury, cheap graphics” beat-em-up games. Two Crude Dudes was a perfect example of truth in advertising. You played two whacked-out musclemen who fought mutants who were created by nuclear fallout, and regained health by drinking extreme, caffeinated sodas.
Lesson Learned: Anything is a weapon. This game was the first one I ever played where you could use the environment (traffic cones, stop signs, traffic lights, garbage cans, litter, and even CARS) to hurt people. Sure, there were the standard weapons lying around as well, but only wussies used a knife in a battle when picking up your enemies and throwing them at each other worked just as well. This revelation was a personal epiphany in this mime’s life.
Because of this game, I’ve saved my life hundreds of times over, always one step ahead of my enemies by making weapons out of the world around me.
3) Rygar-NES Version - This was less a video game than an exercise in frustration. I want you to bear in mind that this game came after Metroid (which had password save features) and The Legend of Zelda (which allowed you to save your progress in the game) and still had NO way to save your progress whatsoever.
Which would be fine if it took several hours or less to beat the game, right?
This game took me over three days to beat. I left the game on and slept in two-hour bursts. My hands were covered in bloody blisters. And, when I finally beat the game, was I privy to a spectacular cut scene? A comprehensive list of game designers?
No. All it said was “The End.”
Bullshit!
Lesson Learned: Be prepared and don’t make complicated choices. A good criminal doesn’t craft some master plan that requires years and years of research.
A good criminal knows enough about crime to make a simple, effective choice. Why work on the perfect mix of arsenic in someone’s oatmeal to rub them out, when a sock filled with rusty nails does the job just as easily?
Why suddenly start dealing with a new contact who swears he can move a carton of umbilical cords when you haven’t taken the time to discover that his last three business partners ended up parted out and sold as lunch meat?
4.) Contra-NES Version - Every one knows the best game on NES was Contra. Why is this? The graphics? The gameplay? The story line? The music?
No. No. No. No.
Simple. Because you could steal the other players' extra lives.
When you got shot... most likely because your partner can't shoot his way out of a wet island crawling with alien soldiers to save his worthless ass, you just steel take a life and continue carrying your partner's dead weight through the jungle.
Lesson Learned: It taught the people you played with to rise up to your standards or die - skills that I use to this very day.
What games brought you some true life lessons? Send me a comment!
- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.
NOTE: If you liked this article, there's more video game humor (well, a little at least) embedded in our Internet/Video Game Article Archive. Got a burning question that only a gay pirate can answer? You're in luck, because our very own Melvin the Pirate is just the man you need! Check out His Article Archive and ask away. Otherwise, waste some time with some stellar tunes in our Music Article Archive!!!
Click HERE to leave a comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com
Hey.
Tonto, you’re a bitch.
Sure, you put my words up on your page, which provides me with the email addresses of desperate, attractive women who love to send me pictures of them dressed in whiteface.
Sure, once in a freaking blue moon, after I rouse you out of a nail-polish-induced coma and flatten your testicles with a waffle iron, you pay me for what I write. (keeps me living on a steady diet of Tabasco and cockroaches)
Sure, you’re slapping your meat bag against Stephany’s crazy box, and it makes me laugh, how low you’ve stooped. You used to date women, Tonto. Women who didn’t smell like vomit, kitty litter, and Vicodin. Ring rats who didn’t talk your ear off about goddamn spritelys.
But, facts are facts. You’re a grade-A-one-leap-over the fence-into-the-lust-laden-embrace-of-a-junk-yard-dog-bitch.
Here’s why:
Punch Out was a crappy game. You had what – three, four moves??
You had a referee who was far too obsessed with Princess Peach to make a decent call.
The graphics looked like they belonged on a Lite-Brite.
Be glad, for once, that you escaped being the butt of a joke.
But you keep grabbing your shriveled up tomahawk and whining to anyone who’s around, telling them that this video game could have given you a better life. Games don’t make any one’s life better. They’re timewasters, things kids do to forget that they’re living in an orphanage that’s got an inch of warm urine all over the floor everywhere you go, even in the chapel.
I will admit, though, that video games do teach you some much-needed life skills. Here’s a few I picked up in my childhood:
1) Custer’s Revenge-Atari 2600 - When this game came out, every kid in the orphanage wanted to sneak a peek at it. It was an adult game that had you play a naked General Custer, making his way past obstacles to have his way with an American Indian called “Revenge.”
Read that last sentence again.
I didn’t make that up. Your goal was to fuck the Indians. Literally.
So, one faked case of the flu, six rocks, and a trip to Babbage’s later, I plugged in my stolen Atari 2600 and copy of Custer’s Revenge, and awaited my transformation from boy into man.
Lesson Learned: Idiots will do or buy anything if you promise them nudity. Anyone with a basic understanding of graphics back then could have realized that a bunch of pink squares does not a good masturbation session make.
Also, the game was filled with more tics than Tonto’s mattress. All was not lost, however; I walked away from the experience a better, more tempered child.
The next day, I charged the orphan kids two dollars each to play the game, and threatened to beat up any kid who told each other that the game sucks.
2) Two Crude Dudes-Arcade/Sega Genesis - You may not believe this, but video game manufacturers tend to lack a lot of originality. When Double Dragon came out, hundreds of games devoted to the holy grail of kicking ass spewed forth, all with varying levels of quality.
