Editor and "Chief" tontoandfriends.com
And I thought Larry Holmes put me down for the count. Holy shit, was I wrong. As our loyal readers know, just about a year ago I embarked on a second career. Third, if you count my stint (stint being defined as 1992 - 2005) as a door-to-door salesman peddling the finest Indian Shit a bored housewife or stoned night class college student could find. Fourth, if you count a six-month run as a plasma donor in '88. Fifth, if you count my run as Editor and "Chief" of Tontoandfriends.com. I'm getting off the topic here.
And the topic at hand is: Where in God's Holy Name of Harold Have You All Been?! That takes us back to that career change thingy. I took up the art of professional wrestling and things were for once looking good for me right off the bat. I'd learned the basics of the headlock and the dreaded deadly chop. Then we were taught the pile driver.
A pile driver takes it names from the piece of machinery that impales the seafloor with beams of wood, metal, and anything else that needs to be pierced into the ocean. As the move pertains to professional wrestling, you simulate the pile driving with your opponents head going skull cap first into the canvas, rendering them in a state of unconsciousness long enough to secure a three count.
The details, like most of Dec 2008 - April 2009, are fuzzy but long story short: don't practice pile drivers on day three of professional wrestling class and don't ever practice them on a day where the only other guy who showed up is a midget.
In an instant I went from, "Are you sure this will be okay?" to "Ummm, Mr. Balboa, we need your birth name so that the hospital knows which insurance company to bill." One of the effects of being in what medical professionals call an "epic" coma is slight to moderate memory loss. Of course, I ended up on the north side of moderate and now I don't remember what my real name was. My driver's license says Tonto Balboa - a manager said I should do that two decades ago to "further the persona." Thanks.
So now I'm nearly six-figures in debt, several months of my life gone, a neck that barely works, and NO MEANS of earning an income... with the exception of this here website. They say in life one should count what one has instead of what one has not. I've got Schmooz, Linus, Vans, Melvin, Bustamante, Slocomb, and Stephany. Eh, I guess that's something, isn't it. Here goes nothing.
The details, like most of Dec 2008 - April 2009, are fuzzy but long story short: don't practice pile drivers on day three of professional wrestling class and don't ever practice them on a day where the only other guy who showed up is a midget.
In an instant I went from, "Are you sure this will be okay?" to "Ummm, Mr. Balboa, we need your birth name so that the hospital knows which insurance company to bill." One of the effects of being in what medical professionals call an "epic" coma is slight to moderate memory loss. Of course, I ended up on the north side of moderate and now I don't remember what my real name was. My driver's license says Tonto Balboa - a manager said I should do that two decades ago to "further the persona." Thanks.
So now I'm nearly six-figures in debt, several months of my life gone, a neck that barely works, and NO MEANS of earning an income... with the exception of this here website. They say in life one should count what one has instead of what one has not. I've got Schmooz, Linus, Vans, Melvin, Bustamante, Slocomb, and Stephany. Eh, I guess that's something, isn't it. Here goes nothing.
- Tonto Balboa, real name permanently unknown, is a former prizefighter with a record of 48-10. He is best known for getting his ass royally whupped by Larry Holmes in Madison Square Garden. Since then, Balboa has toured the country as a salesman, attempting to cash in on his 1/64th Native American heritage, by selling Indian artifacts. After sustaining a neck injury by way of a botched pile driver from a midget while training for a career in pro-wresting, he returns to his fourth or fifth love - serving as Editor and "Chief" of TontoandFriends.com.
NOTE: Want to catch up on some of our best stuff? Of course you do! Check our our local mime, Linus, as he satirically shows off some of his best crime writing. For the advice seekers, look no further than Melvin the Pirate and his outrageously popular Ask a Pirate column.
NOTE: Want to catch up on some of our best stuff? Of course you do! Check our our local mime, Linus, as he satirically shows off some of his best crime writing. For the advice seekers, look no further than Melvin the Pirate and his outrageously popular Ask a Pirate column.
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