Let me save you time, and turn you on to the best in the genre of “post-apocalyptic, bad guys all waiting their turn to meet your fury, cheap graphics” beat-em-up games. Two Crude Dudes was a perfect example of truth in advertising. You played two whacked-out musclemen who fought mutants who were created by nuclear fallout, and regained health by drinking extreme, caffeinated sodas.
Lesson Learned: Anything is a weapon. This game was the first one I ever played where you could use the environment (traffic cones, stop signs, traffic lights, garbage cans, litter, and even CARS) to hurt people. Sure, there were the standard weapons lying around as well, but only wussies used a knife in a battle when picking up your enemies and throwing them at each other worked just as well. This revelation was a personal epiphany in this mime’s life.
Because of this game, I’ve saved my life hundreds of times over, always one step ahead of my enemies by making weapons out of the world around me.
3) Rygar-NES Version - This was less a video game than an exercise in frustration. I want you to bear in mind that this game came after Metroid (which had password save features) and The Legend of Zelda (which allowed you to save your progress in the game) and still had NO way to save your progress whatsoever.
Which would be fine if it took several hours or less to beat the game, right?
This game took me over three days to beat. I left the game on and slept in two-hour bursts. My hands were covered in bloody blisters. And, when I finally beat the game, was I privy to a spectacular cut scene? A comprehensive list of game designers?
No. All it said was “The End.”
Bullshit!
Lesson Learned: Be prepared and don’t make complicated choices. A good criminal doesn’t craft some master plan that requires years and years of research.
A good criminal knows enough about crime to make a simple, effective choice. Why work on the perfect mix of arsenic in someone’s oatmeal to rub them out, when a sock filled with rusty nails does the job just as easily?
Why suddenly start dealing with a new contact who swears he can move a carton of umbilical cords when you haven’t taken the time to discover that his last three business partners ended up parted out and sold as lunch meat?
4.) Contra-NES Version - Every one knows the best game on NES was Contra. Why is this? The graphics? The gameplay? The story line? The music?
No. No. No. No.
Simple. Because you could steal the other players' extra lives.
When you got shot... most likely because your partner can't shoot his way out of a wet island crawling with alien soldiers to save his worthless ass, you just steel take a life and continue carrying your partner's dead weight through the jungle.
Lesson Learned: It taught the people you played with to rise up to your standards or die - skills that I use to this very day.
What games brought you some true life lessons? Send me a comment!
- Linus is a world renowned mime artist whose productions “She Walks with Ghosts”, and “Sleep” have won him several international awards, such as the Deburau Prize He also served fifteen years in Oregon State Penitentiary for grand larceny. He trained in Paris at the International School of Corporeal Mime and will beat up anyone who has a problem with it.
NOTE: If you liked this article, there's more video game humor (well, a little at least) embedded in our Internet/Video Game Article Archive. Got a burning question that only a gay pirate can answer? You're in luck, because our very own Melvin the Pirate is just the man you need! Check out His Article Archive and ask away. Otherwise, waste some time with some stellar tunes in our Music Article Archive!!!
by Bustamante - therealbustamante@hotmail.com
and Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com
Click HERE to leave a comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com.
And for those doubters, check out the trailer for yourself!
- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.
- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.
NOTE: If you liked this comic, we have a few more in our Web Article Archive. Or, we've got... oh hell, I'm short on the clever today, so here's a link to our Film Article Archives and here's one more for our Sports Article Archive!!! Besides, you can check out all of our articles by clicking the links at the top of the page.
and Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com
Click HERE to leave a comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com.
And for those doubters, check out the trailer for yourself!
- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.
- Bustamante is the current Tennis instructor at a swanky Newport Beach, Ca. country club/yacht club. Not much is known about Bustamante except that he taught junior high math for a period of time in the 80’s, and that he’s pretty phenomenal with a hackysack. He was good enough to go pro, but corporate sponsorship just wasn’t there for the sport to get off the ground in the mid 70’s.
NOTE: If you liked this comic, we have a few more in our Web Article Archive. Or, we've got... oh hell, I'm short on the clever today, so here's a link to our Film Article Archives and here's one more for our Sports Article Archive!!! Besides, you can check out all of our articles by clicking the links at the top of the page.
By Melvin, the Pirate - melvin.thepirate@hotmail.com
Click HERE to ask Melvin a question.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com
Ahoy there, mateys!
Belvedere, me beloved mastiff, had had a case of the canine croup this past week. I’ve been sitting up at nights with the beast, singing him quaint and rousing lullabies to sooth him into a deep sleep.
Needless to say, me readers, I’m a wee bit exhausted, so forgive yours truly if me temper be harsh and me patience thin as April ice. Let’s peer into the mail bag, and speak the dangerous truth!
Captain Grundy, it’s a dangerous decision to choose leeches as behavior modification. Ye don’t know which of ye crew could be allergic to the slippery suckers. Having the leeches suck out blood is a strange and unwelcome sensation – that be true, but the worse part is when ye try to force them off too abruptly or reuse leeches on other victims.
Forcing off leeches in any other fashion other than the fingernail method will cause them to vomit their fill right back into ye flesh, which is a sure way to bring infection into ye body. Reusing leeches will do the same.
When in doubt, a psychological punishment is always better than a physical one, and has less health effects. Try making yer ne’er-do-wells strip naked and perform their duties like normal for a day.
Think of it this way, Alfred: beauty that is not savored is never truly understood. Otherwise, it be nothing more than an idealized beauty.
Reminds me of the time I first met me love, Hiram. I was in between voyages, and relaxing in Barbados, when I spy this young, gallant chef cooking plantains out in the open air. His red mane was covered with smoke.
Sure, I could have kept his visage in me mind, Alfred, and never spoken to him, choosing instead not to muddy me perception of a perfect and unsullied beauty. But one doesn’t grow and celebrate beauty until they get their hands dirty, and look beyond the surface to discover the multitude of characteristics that make peaches and people so beautiful.
Well, ye misguided jackanape, only adolescent children take Nietzsche to heart. If I’d only had the ability to counsel him, I’d have warned him not to have sex parties with Wagner and especially not to douse his rod into the pleasant gasp of love without wrapping it tighter than a noose in sheepskin.
Wouldn’t have died of syphilis then, and wouldn’t have earned such a horrid reputation when his Nazi-loving sister rewrote his words to strengthen her side. Any other questions?
Send me a comment!
- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.
NOTE: If Melvin gives just the right advice ye be looking for... you'd be best wise to read more of him in our Ask a Pirate Archives. Got questions on funny ways to commit funny crimes? Check out our (for entertainment purposes only!) Crime Article Archives. Want to enjoy a flick with yer first mate or a classy lass? Learn all about the finer points of the cinema with our Film Article Archives!!!
Click HERE to ask Melvin a question.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com
Ahoy there, mateys!
Belvedere, me beloved mastiff, had had a case of the canine croup this past week. I’ve been sitting up at nights with the beast, singing him quaint and rousing lullabies to sooth him into a deep sleep.
Needless to say, me readers, I’m a wee bit exhausted, so forgive yours truly if me temper be harsh and me patience thin as April ice. Let’s peer into the mail bag, and speak the dangerous truth!
Dear Melvin,
I like to punish me crew for misconduct by covering their naked bodies with leeches and listening to them scream for about an hour. Some of them think the practice be a bit harsh and unethical – what say ye?
Solomon Grundy, Captain of the good ship Infernos
Captain Grundy, it’s a dangerous decision to choose leeches as behavior modification. Ye don’t know which of ye crew could be allergic to the slippery suckers. Having the leeches suck out blood is a strange and unwelcome sensation – that be true, but the worse part is when ye try to force them off too abruptly or reuse leeches on other victims.
Forcing off leeches in any other fashion other than the fingernail method will cause them to vomit their fill right back into ye flesh, which is a sure way to bring infection into ye body. Reusing leeches will do the same.
When in doubt, a psychological punishment is always better than a physical one, and has less health effects. Try making yer ne’er-do-wells strip naked and perform their duties like normal for a day.
Dear Pirate Therapist,
I find myself unable to make the decision to eat a peach. They seem so ripe and sensual, but I’m afraid to spoil their beauty just to satisfy my curiosity. Whatever shall I do?
J. Alfred Prufrock
Think of it this way, Alfred: beauty that is not savored is never truly understood. Otherwise, it be nothing more than an idealized beauty.
Reminds me of the time I first met me love, Hiram. I was in between voyages, and relaxing in Barbados, when I spy this young, gallant chef cooking plantains out in the open air. His red mane was covered with smoke.
Sure, I could have kept his visage in me mind, Alfred, and never spoken to him, choosing instead not to muddy me perception of a perfect and unsullied beauty. But one doesn’t grow and celebrate beauty until they get their hands dirty, and look beyond the surface to discover the multitude of characteristics that make peaches and people so beautiful.
Dear Jungian Pirate Therapist,
Carl Jung can suck it, for all I care. Why don’t you practice the tenets of a real philosopher like Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche?
Zarathrustra
Well, ye misguided jackanape, only adolescent children take Nietzsche to heart. If I’d only had the ability to counsel him, I’d have warned him not to have sex parties with Wagner and especially not to douse his rod into the pleasant gasp of love without wrapping it tighter than a noose in sheepskin.
Wouldn’t have died of syphilis then, and wouldn’t have earned such a horrid reputation when his Nazi-loving sister rewrote his words to strengthen her side. Any other questions?
Send me a comment!
- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.
NOTE: If Melvin gives just the right advice ye be looking for... you'd be best wise to read more of him in our Ask a Pirate Archives. Got questions on funny ways to commit funny crimes? Check out our (for entertainment purposes only!) Crime Article Archives. Want to enjoy a flick with yer first mate or a classy lass? Learn all about the finer points of the cinema with our Film Article Archives!!!
By Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com
Click HERE to leave a comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com
Insomnia is a real pain in the ass. Besides taking a left hook on the temple from Larry Holmes, there’s nothing much worse than laying in bed all night, tired as hell, ans not being able to fall asleep.
Last night, my mind drifted back to my glimpse of stardom, my one shot at being immortalized… My shot at being a World Circuit character in the planned Larry Holmes’ Punch Out!!!
I tossed and turned all night thinking about what could’ve been. Would I be stuck in a corner studio apartment? Would my only source of companionship be an organ-stealing mime, a video store manager, a hippie, and a children’s book author with… dependency issues of the chemical and un-chemical make? Does Bald Bull have to blog to pay for his groceries?!
That’s actually a good question… what is Bald Bull up to these days? And not Bull, what about the rest of the gang? How are they faring?
Well… I found out!
Glass Joe – Still Fighting, believe it or not! At 75, he’s a proud Frenchman who’s still going strong. By strong I mean, at least he’s not dead yet. His last big fight was a WW2 revenge bout vs. Von Kaiser where…at least Glass Joe showed up.
Some good news for Joe to report. He recently earned his second professional win! Turns out, his opponent thought his friends were playing a practical joke on him by setting up the fight and the guy no-showed to the arena. He was quoted as saying, “Aw man, I thought that guy was dead!” Glass Joe took a win by DQ, upping his record to 2-153.
Von Kaiser - Now happily retired from boxing and the once Minor Circuit gate-keeper makes a successful living touring the country dominating the “John Bolton look-alike contest” circuit.
Piston Honda - Piston really loved being in front of the camera, and went on to become a game show host. His most successful program was "TKO From Tokyo" where contestants would allow themselves to be hit by the wackiest things possible (armadillos, pineapples, and yo-yo's, to name a few) to see who could remain standing. Those wacky Japanese...
Don Flamenco – Became a best-selling author with such titles as “How do Dance Your Way Into Her Pants,” “Flamenco’s Guide To Magic – Vol. 1 ‘How to Make Roses Vanish From Your Mouth,” and “Fixing Flaws in Your Game… Don’t Let Women KO You With Alternating Head Punches.”
King Hippo – At the end of his boxing career, King Hippo ran a conspiracy theory website from a local cyber café. After attracting the attention of “the wrong sort of people with badges…” Hippo fled the states.
King Hippo now runs a Southern Pacific cult of fat men with no penises, who can’t seem keep their pants on. They practice strange tribal/cannibalistic rituals against their most feared enemy, Chris Hansen from NBC’s Dateline.
Look for a Discovery Channel special soon, “The Shrouded Mysteries of the Dick-less men of the South Pacific.”
Great Tiger – The dude totally vanished off the face of the Earth. Seriously. It’s like he just got up and left.
Bald Bull – I was right… Bald Bull doesn’t have to blog for bucks. He’s now a real estate agent based in New Mexico. I found his business card floating around the Internet… Yeah, I’ll admit, I blocked out his contact info. He’s not making more money off my readers!
Soda Popinski – Perhaps the most athletically gifted boxer of his generation, unfortunately Popinski never broke into the upper echelon of heavyweight fighters. More than one critic has pointed to his caffeine addiction as the catalyst towards his untimely downfall.
“Who needs to do road work,” Popinski was fond of saying. “I’ve been hopped up on Jolt for two weeks straight!”
Like many athletes who found fame and early success, it was Popinski’s personal demons that kept ultimate glory a six pack (or twelve away). Sadly, Popinski fell into heavy debt with the Russian mob and you can find him working at a Las Vegas strip club as a bouncer who is called upon at times when, “the client doesn't agree with his bill…"
Mr. Sandman – Runs a small gym in a small town training a crop of upcoming fighters. Sounds fairly well-adjusted… that’s boring. Moving on…
Super Macho Man – As I well know, a boxer’s shelf life can be a cruel and short one. For many boxers, once you get that one shot at the title and miss (regardless of whether it’s by a brutal KO or a razor-thin decision), your time in the sun is over. Boxing can be unforgiving to those who fall short.
Some never bounce back… and some bounce back just fine, as in the case of Super Macho Man. Any man who is as proficient at pectoral flexing as S.M.M., and possesses a grey mullet perm will have a long, healthy career in front of the camera in adult films.
- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.
NOTE: If you liked this article, there's more video game hijinks and comics in our Internet/tech stuff article archive. More of a fan of Mike Tyson in his prime? Well, you'd be wise to spend 4 years in our Crime article archive. If you're more into pure athletics, stick a needle in your butt and get hopped up on our Sports column archive!!!
Click HERE to leave a comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com
Insomnia is a real pain in the ass. Besides taking a left hook on the temple from Larry Holmes, there’s nothing much worse than laying in bed all night, tired as hell, ans not being able to fall asleep.
Last night, my mind drifted back to my glimpse of stardom, my one shot at being immortalized… My shot at being a World Circuit character in the planned Larry Holmes’ Punch Out!!!
I tossed and turned all night thinking about what could’ve been. Would I be stuck in a corner studio apartment? Would my only source of companionship be an organ-stealing mime, a video store manager, a hippie, and a children’s book author with… dependency issues of the chemical and un-chemical make? Does Bald Bull have to blog to pay for his groceries?!
That’s actually a good question… what is Bald Bull up to these days? And not Bull, what about the rest of the gang? How are they faring?
Well… I found out!
Glass Joe – Still Fighting, believe it or not! At 75, he’s a proud Frenchman who’s still going strong. By strong I mean, at least he’s not dead yet. His last big fight was a WW2 revenge bout vs. Von Kaiser where…at least Glass Joe showed up.
Some good news for Joe to report. He recently earned his second professional win! Turns out, his opponent thought his friends were playing a practical joke on him by setting up the fight and the guy no-showed to the arena. He was quoted as saying, “Aw man, I thought that guy was dead!” Glass Joe took a win by DQ, upping his record to 2-153.
Von Kaiser - Now happily retired from boxing and the once Minor Circuit gate-keeper makes a successful living touring the country dominating the “John Bolton look-alike contest” circuit.
Piston Honda - Piston really loved being in front of the camera, and went on to become a game show host. His most successful program was "TKO From Tokyo" where contestants would allow themselves to be hit by the wackiest things possible (armadillos, pineapples, and yo-yo's, to name a few) to see who could remain standing. Those wacky Japanese...
Don Flamenco – Became a best-selling author with such titles as “How do Dance Your Way Into Her Pants,” “Flamenco’s Guide To Magic – Vol. 1 ‘How to Make Roses Vanish From Your Mouth,” and “Fixing Flaws in Your Game… Don’t Let Women KO You With Alternating Head Punches.”
King Hippo – At the end of his boxing career, King Hippo ran a conspiracy theory website from a local cyber café. After attracting the attention of “the wrong sort of people with badges…” Hippo fled the states.
King Hippo now runs a Southern Pacific cult of fat men with no penises, who can’t seem keep their pants on. They practice strange tribal/cannibalistic rituals against their most feared enemy, Chris Hansen from NBC’s Dateline.
Look for a Discovery Channel special soon, “The Shrouded Mysteries of the Dick-less men of the South Pacific.”
Great Tiger – The dude totally vanished off the face of the Earth. Seriously. It’s like he just got up and left.
Bald Bull – I was right… Bald Bull doesn’t have to blog for bucks. He’s now a real estate agent based in New Mexico. I found his business card floating around the Internet… Yeah, I’ll admit, I blocked out his contact info. He’s not making more money off my readers!
Soda Popinski – Perhaps the most athletically gifted boxer of his generation, unfortunately Popinski never broke into the upper echelon of heavyweight fighters. More than one critic has pointed to his caffeine addiction as the catalyst towards his untimely downfall.
“Who needs to do road work,” Popinski was fond of saying. “I’ve been hopped up on Jolt for two weeks straight!”
Like many athletes who found fame and early success, it was Popinski’s personal demons that kept ultimate glory a six pack (or twelve away). Sadly, Popinski fell into heavy debt with the Russian mob and you can find him working at a Las Vegas strip club as a bouncer who is called upon at times when, “the client doesn't agree with his bill…"
Mr. Sandman – Runs a small gym in a small town training a crop of upcoming fighters. Sounds fairly well-adjusted… that’s boring. Moving on…
Super Macho Man – As I well know, a boxer’s shelf life can be a cruel and short one. For many boxers, once you get that one shot at the title and miss (regardless of whether it’s by a brutal KO or a razor-thin decision), your time in the sun is over. Boxing can be unforgiving to those who fall short.
Some never bounce back… and some bounce back just fine, as in the case of Super Macho Man. Any man who is as proficient at pectoral flexing as S.M.M., and possesses a grey mullet perm will have a long, healthy career in front of the camera in adult films.
- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.
NOTE: If you liked this article, there's more video game hijinks and comics in our Internet/tech stuff article archive. More of a fan of Mike Tyson in his prime? Well, you'd be wise to spend 4 years in our Crime article archive. If you're more into pure athletics, stick a needle in your butt and get hopped up on our Sports column archive!!!
starring Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com
and Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com
Click HERE to leave a comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com
- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.
- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.
NOTE: If you liked this comic, we've got more in our Internet Article Archive. Hey, sports fans! Man, we've got your sports bug covered in our Sports Article Archive. Got a burning question? Well, we got a pirate who can answer them all! Don't believe me... just Ask Him!!!
and Vans McCoy - vansmccoy@hotmail.com
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Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com
- Tonto Balboa, real name unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. He is currently the editor and chief (after all, he Native American) of Tonto and Friends.
- Vans McCoy was knocked out at a Dead Kennedys show in the early 80’s and has been a cultural expert ever since. He has spent time in several small bands over the years. He sang for The Magnificent Cox, played bass in Manson’s Ranchers, and was lead guitarist for Televised Execution. He’s spent 347 days in local jails throughout the country and is now gainfully employed managing a local video store.
NOTE: If you liked this comic, we've got more in our Internet Article Archive. Hey, sports fans! Man, we've got your sports bug covered in our Sports Article Archive. Got a burning question? Well, we got a pirate who can answer them all! Don't believe me... just Ask Him!!!
By Melvin, the Pirate - Leave a question for Melvin by clicking HERE.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com
Ahoy there, mateys!
It’s been a rough and solemn lot for yours truly. Most of ye have already heard the news of it all, but allow me to fill ye in the honest details.
I had been on holiday with me partner in Somalia, when a group of ragged men approached the two of us in a dark alley, and threatened our very lives.
While suffering death unto the wicked is not me shining purpose in me retired years, I still carry a blade, and I still keep her sharp and true.
Five men died that night. As I held the sixth man to me chest, cutlass poised and ready to damn him into everlasting sorrow, he cried out me name. Said he was a sorry and useless pirate and had been looking high and low for me guidance. His dark eyes grew wet and heavy with tears.
So, me partner and I bought the fellow a meal, and I spent the evening counseling this damaged child. Told him that he deserved a better life than to rob tourists just to live day-to-day. I urged him to set his sights higher, to make something more important of the remaining days his heart contained.
And now, he and some other pirates have taken over a Ukraine vessel, armed to the teeth with tanks and weapons. I pleaded to the authorities to allow me a chance to use me gifts to negotiate with the pirates, but the words fell on deaf ears.
Does this pirate feel shame, guilt? Certainly. Also, a nice amount of pride, too. Couldn’t have been easy to commandeer such a large vessel, and so ignorant to think he’d be able to sneak away with her, out of sight and harm.
But, enough of the ramblings of an older man! The mailbag awaits…
Little Tim, read me well, and read me carefully: there are forces of darkness yer eyes cannot discern.
re there comical apparitions who play and tease the living? Methinks not.
Are there ineffable beings who wait in shadow, awakened from the hatred and evil human creatures make? I have seen them, young reader, and I hope ye live yer life in quiet comfort, never to hear the sound of a comrade’s skin torn ragged off his living bones while he screams for quick and merciful death.
Captain Bane, when knowledge fails a pirate, pure bluster will suffice.
When it comes to toasts, they can either be rife with humor, intellectual prowess, or simple solemnity.
Let’s tackle the humor drinking toasts first.
To make one of those, ye need to memorize some of the classics, like “Here’s the first woman I ever held in me arms – me mother.”
If book learning don’t come easy for ye, make yer toast full of intellectual prowess. Toasts in foreign languages look classy, and yer crew will find ye mysterious and wise.
The trick is to sound like yer speaking actual foreign words, such as Latin, when really, yer making it all up on the spot.
Example: Rivive vida manto adsulare.
See, that means nothing, but it sounds quite impressive.
The last type of toast, a solemn toast, can be made by saying one word three times or by naming the first three things ye see:
Examples: “Love, love, love;” “Blood, blood, blood;” “Gold, gold, gold”
Or “The wind, the crows, the sunset;” “The sword, the fallen pirates, the rain.”
Sit yer man down, and gently let him know that his boasting isn’t healthy for yer relationship, and that ye should be able to bowl with him and simply enjoy the sport together.
Or, failing that, drop his bowling ball on his bowling hand while he sleeps.
Any questions, land-lovers? Send me a comment!
- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.
NOTE: Looking for pearls of wisdom from Mr. Melvin? Yer burried treasure awaits ye in our Ask a Pirate Archives. Crime more to your liking? Yer stolen goods are hidden away in our Crime Article Archive. So ye fancy yerself and artist, do ya? Well then, scoot yer intellectual behinds over yonder in our Film Review Archive!!!
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com
Ahoy there, mateys!
It’s been a rough and solemn lot for yours truly. Most of ye have already heard the news of it all, but allow me to fill ye in the honest details.
I had been on holiday with me partner in Somalia, when a group of ragged men approached the two of us in a dark alley, and threatened our very lives.
While suffering death unto the wicked is not me shining purpose in me retired years, I still carry a blade, and I still keep her sharp and true.
Five men died that night. As I held the sixth man to me chest, cutlass poised and ready to damn him into everlasting sorrow, he cried out me name. Said he was a sorry and useless pirate and had been looking high and low for me guidance. His dark eyes grew wet and heavy with tears.
So, me partner and I bought the fellow a meal, and I spent the evening counseling this damaged child. Told him that he deserved a better life than to rob tourists just to live day-to-day. I urged him to set his sights higher, to make something more important of the remaining days his heart contained.
And now, he and some other pirates have taken over a Ukraine vessel, armed to the teeth with tanks and weapons. I pleaded to the authorities to allow me a chance to use me gifts to negotiate with the pirates, but the words fell on deaf ears.
Does this pirate feel shame, guilt? Certainly. Also, a nice amount of pride, too. Couldn’t have been easy to commandeer such a large vessel, and so ignorant to think he’d be able to sneak away with her, out of sight and harm.
But, enough of the ramblings of an older man! The mailbag awaits…
Dear Melvin,
I think people who believe in ghosts are fat and stupid. Do you believe in them?
Timothy from San Diego, CA.
Little Tim, read me well, and read me carefully: there are forces of darkness yer eyes cannot discern.
re there comical apparitions who play and tease the living? Methinks not.
Are there ineffable beings who wait in shadow, awakened from the hatred and evil human creatures make? I have seen them, young reader, and I hope ye live yer life in quiet comfort, never to hear the sound of a comrade’s skin torn ragged off his living bones while he screams for quick and merciful death.
Dear Pirate Therapist,
Me crew loves to drink and carouse. As their captain, they always call on me to make the first toast o’ the evening. Problem is, the saints above have never granted me with the wits to make a proper drink toast. How can I regain me crew’s respect?
Captain Robert Bane, on the pirate ship Vengeance
Captain Bane, when knowledge fails a pirate, pure bluster will suffice.
When it comes to toasts, they can either be rife with humor, intellectual prowess, or simple solemnity.
Let’s tackle the humor drinking toasts first.
To make one of those, ye need to memorize some of the classics, like “Here’s the first woman I ever held in me arms – me mother.”
If book learning don’t come easy for ye, make yer toast full of intellectual prowess. Toasts in foreign languages look classy, and yer crew will find ye mysterious and wise.
The trick is to sound like yer speaking actual foreign words, such as Latin, when really, yer making it all up on the spot.
Example: Rivive vida manto adsulare.
See, that means nothing, but it sounds quite impressive.
The last type of toast, a solemn toast, can be made by saying one word three times or by naming the first three things ye see:
Examples: “Love, love, love;” “Blood, blood, blood;” “Gold, gold, gold”
Or “The wind, the crows, the sunset;” “The sword, the fallen pirates, the rain.”
Dear Melvin,
My husband won’t stop bragging about how better of a bowler he is than me. How can I make him shut up?
Matilda from Sarasota, FL.
Sit yer man down, and gently let him know that his boasting isn’t healthy for yer relationship, and that ye should be able to bowl with him and simply enjoy the sport together.
Or, failing that, drop his bowling ball on his bowling hand while he sleeps.
Any questions, land-lovers? Send me a comment!
- Melvin the Pirate has written a number of self-help books, such as “Making Yer First Mate Yer Best Mate,” and “A Time to Rape, and a Time to Respect Wenches.” He lives in Huntington Beach, CA with his partner and prize mastiff, Belvedere.
NOTE: Looking for pearls of wisdom from Mr. Melvin? Yer burried treasure awaits ye in our Ask a Pirate Archives. Crime more to your liking? Yer stolen goods are hidden away in our Crime Article Archive. So ye fancy yerself and artist, do ya? Well then, scoot yer intellectual behinds over yonder in our Film Review Archive!!!
By Stephany Ericson (with some "performance enhancers") - stephany.ericson@hotmail.com
Click HERE to leave a coherent comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com
This yea I was round th blobe wit the sportzz coplmes no COILUMS taht Tanot wantd mme 2 right. I been 2 london…seen 7 wonders I nno to tirp is just to far….Too far? Leeemmee tell you awht is tooo friencckn far dearr reeeedres. CHINA…..CHINA to far..er TOOF faar.
Theey hfa the wicked blue haapees thothg. Ym. I wrrrite awedmes wen I’m on th e ahnppee train. It beessss Ball seaoneno wno playofffss ctuly. I ws thnkg u readsr would like to play a gme…eince none of ou are gud enothh to be pro bal lplersy-lol or MIMessss lolllllzz R ther PRO Minees Lniiiuss? Of courssee here are. Jus tneeed blck surt, whte muk up AND A tip[ jjar. Ha aha ahahahhhhhhh Jon Papplebon-CYCLOPS- doofus has ONE eey
John Laceyk-Taky Laky waky tabaccky Eric aybar-you bar we bar we all bar 4 aybar Oh..and noww th weurd association game.4 got 2 tel lyou. Baseballlpalyoffs stiyel I wacsn in chain! I spkee to Miky Phellllsps-nmow I’m doinb tis shhhiiity game. My car ear ssuxors Torii Hunte-thre is n o “I intEAM…but hrthe are 2 ni his neam. Do t dot. Chone fignewton- mow my lhone chone Kevin ukilsis- Millaar was a genius
Pedroia- Pedroia pedroia, fee fi fo foyah..bobanna wanna pedroia michelle tafoya. Wait who? Oh th migdte. John Lester-bastard Teixeira- wheere is Vanna white jst now? Garret-Cyclops ‘07 Big Daddy Vladdy- 1st to 3rd out like a trud. Big Pappi- Misses Samson Mike Lowell-too much facial hair primping to be a real menacing ball player 
Varitek- in Hungarian means “shave my back, again” Jacoby&Myers Ellsbury- “can I borrow someone’s 1st name?” My pills have worn off. This game is stupid. Thanks for the suggestion Vans. I’m taking another handful as we speak video boy.
Did anyone in the sports fan world notice how yesterday was not a good day to try and put a STOP sign on a baseball player from the Dominican Republic? Former Met’s Pitcher Ambiorix Burgos failed to see the 3rd base coach signal “STOP” in the Dominican…Burgos slammed his SUV into 2 women. They later died. Vladdy’s bad baserunning only killed a rally.
In other news…the Browns are now the best professional football team in Ohio. Bet the,oh dear..my pills are kicking back in…goody. Any way…as I was shaying DA BRAUNWS are the bets preefisihonal team in foto ball. In ohio anyway. I did my grown up in Oiooh.
My field ohockey tecm coud beat the Bronsw. My baallte clacscc could beat thee Bngls- Oh yeah…Go Cavs. Oh linussssss….i’m naakeeeddd fo r uuuu
- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children’s books such as “You Beat That on Expert?”, “Momma Don’t Dance and Daddy is a Mime” and “Artist Schmartist GO GET A JOB!”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.
NOTE: If you liked this article, we have plenty of less drug fueled sports writing in our Sports Article Archive. Got a question that requires an expert answer? Ten-to-one says Melvin the Pirate has your answer... so Ask Him. Into music... who isn't? Might I suggest our Music Article Archive?!!!
Click HERE to leave a coherent comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com
This yea I was round th blobe wit the sportzz coplmes no COILUMS taht Tanot wantd mme 2 right. I been 2 london…seen 7 wonders I nno to tirp is just to far….Too far? Leeemmee tell you awht is tooo friencckn far dearr reeeedres. CHINA…..CHINA to far..er TOOF faar.
Theey hfa the wicked blue haapees thothg. Ym. I wrrrite awedmes wen I’m on th e ahnppee train. It beessss Ball seaoneno wno playofffss ctuly. I ws thnkg u readsr would like to play a gme…eince none of ou are gud enothh to be pro bal lplersy-lol or MIMessss lolllllzz R ther PRO Minees Lniiiuss? Of courssee here are. Jus tneeed blck surt, whte muk up AND A tip[ jjar. Ha aha ahahahhhhhhh Jon Papplebon-CYCLOPS- doofus has ONE eey
John Laceyk-Taky Laky waky tabaccky Eric aybar-you bar we bar we all bar 4 aybar Oh..and noww th weurd association game.4 got 2 tel lyou. Baseballlpalyoffs stiyel I wacsn in chain! I spkee to Miky Phellllsps-nmow I’m doinb tis shhhiiity game. My car ear ssuxors Torii Hunte-thre is n o “I intEAM…but hrthe are 2 ni his neam. Do t dot. Chone fignewton- mow my lhone chone Kevin ukilsis- Millaar was a genius
Pedroia- Pedroia pedroia, fee fi fo foyah..bobanna wanna pedroia michelle tafoya. Wait who? Oh th migdte. John Lester-bastard Teixeira- wheere is Vanna white jst now? Garret-Cyclops ‘07 Big Daddy Vladdy- 1st to 3rd out like a trud. Big Pappi- Misses Samson Mike Lowell-too much facial hair primping to be a real menacing ball player 
Varitek- in Hungarian means “shave my back, again” Jacoby&Myers Ellsbury- “can I borrow someone’s 1st name?” My pills have worn off. This game is stupid. Thanks for the suggestion Vans. I’m taking another handful as we speak video boy.
Did anyone in the sports fan world notice how yesterday was not a good day to try and put a STOP sign on a baseball player from the Dominican Republic? Former Met’s Pitcher Ambiorix Burgos failed to see the 3rd base coach signal “STOP” in the Dominican…Burgos slammed his SUV into 2 women. They later died. Vladdy’s bad baserunning only killed a rally.
In other news…the Browns are now the best professional football team in Ohio. Bet the,oh dear..my pills are kicking back in…goody. Any way…as I was shaying DA BRAUNWS are the bets preefisihonal team in foto ball. In ohio anyway. I did my grown up in Oiooh.
My field ohockey tecm coud beat the Bronsw. My baallte clacscc could beat thee Bngls- Oh yeah…Go Cavs. Oh linussssss….i’m naakeeeddd fo r uuuu
- Stephany Ericson is an award winning author of children’s books such as “You Beat That on Expert?”, “Momma Don’t Dance and Daddy is a Mime” and “Artist Schmartist GO GET A JOB!”) Raised in Pacoima, Ohio by loving grandparents, educated in the Arab Emirates, and employed for 17 years by Art’s Pastry Shack she brings to her readers sugar coated, heart warming stories of redemption all wrapped in a non-traditional Burqua.
NOTE: If you liked this article, we have plenty of less drug fueled sports writing in our Sports Article Archive. Got a question that requires an expert answer? Ten-to-one says Melvin the Pirate has your answer... so Ask Him. Into music... who isn't? Might I suggest our Music Article Archive?!!!
by Tonto Balboa - tontobalboa@hotmail.com
Click HERE to leave a comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com.
Breaking News!
Yesterday was the biggest day in the history of tontoandfriends.com, thanks in no small part to our article, "The Top 10 Penis Tattoos in MMA."
Thanks to all the MMA fans who checked out the site.
Who would have thought there was so much interest in penis tattoos?! Hopefully some of our new readers will stick around as our writing staff continues to churn out some of the best comedy writing on the whole wide Internet!
On behalf of myself along with The Schmooz, Linus the Angry Mime, Vans McCoy, Bustamante, Slocomb Jones, Melvin the Pirate, and Stephany Ericson, thanks for helping us make tontoandfriends.com history! -
Tonto and Friends is a collective of some of the top comedy writers and life bloggers on the planet. They come from all parts of the globe and various life experiences. Together, they bring a daily source of humor and useful life information. NOTE: Hey, while you're here, you might as well check out some of what we have to offer. Y'know, like our Crime Article Archive, our Ask a Pirate Archive, or our Music Article Archive!!!
Click HERE to leave a comment.
Click HERE to subscribe to tontoandfriends.com.
Breaking News!
Yesterday was the biggest day in the history of tontoandfriends.com, thanks in no small part to our article, "The Top 10 Penis Tattoos in MMA."
Thanks to all the MMA fans who checked out the site.
Who would have thought there was so much interest in penis tattoos?! Hopefully some of our new readers will stick around as our writing staff continues to churn out some of the best comedy writing on the whole wide Internet!
On behalf of myself along with The Schmooz, Linus the Angry Mime, Vans McCoy, Bustamante, Slocomb Jones, Melvin the Pirate, and Stephany Ericson, thanks for helping us make tontoandfriends.com history! -
Tonto and Friends is a collective of some of the top comedy writers and life bloggers on the planet. They come from all parts of the globe and various life experiences. Together, they bring a daily source of humor and useful life information. NOTE: Hey, while you're here, you might as well check out some of what we have to offer. Y'know, like our Crime Article Archive, our Ask a Pirate Archive, or our Music Article Archive!!!
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